We’re Open and Queer: Leah’s Update
- Luna Robbie
- Apr 26, 2023
- 26 min read
White female, submissive, exhibitionist, switch, comedian.
🔗 LEAH LINKS | @newtononmonogamy
00:00:00:11 - 00:00:17:15
Luna
This is a bonus episode with Leah, who was on episode 20 originally, so if you want to go listen episode 20 I think I broke my nose losing my virginity. These are Leah's sex stories. Updated Leah. It's been four years, almost since we originally recorded. What's going on in your sex life now?
00:00:17:17 - 00:00:44:18
Leah
Wow, thank you so much for asking. And also, I can't believe we just personally haven't caught up. I feel like largely since that. So it's like this is all a surprise to you. Like it's man, I've been busy. So I talked on that episode about my promiscuity the last time I was single, about ten years ago, and now my husband and I have been together for about ten years, ten years this year that since we started dating.
00:00:44:20 - 00:01:07:07
Leah
And I talked in that episode about how we were monogamous. We would have threesomes and have sex with other people, but always together. We have been the sex clubs a couple times, and so we actually have fully opened up our relationship since then. And so we are dating other people individually, mostly. And that has been definitely I mean obviously, yeah.
00:01:07:08 - 00:01:33:06
Leah
Huge journey. And has evolved so much already. We opened, June 2021. So it's been like almost two years now. I've been running, TikTok for a few months about it. I knew two non-monogamy, and I'm working on writing a book about it just because I really screwed it up. I well, I just yeah, wanted to talk about screwing it up and how that luckily got us into couples therapy.
00:01:33:06 - 00:01:55:22
Leah
And through us being in couples therapy, it's like we're way stronger than we ever were. Like, I just have so many emotional habits and relationship habits that I wasn't aware of. And so I've learned about myself. I've learned so much about him. We've grown so much I don't know. So those are the basics. And I know I want to let you ask questions and stuff, and I could, like, talk forever about this.
00:01:55:22 - 00:02:07:13
Luna
Yeah. Okay. My first question is like, how many details are on new to non-monogamy so far? Like, is that where people can go to find, like most current updates and like, how personal are you being there?
00:02:07:15 - 00:02:39:20
Leah
Completely personal. Yeah. I mean I'm yeah, I've talked about everything. I try to keep the identities of everybody we are dating a mystery as much as possible because I'm like, not out to make anybody besides myself like that. But I for sure I'm very grateful to my husband, Tim, for letting me y'all be fully open about it, because it is like the ways that I've messed up and the emotional parts about it that are difficult or surprising, that I think are most interesting, and that I haven't heard a lot of people talk about so far.
00:02:40:00 - 00:03:00:09
Leah
Because, yeah, I think so much of my impression of non-monogamy before we did this was that there could be an attitude of being above jealousy or that you. Yeah. So you're somebody who that's just the way you're wired. You're not jealous. And that is neither of us for sure. Or that you've, like, evolved past it and you're more modern.
00:03:00:11 - 00:03:23:06
Leah
So it just can seem very separate from your experience if you aren't doing it pretty easily, because now it's like, oh man, my, my best friend is very monogamous. And yeah, she was like, you're in the like Dan Savage questions realm of things. Now I it's like, I guess. Yeah, it took like a year and a half to get there where it's like, yeah.
00:03:23:06 - 00:03:47:13
Leah
Wondering about holidays and how to divide stuff up. We're not fully polyamorous or anything. We're kind of in the beginning of being okay with something emotional, developing more organically. But since we opened up, it was like romantic commitments are not on the table, and that was the source of most of the strife was I fell for somebody like immediately.
00:03:47:14 - 00:03:55:16
Luna
It's hard to make rules about feelings like I've tried to do it. It is I've I've committed. No. Yeah. We don't know until we know.
00:03:55:18 - 00:04:13:14
Leah
Yeah, exactly. And so I've learned to, you know, like we kind of evolved new boundaries and just learned like, oh, if you kind of mitigate the amount of time you spend with people and that kind of stuff. Because it, it was like still everything we were doing, nothing was causing issues except for the person I had really strong feelings for.
00:04:13:14 - 00:04:31:16
Leah
So it was like, we like being open. We're really enjoying this. It just because I kept looking for the concrete, well, like, what am I doing wrong? And I didn't even know how well my husband knew me of, just like he could see it in how much I wanted to talk about that person, how much I enjoyed texting that, and how I really wanted them to meet our friends.
00:04:31:16 - 00:04:53:17
Leah
And yeah, I love talking about them, love talking to them. And that really hurt him. Just seeing me really like somebody else. It was really difficult for him. And so I think it's funny that even moving through the kind of more basic jealousy of like sex with other people and that kind of stuff, that was what was the most painful and what we had the most sorting through to do.
00:04:53:18 - 00:05:22:20
Luna
Okay. So zooming out a little bit, as you look over the past four years, just add your sexual self. So this includes a pandemic. This includes I don't know, like has your identity as a sexual person change. Have your preferences as a sexual person changed? Like I don't know, you probably can't separate it from all the non-monogamy explorations, but like can you give like a little overview snippet of just like how you've evolved sexually specifically?
00:05:22:22 - 00:05:43:05
Leah
Thank you for asking because yeah, that stuff has changed so much too. I was just published in the LA times about a week ago to to go now. Yeah, about coming to terms like not in a negative way. I just like never thought I counted as bisexual before. And so realizing that it counts and that that's what this has been the whole time.
00:05:43:07 - 00:06:00:01
Leah
So the last time I talked to you, when we were having threesomes, it was primarily with women, because that's just like both of us were the most comfortable with. And we found out and start exploring individually because I, I always thought of that as just like for fun. I was like, I want us to be like hetero flexible.
00:06:00:01 - 00:06:19:22
Leah
I'm like, yes or whatever. But yeah, each of us have enjoyed exploring individually with the same gender and people who are non-binary, and it is just different. I was like, oh yeah, no, I want to date women kind of completely out of the realm of it being for the male gaze, which is like kind of always what it was before.
00:06:20:03 - 00:06:21:22
Luna
Like threesome laser. What do you mean?
00:06:22:00 - 00:06:49:08
Leah
Yeah, yeah. Threesome wise, where it's like, oh, I mean, all of us are a component of that. And so that was kind of, I don't know, I've done a lot of reflecting on like the stuff we grew up with where it was a lot of like that and twins beer commercial has been in my head. I don't know if you remember that it was like a Bud Light commercial or something like that, but it is just the emblematic to me of women being with women for the eyes of men with like use so commonly to like, sell stuff.
00:06:49:08 - 00:07:07:19
Leah
And so that commercial was about how like, but you know, I love beer and football, but the best thing in the world is a set of hot twins. And so it's like, yeah, like that. That was just on for our family like constantly, I don't know. Anyway, so growing up with that, I was like, yeah, I don't know.
00:07:07:19 - 00:07:28:19
Leah
I definitely had my like cool girl phase in college to where it was like, I love chugging beer. I want to, you know, sexually explore and like have three times and be promiscuous because that was like what I'd been told was cool for women to do. And it's tough to separate that out from my preferences. And I'm rambling and not answering your question, but it's all context.
00:07:28:22 - 00:07:49:02
Leah
Yeah, yeah. Realizing how much that stuff kind of affected me before. But all along there was a like, you know, growing up, I was like, yeah, I would like to date a woman someday. I'd just like to see how that would feel and try that. And realizing now that I've, like, kept trying to date women. And as we opened up, I've had a really hard time.
00:07:49:02 - 00:07:51:12
Leah
It's just like tougher on dating app. I was going.
00:07:51:12 - 00:08:03:05
Luna
To ask you about that. Like, I know that's a little veering off of sex, but I'm like, I just signed up for her and I am overwhelmed and still haven't met anyone. And then I'm like, do I need to pay for all of them? Do I need to, you know? And then I'm also.
00:08:03:11 - 00:08:03:23
Leah
Maybe.
00:08:04:04 - 00:08:10:06
Luna
Discovering more stuff about my brain and I'm like, oh, maybe apps just don't work for me. Do I need to go in in-person kink event? You know, so.
00:08:10:08 - 00:08:26:13
Leah
Maybe. Yeah, yeah, cause it's like, I love apps. I'm all over apps, but I just is. There are less women on them. I got an app, Bumble, recently. I was like, okay, I'm gonna commit to Bumble, and I just keep eating, man. That, I was, recently advised to try and was. Yeah, but that's good.
00:08:26:13 - 00:08:52:23
Leah
I haven't tried her. I got to do that, but I have had some experiences with women, and that's one of the things I wrote about in my essay for The Times. But just realizing like that I keep trying to date not and still want to is like, oh, that's. But that, you know, like the reason I like, keep wanting to try is because I also find that it's very normal, for any bi person or a pansexual person to prefer certain genders also.
00:08:52:23 - 00:09:14:01
Leah
So it's like, again, it isn't like, oh, you're not by not not by. Yeah. It's that, I don't know, this is the way you are. So it's always been easier to go for straight guys instead. And just exploring more of that has been super fun. I have also like in a different way, just learned about more things that I like, learn more about my body.
00:09:14:03 - 00:09:45:04
Leah
So I think a big overall thing is, I have learned that worrying about boring other people in bed, has like, ruled my brain for so long and instead of, like, rushing to orgasm or being like, this is how I orgasm and I can, like, make it happen. And then getting really nervous about it happening and that kind of stuff and nervous about getting other people to orgasm and, I don't know, really focusing on that, even though, you know, I feel like I've heard for so long that that's not the best way to enjoy sex.
00:09:45:07 - 00:09:53:08
Luna
Yeah, but there's the discussion, there's the discourse, and then there's when I'm with a person and it feels like they're rushing me and I feel like the slowest thing in the world. So I just want to say that,
00:09:53:10 - 00:10:14:00
Leah
Yeah. And include. Yeah, it's like I want to place the blame on myself and like, because I spent so long being like, oh, no, like, don't worry about me or no, I don't, I don't really like when people go down on me when it's like, what I did it like is worrying about my body and worrying about, like, the way I smelled or tasted and worrying about being able to orgasm from that.
00:10:14:01 - 00:10:16:15
Leah
I still don't come from people going down on me, but.
00:10:16:15 - 00:10:17:13
Luna
Yet so.
00:10:17:13 - 00:10:35:21
Leah
Far. Yeah, yeah. So far. But, what I have learned is that, G-spot stimulation is just, like, so much more important to me than I realized. It's like, I, I don't know, I ignored hand stuff since it was like, the only thing I did. And then once other things were on the table, it was like, why would I go back to hand stuff?
00:10:35:23 - 00:10:55:09
Leah
And it was actually dating somebody with a penis who couldn't get hard until they were really, like, emotionally bonded with somebody, which is something I have encountered so much more than I thought I would. And I love you so much. And it's very sweet. Yeah. So it was a lot of hand stuff was involved with that person. And then it was like, oh my God, like this.
00:10:55:11 - 00:11:04:12
Leah
This is like one of my favorite things currently at this point in my life. I do prefer it to mouth stuff, but I had no idea. And it just like helps to make everything so much better.
00:11:04:17 - 00:11:13:09
Luna
What sort of hand stuff is it like? One finger is a multiple. Is it a lot? And have you had hands mixed with mouths? Yeah, because that's my personal favorite. If I'm getting a mouth, it's.
00:11:13:10 - 00:11:30:23
Leah
I remembered you talking about that. Yeah. And I, I always thought like oh no, no, I don't know it. I don't need that. That doesn't matter. And it's like, no, it does make it way better. And I am talking about fingers I haven't done, I haven't done the whole hand yet. I had not squirted before that experience with that person.
00:11:30:23 - 00:11:49:02
Leah
I didn't know I could do it and it was a surprise. But no, it's like, what the fuck? But yeah, it came from like doing a lot of hand stuff because like with a specific person, other stuff wasn't as available. And it's just like a lot more exploring. And I'm like, so happy I know that about myself. Now.
00:11:49:04 - 00:11:59:06
Luna
What about some specifics related to lady lovers or vagina owning lovers? Like they're so soft is the first thing I always say.
00:11:59:08 - 00:12:14:12
Leah
They are new and I still am afraid of. Like women who wear a lot of makeup or who are really good at makeup. I know I am not and I that always like intimidates me because I feel like, oh no, you must look at me and know exactly how I like, don't know where and I'm doing it wrong.
00:12:14:13 - 00:12:38:06
Leah
And just like getting it messed up during sex stuff. So of the people I've been with have also been people who don't wear a ton of makeup, I don't know. Yeah, them being really soft and being made up, it's like different. I've realized with all the threesomes in the past, I was really like rushing out of like I talked about before, just really wanting to, like, be a vibrator, go hard, go fast, like in there.
00:12:38:06 - 00:13:06:11
Leah
And I again, just from like exploring more people. I think I've realized and learning that like with myself, it's best to go slow, go and slow down and take my time and really pay attention to like what I'm feeling when I'm feeling, you know, like only moving forward when you're really, like, really strongly wanting it rather than, like trying to skip steps, if that makes sense.
00:13:06:13 - 00:13:11:11
Luna
Yeah. How do you tell when you really strongly want it for you? Like what does it feel like?
00:13:11:13 - 00:13:32:17
Leah
I guess it's difficult to describe other than that. Yeah, because I always I think I was like taking steps forward in the past because I was like, I thought that I should or that like, that's the way things go, rather than really paying attention to whether my body wanted to. And that's like a big learning experience for me in general.
00:13:32:23 - 00:13:55:14
Leah
It's just like I've spent so much of my life and like, was raised in a household that was all about like discipline. And it's a virtue to not need or want things and whatever. So denying yourself as a woman in bad, which like again, I think is something we were encouraged to do, and to know that women's bodies are gross and funny and whatever and difficult to figure out.
00:13:55:14 - 00:14:13:18
Leah
So it was like, oh no, I just like want to make it as easy on my partners as possible. So yeah, like rushing through things and like I had the desire to do it. And then in the moment it was just like kind of pushing myself through things because it was like I wanted this rather than, yeah, being in the moment and paying attention to my body.
00:14:13:19 - 00:14:34:08
Leah
It was all like cerebral. That's something I learned from couples therapy as well when we talked about like, why do you enjoy giving each other pleasure? And my husband was like, I love the way you react and the look on your face and what your body does and stuff. And I was like, I just think of it as like, I'm giving you pleasure because I want to give you pleasure.
00:14:34:08 - 00:14:57:23
Leah
Like it's like all coming from my brain instead of like, reacting in the moment and being like, you deserve it and I love you. And that's why instead of like, really like paying attention to what's going on. So I just yeah, I enjoy myself and I think I enjoy other partners and I'm able to be there for other partners and my husband in ways that I think I was like rushing through before.
00:14:58:04 - 00:15:17:00
Leah
When I talk about stuff I've learned, he's always like, you make it sound like things are so awful and it's like they weren't. And I had plenty of moments where I would, like, lose myself because it was so great and like, we've always been nuts about each other. But I do think this is just something that I've learned with my, like, go to default setting that I didn't even know I was doing.
00:15:17:02 - 00:15:35:01
Luna
I can relate to so much of that. And also, oh God. Yeah. I mean, like, I think the stuff that is unconscious, we don't know if it's unconscious until we know, like, you know, there's another way or another option available until we do or until we decide we want something different. And sometimes it can feel so big and different.
00:15:35:03 - 00:15:39:18
Luna
There's a lot of follow up questions I could ask you. You're going to have to join us on a live stream.
00:15:39:18 - 00:15:57:18
Leah
Yeah, I also I'm so sorry. I don't want to interrupt your train of thought, but just in case it was a clear earlier cause you asked me about, like, lady lovers and how I'm doing with vaginas. And then I talked about myself a lot, and basically just. I've learned that the way I was rushing myself, I can now not do that for my partners.
00:15:57:20 - 00:16:09:19
Luna
Great. Well, that's part of the direction I want to go. I want to hear, how are you most enjoying giving to and receiving from other partners, and how much do you talk about it before, during and after?
00:16:09:21 - 00:16:14:09
Leah
That is a really great question and we never talk about it as much as we should.
00:16:14:11 - 00:16:16:20
Luna
What what what's it should mean?
00:16:16:22 - 00:16:23:00
Leah
What? Because I was like, we don't talk about it very much at all. So it's like, oh, I know, I feel like the right answer is that we should, but.
00:16:23:06 - 00:16:43:11
Luna
Not everyone needs to, is what I've discovered. Yeah. And when I hear myself should lately I've done the Louise Hay thing of, like, replacing it with a could and then that helps me check in to be like, oh, I could. Yeah. Why am I not? Why am I choosing not to consciously or unconsciously? So like, you know, you don't necessarily need to if you're having a great time and getting all your needs met.
00:16:43:14 - 00:16:58:21
Luna
And so I'm just curious because everyone has a complete like, I'm a person that needs a fuck ton of communication. And part of that is because I just figured out that I'm autistic. You know? And so I'm like, oh, and I kind of like knew it for a while, but I didn't, you know, you don't know the details till, you know.
00:16:58:21 - 00:17:04:13
Luna
So maybe you want to communicate more, but maybe you don't need to. But tell us, tell us your details here.
00:17:04:14 - 00:17:27:08
Leah
Thank you. Well, because, the first thing my mind goes to is I definitely, I don't know if this is like a given with every open person, but I've definitely gotten more geeky than I used to be. I have my, like, spiel, kind of when people are like, what are you into it that it's like that I list everything I like and that I prefer, you know, a lot of affection and attentiveness and positivity and praise.
00:17:27:10 - 00:17:41:14
Leah
And so that is, I guess, like what I love in people in general too. But I wonder if that's something I just I'm kind of like looking for in them rather than saying that I want. Unless we're explicitly talking about kinky things.
00:17:41:20 - 00:17:46:10
Luna
When do you explicitly talk about kinky things? And like, what else? What other kink if you.
00:17:46:10 - 00:18:03:09
Leah
Didn't in the apps? Yeah. Just over message. Yeah. Usually it'll come up if they do or if the conversation is kind of slow and I'm like, okay, I feel like you have a more fun sexual side that like you're afraid to bring up, or maybe you just have it. Yeah, or maybe you're not like that. I want to know and see how you react.
00:18:03:09 - 00:18:04:09
Leah
But then I'll like, ask.
00:18:04:09 - 00:18:08:11
Luna
If they're okay. If you put kinky stuff in your profile or do you just talk about it in conversation?
00:18:08:11 - 00:18:20:04
Leah
I don't okay, I don't, and a lot of people do. My favorite dating app is field a field. I like that it's more open, relationship focused and kink focused. So people are just generally more upfront.
00:18:20:06 - 00:18:21:18
Luna
Have you been on bloom at all?
00:18:21:20 - 00:18:29:13
Leah
No, but, my husband is on it because he got on there because of the events and stuff. And I was like, oh, I don't know. I don't know if I want to go to like meetups.
00:18:29:18 - 00:18:38:08
Luna
You don't have to. It's just I think they're trying to make fit life meet field. They have a different like swiping algorithm to like you're only allowed a few things a day.
00:18:38:10 - 00:18:42:05
Leah
I tried to get on for that life. I was so confused. Like, I don't understand.
00:18:42:06 - 00:18:43:08
Luna
Working on that.
00:18:43:10 - 00:19:18:17
Leah
Well. And I do want to talk about, yeah, communicating with people I have gotten more used to usually when we're making out and clothes are coming off, I'll ask people if it hasn't been explicitly covered already, what do you like? It's such a good thing to ask anybody. And I think with all of those messages we got growing up about women, I realized one, that in addition to the whole, like, men are horny all the time for anybody constantly, which is totally false and was hurtful to men and women growing up when it's like I was like, what's wrong with me that you don't want to with me?
00:19:18:18 - 00:19:39:18
Leah
Because like, that's what we've heard anyway, that one drives me nuts. But, also just the idea that every penis wants the same thing and they're so simple. It's like, yeah, I mean, part of that is it's totally justified. Like, I get why that's the popular thing to say, but also there's definitely more nuance in there and more things that people prefer and things about the other parts of their body that they might prefer.
00:19:39:21 - 00:19:56:00
Luna
And it's not easy for penis owners. I think that's one of the most harmful things about that narrative is like, then I have penis owning partners who are like, but I won't say hard all the time. And I'm like, great. I like to watch your penis get hard. And also like, I don't need you to fuck me for five hours as long as you.
00:19:56:00 - 00:20:08:19
Luna
I mean, if you want to have a five hour session, you're probably not going to be hard and like, be going in and out all the time. My vagina can't handle that. And also, like, can you touch me in other ways? Could you maybe use your creativity? I don't know, it's almost like I'm making that narrative so simple.
00:20:08:19 - 00:20:18:13
Luna
Removes the option delight or makes it feel like it's a consolation prize instead of, like, no, that's that's what we're saying. Like, don't just do obligatory foreplay.
00:20:18:13 - 00:20:49:09
Leah
So yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, I love asking everybody that question. Usually when things are getting sexy and I think I just really enjoy people who love sex, I think it really seriously because, yeah, sometimes men are kind of like a little baffled, or people with penises could be a little baffled by that question. But most of the people I am ending up with in the process of like these apps and talking about myself or whatever, they love to answer and love to talk about it.
00:20:49:09 - 00:20:59:20
Leah
And maybe that's a generalization too, because I was like, yeah, maybe like slutty open people will answer it more freely, but also maybe more men know that about themselves too, and might just appreciative of being asked.
00:20:59:21 - 00:21:09:08
Luna
It depends. Sometimes I scare people away by asking. And so, you know, so it sounds also like maybe you're filtering well for exactly what you want to attract, which like.
00:21:09:08 - 00:21:28:12
Leah
I think so yeah, it is difficult. It's a lot of, you know, rejection, a lot of swiping, a lot of, you know, like instigate conversations all the time. So it's a lot of not getting the response back. I'll ask people out all the time. If you're the one doing that and going out there and filtering, it's like then you're filtering and it does a lot more rejection and stuff.
00:21:28:12 - 00:21:30:20
Leah
But yeah, it's been really fun.
00:21:30:22 - 00:21:46:07
Luna
Okay, so to wrap up, tell us 1 or 2 new things you've tried that like blew your mind or were just like, oh wow. Like it could be a specific kink or specific moment, like a specific story with a partner. And then I want to hear your hopes for the future.
00:21:46:09 - 00:22:08:06
Leah
I went to the kinky event that promised to be a very woman focused like Lady dumb run event, and then it was so dude heavy and was really just, yeah, sparse and weird and my friend and I got there right when it started and all the lights were still on and people were hurrying around, setting stuff up, and nobody acknowledged us.
00:22:08:08 - 00:22:28:10
Leah
And we like sat in the corner and drank for like an hour and it's super well, right. But so I was like, oh, I'm determined to like have a good experience out of this. And so, like when the dog was doing demonstrations, I was like, can I get up and do this? And like, that was extremely fun. This is another tangent with kinky stuff in general.
00:22:28:12 - 00:22:40:22
Leah
Somebody said what it's like on TikTok or something. They were like, are you a switch? Or are you just such a sub that you will dominate? Somebody wants you to. And I was like, no. Like how embarrassing that is me.
00:22:41:00 - 00:22:43:23
Luna
Why is it embarrassing? I think it's a great cause.
00:22:43:23 - 00:22:46:19
Leah
I guess I feel shame about being a sub really?
00:22:47:00 - 00:23:06:10
Luna
Oh, I'm. I'm a total service switch. And I'm now, like, acquiring all of my, like, dominatrix skills. And I want to do, like, all of these things that put me in the position of power, which is not my favorite, but because my personal life has been so full of bumps and because I am by default in a teaching mode, just because my special interest is sex.
00:23:06:10 - 00:23:13:07
Luna
So I just keep learning. I'm like, all right, well, if that's how I need to get my service needs met, then I will be in charge. And it's a fun, you know.
00:23:13:09 - 00:23:25:16
Leah
I love that. I love that so much. That's amazing. Yeah, I do, I do need to embrace both sides of that more, I don't know. But obviously as anybody in kinky stuff knows, like the ways you surprise yourself with your shame is like, okay, I.
00:23:25:16 - 00:23:30:11
Luna
Was just going to say, yeah, because maybe part of the kink is like feeling terror.
00:23:30:12 - 00:23:37:19
Leah
Yeah, yeah. If you're ever like, could I do that? What I do that, I recommend it. I had a great time.
00:23:37:21 - 00:23:40:10
Luna
But so like what was getting done to you.
00:23:40:12 - 00:24:02:08
Leah
Right. Okay. So I was spanked. With what it's hard to see. It was implement and one two she was like, I'm going to do harder and harder stuff. And then like she gave me a signal. I think it was raise a hand because it was loud in there, like the way I have it stopped and I just am so like, I want to show off that I can like, take it.
00:24:02:08 - 00:24:25:19
Leah
And that's like a big thing for me. And so I'm like, oh, I don't, I don't want to like, say that I need you to stop. She got up to, like, this metal pedal thing that had like a heart in it. And it stung a lot. She seemed impressed at the end, which is like her job, but, yeah, I was like, I made it all the way up to that, but it that was a blast.
00:24:25:19 - 00:24:51:20
Leah
I love that I have discovered that I really love by and gender queer people who are arnab and like grew up being socialized as men but embrace a more feminine or more androgynous part of themselves is a huge turn on to me. And I was in theater in high school and I think, had a crush on a couple different guys who turned out to be gay.
00:24:51:20 - 00:25:16:01
Leah
And so them forever. I was like, oh, I need to only go for like, super obviously straight masculine dude. Oh, and just kind of like, yeah, what about myself or whatever? But just again, like you're exploring with more people, it's been like, oh no, there are gender queer people who are super into me, and their femininity really turns me on.
00:25:16:01 - 00:25:35:01
Leah
I just like, respect and I'm so impressed by, in addition to it being hot, somebody who is willing to explore their gender. And so it's yeah, it's a giant turn on for me. And I've encouraged and my husband like to whatever degree is interested in or feels comfortable, but I just I wish more men felt like they had permission to do that.
00:25:35:01 - 00:25:37:19
Leah
And I love it.
00:25:37:21 - 00:25:39:16
Luna
Hot. Amazing.
00:25:39:18 - 00:25:59:13
Leah
Yeah. Thank you. Okay. And, hopes for the future. I mean, honestly, I hope that we get to do this forever. I mean, our marriage is the priority. And I know in polyamory, especially the polyamory parts of the internet at least, hierarchical polyamory can be a dirty word. And people talk about how it's unfair to your other partners.
00:25:59:13 - 00:26:00:17
Leah
And it's I.
00:26:00:17 - 00:26:29:05
Luna
Have an alternate viewpoint which I would like to share from my own personal experience. Any time I have gone out with someone who's like, oh, I'm nonhierarchical, it's more painful to me because in fact, they have an unconscious hierarchy. There always is a priority if both people happen to get hurt and go to hospitals at the exact same time on opposite sides of town, because currently we exist in one place and time and space as we humans can perceive it.
00:26:29:07 - 00:26:53:20
Luna
You have to pick one. You can only go to one family's house for all that it like they're always is a choice to be made. And equality doesn't necessarily like look like there can be different ways to get needs met. And I think the more honest people are about priorities. Like maybe the word hierarchy is yucky to people, but it's like, let's be honest with each other about our priorities as they shift and change.
00:26:53:20 - 00:27:10:06
Luna
But I've noticed that most people, especially Neurotypicals, cannot honestly say like, hey babe, I actually really want to do this more than that, you know? And so it's like I've been on the terrible but receiving end of people who are like, no, no, no, I'm nonhierarchical cool and like, you know, and then they'll be like, well, I don't know you that well.
00:27:10:06 - 00:27:19:03
Luna
I'm still getting well, I really like you, but you're not important enough to me to do x, y, z. And I'm like, okay, well, your communication sucks, so bye.
00:27:19:05 - 00:27:45:15
Leah
Yeah, yeah. I also could totally see, you know, douche bags who would treat people terribly in any relationship structure. Right? But co-opting that language and just. Yeah. Continuing. True. Yeah. Yeah. I, I do I believe in it in theory. And I know it's not for us at this point in time. And so it's like, I don't want to make people mad or anything, but I will like so we always are honest that that's our situation, that's our priority.
00:27:45:15 - 00:28:12:11
Leah
And we're open to romance and emotional connection. If it develops organically. And again, that's pretty new. But also like Tim has been seeing, I think three people now for over a year each like July with his first year anniversary with somebody. And it was like, what? That's crazy. And I don't know. So it just it's been a conversation that has come up, I think as we've spent more time with people.
00:28:12:12 - 00:28:25:18
Luna
I also think it makes more sense to have a deeper level of commitment to someone who you have built trust with, like the amount of trust that I can build with someone over the course of six months. It's very different from the amount of trust I can build over the course of ten years. It's just different. And that's okay.
00:28:25:22 - 00:28:26:19
Luna
Yeah.
00:28:26:21 - 00:28:48:20
Leah
Yeah. And I, I definitely I believe in if you are a couple who's like prioritizing your relationship over the new ones and you know that you're doing that and you're telling people that you're doing that, just being aware of why people talk about why there's, couple privilege and that kind of stuff and just being aware of the difference in a power dynamic, especially if you're trying to have, like, full relationships with people just knowing totally.
00:28:48:20 - 00:28:56:10
Leah
Yeah, that sucks for that other person who isn't my longest term partner. That's difficult for them and help them through that.
00:28:56:10 - 00:29:06:06
Luna
And I would like to hear, like, do you have a specific bucket list item or something you want to cross off to sometime in the next year or so? That's like your next like, you really want to try this?
00:29:06:07 - 00:29:22:07
Leah
Yeah, I do it. I get it's all on the table already. So I will say, well, ever since me and my husband, like before we opened up, had a threesome with another man, I was like, oh my God, I love this. And he was like, not. He was like, oh yeah, I think I'm more like you. I'm more hetero flexible.
00:29:22:07 - 00:29:40:08
Leah
And I got so as we've learned, there's things are different when you're one on one dating rather than like, oh, your long term partner is there and there's a component as well. So he just he prefers to interact with men solo. But for me, I loved it and I wanted to be able to do it again ever since it happened.
00:29:40:10 - 00:30:02:09
Leah
It's so complicated for him. Yeah. For a long time, it was like, with jealousy and stuff. The idea of doing group stuff without each other was always kind of a like, not sure if we feel totally comfortable yet, but it was a few months ago that he he finally gave me the green light. His blessing is some people are also like, oh, that's like a negative thing if you have rules for your partner.
00:30:02:09 - 00:30:21:18
Leah
But he was honest with me about not being comfortable with it, and he became comfortable with the idea a few months ago and I was like, oh my God, yes. Like, I gotta make it happen. And then it's been so difficult to organize. It's like very tough. Yeah. When like two other people who have to like be into the same thing, be into each other, into the idea of being around each other.
00:30:21:18 - 00:30:33:05
Leah
And I prefer that it's somebody who I have already been with one on one rather than just like, everybody showing up and meeting on the day so that it's been so much more surprisingly difficult that I totally.
00:30:33:05 - 00:30:34:03
Luna
Can relate.
00:30:34:05 - 00:30:40:07
Leah
Organize. That's oh my God, I love that. Yeah. So that's that's definitely my bucket list thing. Okay, I have to.
00:30:40:07 - 00:30:50:01
Luna
Ask a follow up question to that though. Like what would you want to do with it? Like a rose like Eiffel Tower said, do it like, no, I think you could be people for that. But like deep like what? Or is it just the whole how they go?
00:30:50:01 - 00:31:13:18
Leah
I've done, you know, I've, I've, I've done up with mostly with, female partner with like a toy. Oh, yeah. Like a with a woman who was like, I really want to do the Eiffel Tower. Is that okay? And look, my husband high five. Amazing. But we'd like to do all of it. All of it is on the table.
00:31:13:18 - 00:31:35:19
Leah
I would love a dynamic where they are both just, like, into me. I'm seeing guys who are bi, and it's like, you know, they prefer to be with other guys who are bi and that's like, okay, but like, I want to be. I want it to be about me if possible. And that's just like the fantasy of it, you know, mostly I want everybody to enjoy themselves, obviously, but like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the fantasy that POC.
00:31:35:21 - 00:31:48:04
Luna
Yeah. Leah, thank you for sharing your story. Update with us. I am so happy to hear from you. I hope you come back and share more as you have them, especially if you get, you know, this threesome of your dreams or whatever else comes up.
Comments