Masochistic Soft Dom: Mercedes’ Update
- Luna Robbie
- Jan 22, 2024
- 42 min read
19 white nonbinary queer partnered switch, into: D/s dynamics, strap-ons, exhibitionism, oviposition, car sex.
00:00:00:04 - 00:00:22:18
Luna
An update from a past guest who is here today to talk about the changes in their sex and sexuality since coming out as non-binary, navigating jealousy and a recently ended polyamorous relationship, and jealousy in relation to dysphoria, and how difficult that can be to express, along with the joy of being able to explore with a long term partner and feel completely safe to try new, freaky, fun stuff.
00:00:22:20 - 00:00:53:09
Luna
A 19 year old college student navigating the struggles of early adulthood. They love animals, cartoons, cooking, and taking walks in nature with a joint and are looking forward to traveling more soon. A switch in the Dom sub dynamics eating pussy strap on play exhibition oviposition, which I'm going to learn about through this interview, collars, who is learning how to play with rope originally from episode 202 three-way switch Play and Forest Fucking, which we just learned was the top, top episode on Spotify in 2023.
00:00:53:10 - 00:00:55:12
Luna
Welcome back Mercedes.
00:00:55:17 - 00:00:57:10
Mercedes
Thank you. It's so good to be back.
00:00:57:10 - 00:01:06:09
Luna
While I am so happy to have you here. Start off by telling us about your shame and meter today and like, has it fluctuated in the last year or so since we talked?
00:01:06:11 - 00:01:16:07
Mercedes
I think my shame meter has definitely gotten lower. I think today it's like a I think like a zero. I'm feeling really good.
00:01:16:12 - 00:01:21:22
Luna
Fuck yeah. Glad to hear that. I want to start off by being like, what is of your position?
00:01:22:00 - 00:01:23:23
Mercedes
It's definitely a very niche kink.
00:01:23:23 - 00:01:29:23
Luna
Okay? Because I'm like, I feel like I should know this, but also I'm still learning new things about sex, like almost every day.
00:01:30:01 - 00:01:37:14
Mercedes
Okay. So have you ever heard about, like, alien fucking fantasy? Oh, yeah. Bad dragon. Do you know what bad dragon dildos are?
00:01:37:14 - 00:01:43:03
Luna
The big tentacles and all kinds of interesting things. And I would like to have some. Yes. Bucket list.
00:01:43:08 - 00:02:04:06
Mercedes
It's in the same world of that. It's offered there. Like the fantasy of having, like, eggs in your pussy or laying eggs in someone else's pussy. It's all about like being filled up and like, pushing the eggs out. I found out about it through porn, and so did my girlfriend. And we sort of both sort of, like, secretly had this fantasy in our heads.
00:02:04:06 - 00:02:22:01
Mercedes
And then I don't remember which one of us just finally said, like, hey, do you know what this is? And the other one was like, yes, yes, yes, I know what that is. And we haven't done it yet because it's like it's logistically challenging. You have to get like a special hollow dildo to put them in. They're like little gelatin, guys.
00:02:22:01 - 00:02:27:07
Mercedes
You have to make them in, get molds in order for it to be sanitary and be okay for your pussy.
00:02:27:09 - 00:02:29:04
Luna
You make them yourself.
00:02:29:06 - 00:02:32:07
Mercedes
You can make them yourself. You can also buy them. Oh.
00:02:32:09 - 00:02:39:05
Luna
The idea of like my girlfriend making me eggs to put inside me is, for some reason, suddenly very hot to me. I don't know what would you think?
00:02:39:07 - 00:02:54:09
Mercedes
I think if you want to look it up or someone listening wants to look it up, the best way is just to find some good ethical porn of it. It's something you got to visualize to, like, fully understand how it happens. Because even explaining it, it's like not making a whole ton of sense.
00:02:54:11 - 00:03:12:16
Luna
I mean, I've got visions in my head and I'm really curious. Maybe I'll record when I actually go, like, learn what it is so that we can see my reactions. Because recently I was interviewing Jenna about the rubber chicken. And it's funny because on my face, you can definitely tell the moment where I realized that the rubber chicken contained a squeaky thing, and I thought it was like a funny roleplay up until then.
00:03:12:16 - 00:03:24:03
Luna
So oh man, I love discovering that. Okay, but tell us, where do you want to start? Do you want to start with non-binary stuff? Do you want to start with like overview of last year? Like how are you feeling? Where do you want this to go? First.
00:03:24:05 - 00:03:50:00
Mercedes
We can start with non-binary stuff because that's probably honestly the most straightforward. Strangely. Obviously gender is not straightforward, but yeah, it was a long time coming. I think I've known since I was 14, but I have always had lots of trans friends, especially trans mass friends. And so I felt like my experience was slightly different from theirs and I didn't.
00:03:50:00 - 00:04:17:17
Mercedes
This is so silly, but my best friend in high school came out as trans and used they them pronouns, and I felt like I was sort of copying them by coming out. Like I wanted to make sure that it was something that was grounded in myself and not grounded in wanting to be part of the community. I have done shrooms with two friends that are both trans men a couple times and every single time I have some sort of mental breakdown about gender with them.
00:04:17:18 - 00:04:39:00
Mercedes
And so one of my friends just starts reflexively using they them pronouns for me without ever talking to me about it or asking me, hey, do you want me to start using they them pronouns for me? Keep on having breakdowns about your gender when we're trippin balls, dude. And he did. And it felt so incredibly right that I was like, okay, I gotta just come out to everybody.
00:04:39:02 - 00:04:58:14
Mercedes
And I started with close friends. So it was only a couple friends, and then I realized it was kind of awkward for only half of my loved ones to know what was going on. So I told the half that was like maybe a little bit more complicated to know, like friends that were like cis or straight people. That would be like a little bit more complicated to explain.
00:04:58:16 - 00:05:24:10
Mercedes
But the people who are close to me in my life know that I love drag, and I love dressing up like a man, and I can be dressed very feminine sometimes and very masculine at some time. So I don't think it was like a super surprise to anyone. The one thing that is still challenging is navigating that. I have lots of older family members, like my aunt and my grandma, that I love very much, that I have decided that I'm never coming out to.
00:05:24:12 - 00:05:52:06
Mercedes
I don't think they will understand, and I think it will affect my relationship with my aunts and my grandma because they're all sort of they're over 60. It's like a conversation that I don't understand even how to start to have. And but that's also kind of hard because I'm hiding this part of myself from loved ones. But I think sometimes it is beneficial to sort of compartmentalize because it could lead to just more isolation for myself.
00:05:52:06 - 00:05:53:03
Mercedes
Does that make sense?
00:05:53:05 - 00:06:04:04
Luna
Totally. I hear both sides of that because, you know, on the one hand, ease and closeness with friends and family are a thing. And then on the other hand, it's like, well, I want to be me, right? I want to be all of me. And I want to feel that.
00:06:04:04 - 00:06:16:06
Mercedes
Also, like, how do I tell my 85 year old grandma and my 80 year old aunt? How do I explain to them what being nonbinary is, when I've only ever been their niece and their granddaughter?
00:06:16:08 - 00:06:24:11
Luna
Right, right, right. Well, do you want to noodle on it? Because I had a funny experience that could just be an idea. Or if you want to hear it.
00:06:24:12 - 00:06:25:09
Mercedes
Sure.
00:06:25:11 - 00:06:41:06
Luna
So over the summer, I was around a bunch of family, some of which I hadn't seen in a while, and a family friend who is basically an uncle to me. I call him uncle. Not in a weird way. It sounds weird when I say it like that. Who's in his 60s was like, hey Corin, are you still a she?
00:06:41:06 - 00:06:53:21
Luna
Her are you? They them? And one of the other even older people who I think is in their 80s and I was like, what's a fe them? And so I was like, I'm a she her. But also it any like if you want to call me you know, like if we're really going to get specific, call me an it.
00:06:53:21 - 00:07:16:12
Luna
I'm a creature, I'm an alien. But she her is fine. And then I got to sort of have this, you know, so it was outside of me. Right. But I was able to explain to them to basically plant the seed about like, oh, other people are like this, and especially for me with sex work, because I have this beautiful container where I'm like, oh, well, I recently was interviewing a sex worker who said, blah, blah, blah.
00:07:16:14 - 00:07:33:10
Luna
That's kind of how I've been saying stuff to friends and family where I don't know where they land and by talking to them and having that conversation, sort of like a litmus test to see where they are. And then, you know, and of course, it depends on do you want to do the effort of education and do you want to have that?
00:07:33:10 - 00:07:48:15
Luna
You know, but that was just one that kind of like dropped in my lap. And I thought it was very, very funny because here I was suddenly like explaining to people a decade older than I was kind of like just confused. They've never heard of it. Yeah. And they really were like, you know, I have no idea what their judgments were, if there were any.
00:07:48:15 - 00:07:56:19
Luna
But it was like, Wow. You know, like it was it was really just like, oh, there's a lot these days. I don't understand. It was, you know, kind of the vibe from it.
00:07:56:21 - 00:07:58:16
Mercedes
Which is not at all negative.
00:07:58:21 - 00:08:19:22
Luna
Yeah. And you just never know what people are going to get. And I really have found that the framing of it, you know, because I did have some family members that were like full service sex workers at brothels, like, don't they get STDs? And I was like, well, first of all, STIs because it's the infection most of the time these days we don't get to the disease, but also know they are tested regularly.
00:08:20:03 - 00:08:34:03
Luna
They have actually, you know, the ones that are typically have the most problems are the cis het males, especially if they're, you know, the married ones are pretty good, but it's the other ones that, you know, they're just not getting tested as much because of the normalization and then online. So who are.
00:08:34:03 - 00:08:40:04
Mercedes
Way more likely to get a stiff from someone you're hooking up with on Tinder than a sex worker.
00:08:40:07 - 00:08:40:21
Luna
For.
00:08:41:02 - 00:08:42:13
Mercedes
Way more likely, for.
00:08:42:13 - 00:08:44:19
Luna
Sure, you know, and more likely.
00:08:44:21 - 00:08:45:11
Mercedes
Yeah.
00:08:45:13 - 00:09:00:00
Luna
So anyway, let's focus on you. The how has coming out as nonbinary affected your sexy self? Do you feel sexier, less sexy as a mix like dive in wherever you want to and work in the jealousy stuff, wherever you want? But maybe I don't know. We'll start with the highlights.
00:09:00:02 - 00:09:23:10
Mercedes
I felt more in my own skin. I've realized, too, that there is a certain level of dysphoria that comes from having penetrative sex with men. That kind of sucks, that sort of like takes away from that pleasure and like taking a step back from dating and fucking cis men. I like gave it a good try. I definitely bisexual, like, I'm definitely attracted to men.
00:09:23:10 - 00:09:42:03
Mercedes
It's not really a necessarily a feeling of shame after I'm done having sex with men with penises, but it's a feeling of like I was sort of like playing your role or performing, and that wasn't like my truly full self. And so for a while I was like, okay, I will start fucking with cis straight guys at least.
00:09:42:03 - 00:10:01:14
Mercedes
So I'm like, yeah, I'm going to sleep with bisexual guys instead. And that was, I think, definitely better because I knew that because they're queer like I, and they knew what a drag king was, understood what a struggle on was. But I was in my dick era for a while, and I think I'm sort of like moving out of it.
00:10:01:14 - 00:10:02:16
Mercedes
Not fully though, but.
00:10:02:16 - 00:10:06:22
Luna
Tell us about it. What's a dick era like? You having a dick or like playing with dicks?
00:10:07:00 - 00:10:14:15
Mercedes
I think playing with dicks like I, my body counts pretty high for someone who's 19. I had a ton of fun last year.
00:10:14:17 - 00:10:16:00
Luna
This year, yes.
00:10:16:01 - 00:10:35:21
Mercedes
Some of it was bad sex. Some of it was mediocre sex, some of it was fantastic sex, but just sort of like trying all the different flavors of men, basically the sampler platter. And that was really cool to one. I think bodies are beautiful and like, understanding, like the beauty in every single different type of body is really cool.
00:10:36:00 - 00:10:42:17
Mercedes
I think that's a benefit for sleeping with a lot of people, especially as an artist, is you're like all the shapes and colors totally.
00:10:42:18 - 00:10:53:07
Luna
Totally around and the textures, and I'll touch it and I'll see how this one reacts and I'll see. And that nipple on that one is very sensitive, and that one is different over there. And that one doesn't want their nipples touch. Okay.
00:10:53:09 - 00:10:55:12
Mercedes
My balls are so fascinating. I was going.
00:10:55:12 - 00:10:59:03
Luna
To say that yes, I love them. I love balls are so fascinating.
00:10:59:03 - 00:11:05:17
Mercedes
And it's like until you get to see and touch balls, if you don't have them, you won't understand how like they're quite complex.
00:11:05:19 - 00:11:23:03
Luna
Yes. And they're textures are also different. And most of the time when I'm talking to someone who has balls and I'm like, do you like your balls? Played with most? And I would say like 80% of them are like, haha, I don't know. So I'm like, there's a lot of opportunity out there, you know? And that might just be the sample size I'm attracting.
00:11:23:03 - 00:11:24:12
Luna
But yeah. What do you like about balls?
00:11:24:17 - 00:11:47:08
Mercedes
I think my favorite thing to do with balls, I had a sexual partner that was okay with me messing with his balls, as I found out that if you lick balls like you lick a pussy, it feels really, really good for them. So just like if you have any experience eating pussy and you're missing eating pussy and you only have a partner with a dick, ask them if you can lick their balls.
00:11:47:08 - 00:11:50:13
Mercedes
It's like a vegan pussy alternative.
00:11:50:15 - 00:12:06:14
Luna
You are the first person I have ever heard making that parallel. I love licking and sucking, but I love them so much. You know I don't do it with just anyone. I try to let it be a little special. Oh, is that true? That might not be true. I don't know, I really like it. If they're there and I'm there, sometimes I just get carried away.
00:12:06:16 - 00:12:08:16
Mercedes
It's the same tongue motion. Everybody.
00:12:08:22 - 00:12:15:16
Luna
Have you gotten to, like, squeeze and tug on any? Because I had a partner that was like squeeze really tight and pull. And I was like a great.
00:12:15:18 - 00:12:34:16
Mercedes
While ago, at the beginning of high school, I had a partner. They were like a super masochist, like I am. And we did during the pandemic, and it was very much like making out and like rubbing on each other in the woods because it was during the pandemic and we were kids. But I think I yanked on their balls a couple of times.
00:12:34:16 - 00:12:56:12
Mercedes
That was pretty fun. But it's been a while when I don't think people should be defined by their genitalia, obviously, because everyone's beautiful and everyone's bodies are beautiful, but to rephrase, I'm not out of my dick era because dicks, they're fun and will always be fun to me. I think I'm out of my having casual sex with men that aren't going to make me cum era.
00:12:56:14 - 00:13:18:18
Luna
Yes, what a wonderful distinction. I love that you phrased it that way and didn't even put it to like straightness or fierceness. That's so true. Yes, I am in a new era where I enjoy partners who are kind, respectful, curious, and want to bring me great pleasure without, you know, who like actual pleasure, not like. Did you come yet?
00:13:18:18 - 00:13:28:01
Luna
Did I make you cum? How many times did I make you come? You know, because that's kind of more like trophy ish. And I don't like that as cheeky. It's a different. It's a different vibe. Amazing. That's really cool.
00:13:28:01 - 00:13:53:12
Mercedes
I also want to have a, say, a PSA. Yeah. One penis falsies don't do that. If you're polyamorous, don't do that. It's weird. I had been sleeping with this guy for a long time, like five, six months, and I met my girlfriend, like, halfway between that. And I was sleeping with her and him, and things were fine until I expressed like, having a crush on another one of my friends, a man to the guy I was sleeping with.
00:13:53:12 - 00:14:21:06
Mercedes
And he really didn't like that. And I was like, when we're not dating, we're friends with benefits and two, you're in an open relationship. I'm in an open relationship. And I thought we were just friends who were sleeping with each other. And he kept on expressing his discomfort with that. And so I was like, you know what? I should have had the conversation and then fucked the other guy, but I fucked the other guy and then had the conversation and I was like, I don't fuck with one penis policies, dude.
00:14:21:08 - 00:14:23:12
Mercedes
I slept with my friend. We're over.
00:14:23:13 - 00:14:31:20
Luna
I mean, you got to learn somehow. And also, it sounds like you're putting your priorities actually in order. And sometimes we figure stuff out in the order. We figure stuff out.
00:14:31:22 - 00:14:52:10
Mercedes
Yeah. I had a very dramatic summer. That guy. We didn't use protection. Use protection? Everybody use protection because he had gotten tested really recently. And I got tested really recently. And we had that conversation. We're both, like dead sober. How the conversation was fine. He even showed me his results and I was like, okay, cool, you're my friend.
00:14:52:10 - 00:14:59:08
Mercedes
We literally went to elementary school together. We went to high school together. My mom was his music teacher. Dude, like, I know this guy.
00:14:59:08 - 00:15:01:03
Luna
Well, yeah. We're connected.
00:15:01:05 - 00:15:20:13
Mercedes
I did theater with his younger sibling. Like, I know this person. Yeah, I trust them. And also, creme pies are fun, dude. I mean, pies are fun. But the thing is, he was had unprotected sex with another person. She lied about her STD result. Oh, and she had herpes. She had herpes in her vagina.
00:15:20:13 - 00:15:23:09
Luna
That's literally how I got herpes in my throat. But my partner. Yeah.
00:15:23:09 - 00:15:39:12
Mercedes
So, so no matter how much you trust the person you're sleeping with, you can't trust the people that they're sleeping with. It's what I'm trying to say. As much as it can be. Kind of a boner killer to be, like, before you have sex, be like, okay, how many people are you sleeping with? Do they get tested?
00:15:39:14 - 00:16:05:09
Mercedes
Please have that conversation. Everyone turns out it was just really bad vaginismus. They got solved with some medication and some cream. But I could have herpes right now very easily. And he could have herpes right now very easily. And we got so incredibly lucky. And we don't have herpes. But no matter how much you trust your partner or your partners, you can't trust the people that you haven't met and that you haven't had that conversation with.
00:16:05:11 - 00:16:29:17
Luna
Yes, I think that that's really wise. You know, that's the thing. It's like we can talk, we can show each other tests. But at the end of the day, it's trust building. And even the most well-intentioned trusts still is subject to human error, and that there's a lot of human error in this world. Wow. So do you want to tell us a little bit about your experience of jealousy?
00:16:29:21 - 00:16:36:16
Luna
It sounds like it was on the part of the partners. Are you having any jealousy feelings? Or maybe you want to talk about the jealousy related to dysphoria?
00:16:36:18 - 00:17:07:11
Mercedes
So I was sort of like very casually dating, doing friends with benefits stuff while I was with my girlfriend. And then she met a lovely trans lady and they started dating. But more seriously, and we're putting labels on things that I had never put on labels with what I was doing. So it felt, even though they were doing the same things that I would do with other people, because there is a label of like, this is my other partner, we are dating instead of like, oh, this is just the person I'm sleeping with.
00:17:07:11 - 00:17:23:11
Mercedes
Other people basically. I wanted to do things like the difference between being ethically non-monogamous, where it's like you have a partner and you guys sleep with other people and communicate about that, whereas polyamory is like, I can have multiple distinct romantic relationships with people.
00:17:23:13 - 00:17:27:12
Luna
Depending on who you talk to, because some everyone has their own definition.
00:17:27:17 - 00:17:44:03
Mercedes
To you because it's so it and no boundaries are really set. And as that relationship was starting for her, several sort of like friends would benefit situations and had for me because I needed to end.
00:17:44:05 - 00:17:45:21
Luna
But that's unfortunate timing.
00:17:45:23 - 00:18:14:05
Mercedes
Yeah. And our communication slowly felt like it was getting worse and worse. And I was getting upset about really like little things and getting jealous. And it was complicated to express in the moment. And it took me about a month to express it. But I think I do have a do have some like slight bottom dysphoria of like, I like my vulva.
00:18:14:05 - 00:18:35:22
Mercedes
I think filters are cool, but during sex I sometimes feel inadequate in wanting to have like a real penis instead of a strap on. When it comes to like fucking my girlfriend. And that got a lot worse when she was sleeping with a trans woman who did, in fact have a real penis, right? And I think it's a very unique situation.
00:18:36:00 - 00:18:58:15
Mercedes
I felt just sort of inadequate and bad about it. And the three of us had a three way because I met her other partner and my girlfriend was really horny, and I was just sort of like went along with it. And afterwards was like, I shouldn't have done that and felt really sort of gross in my skin. Yeah.
00:18:58:17 - 00:19:01:16
Luna
I hate those moments where that's how I realize it.
00:19:01:18 - 00:19:12:03
Mercedes
Not because of that either of the people I slept with weren't beautiful or wonderful people, but the fact that I wasn't true to myself and I was trying to push past that jealousy and that uncomfortability.
00:19:12:05 - 00:19:27:15
Luna
But also like pause to commend you for taking that risk. Right? Because sometimes we can be scared of something and we try something. We love it. And sometimes we can be scared of something. We try something, we don't like it. And that's when we give ourselves a confirmation of like, I knew it, I should have known. But sometimes we don't know, you know?
00:19:27:15 - 00:19:36:15
Luna
And that's a crappy way to find out. But it also sounds like you are very thoughtful and are really like giving yourself space to learn and grow.
00:19:36:17 - 00:19:56:03
Mercedes
Yeah. And I also frankly, felt like I know now that it wasn't transphobia, but I felt like I'm like, do I hate trans women? Is this what's going on? I'm like, no, this is fully dysphoria and jealousy telling me that I'm a bad person or there's something broken with me, like, and I sort of would have to go back to my head over and over again.
00:19:56:03 - 00:20:05:15
Mercedes
I'm like, am I transphobic in my transphobic? Am I transphobic? And then ultimately just being like, no, this is a very specific, unique situation. Yeah.
00:20:05:17 - 00:20:25:17
Luna
Well, as I hear your stories, it is interesting because you do seem so thoughtful and I hear the consciousness in your experience, both when you're like this label, this non-binary label, these pronouns are they mine or am I kind of like stepping in here? Like, it sounds like sometimes the like common narratives that other people foist upon us.
00:20:25:17 - 00:20:43:05
Luna
I know that I can like over identify and be like, oh my God, in my bad and wrong. Do I hate stupid people? Do I hate this type of person or that type of person? And it's like, no, sometimes I'm just having feelings that I'm working through as I like, you know, into this adult human or, you know, I'm still adult, but like, I'm always.
00:20:43:05 - 00:21:03:19
Mercedes
Growing. And then the final straw for me, for closing the relationship is my girlfriend has asked me, oh, like for the last month and a half, she would be like, do you want to close the relationship? And I'd be like, no, you're having fun. Let's keep on doing this. It's fine. And now I know that was her being like, please say that you want a close relationship.
00:21:03:19 - 00:21:09:15
Mercedes
I can tell that you're miserable and it's making me miserable, too. And she was trying to sort of, like, prompt me to.
00:21:09:18 - 00:21:13:12
Luna
She was like, you do it, babe. You pull the record, you.
00:21:13:12 - 00:21:23:01
Mercedes
Gained it because I asked her like, well, why didn't why didn't you just do it? And she was like, because I wanted to show you that you were being a coward and that you needed to do this first for yourself.
00:21:23:03 - 00:21:24:15
Luna
How did that land on you?
00:21:24:17 - 00:21:50:20
Mercedes
I mean, it didn't feel mean because it felt very truthful, that it was sort of cowardly that I would just sort of like start to sort of wallow and like stosh like there was one time where I was having a really bad day. It was our anniversary, and I was at rehearsal and as at the time, sleeping with the director of the show that I was doing, but it was like it was a different situation because it was very much friends with benefits.
00:21:50:20 - 00:22:15:03
Mercedes
Like we didn't sleep with each other that often to most of the time we just like hung out when I walked. But it was me and my girlfriend's anniversary and we were sleeping with different people on our anniversary, and I was just like, I lost my mind. I was like, this is not right. This feels wrong. And I was like, even though I was with another person and that I was like having sex with another person and had that company was like, I'm so tired.
00:22:15:03 - 00:22:39:17
Mercedes
This feels so incredibly wrong. I just can't do this anymore. Damn. And then the final, final straw was that over the weekend I asked my girlfriend. I was like, do you know if the girl you're dating? Do you know if her primary partner gets tested regularly? And do you know if that person sleeps with other people? And my girlfriend said, I don't know.
00:22:39:17 - 00:23:01:01
Mercedes
And I was like, oh no. And I was like, well, can you let's hear. I'll text the person I'm sleeping with. Even though I've already had conversations with the person I'm sleeping with about STD results. And I have it almost every single time I sleep with them, even though they're not sleeping with anyone else. And pretty sure that that side is okay in terms of keeping safe and healthy.
00:23:01:01 - 00:23:26:20
Mercedes
Because I had that conversation off the bat with them and I was like, that was just that was too much for me. And then my girlfriend's other partner didn't respond for a couple of days, didn't text her back, and it turns out she was just sick. But like, I think that even if you're sick, it takes five seconds to send a text about that kind of thing because it's very important.
00:23:26:22 - 00:23:27:16
Mercedes
Wow.
00:23:27:18 - 00:23:51:23
Luna
You have definitely been navigating the difficult parts of open relationships, and I do want to circle back to a word you used not to nitpick your language, but to be a little bit curious about it. Right? Because that word coward, to me, it has a negative connotation. Even if maybe we identify with the concept of like, I was too afraid or hesitant or whatever it is to do it.
00:23:51:23 - 00:24:01:17
Luna
Do you feel like a coward, or do you feel like a coward in that moment? Or was it maybe just like a really uncomfortable, slow discovering of your own boundaries?
00:24:01:19 - 00:24:11:13
Mercedes
I think more the second option. I wanted to see if it would go away, if I would move past it. Because feelings are temporary.
00:24:11:16 - 00:24:19:07
Luna
Yeah. Which is a brave choice, because sometimes people are too afraid to be uncomfortable for any amount of time. Right?
00:24:19:09 - 00:24:43:12
Mercedes
Most of the time, feelings are temporary. And also because I have gotten to fuck around and sleep with many different people during our relationship, that it didn't seem fair for me to cut it off really quickly. I wanted my girlfriend to have that experience. I think you need to sleep with all different types of people is very cool and like definitely part of being in college and being a young person is getting to dip your toes in all the beautiful waters.
00:24:43:14 - 00:24:54:06
Mercedes
Yeah. So that was also definitely a huge factor of like, I'm wanting to have this experience because I got to have this experience and I think it's cool.
00:24:54:08 - 00:25:04:12
Luna
Yeah. So is it useful to say like maybe how you have taken care of yourself or found time for yourself in this time? Because this is a recent closing of the relationships.
00:25:04:14 - 00:25:24:05
Mercedes
I talked to my therapist about it. That was really helpful. I'm lucky that I go to a college that provides therapy as part of tuition. If you sign up for it, that's amazing. Not a ton of sessions. It's like ten sessions per student, but it's still very cool at something. It's something. It's a good start and she's gonna help me find a therapist outside of it, which is really cool.
00:25:24:05 - 00:25:48:19
Mercedes
And I've been letting myself cry and feel all the sort of feelings that I didn't let myself feel and sort of like, push down because I was worried that I was being hypocritical or being cowardly or unfair and letting myself say like, no, it's okay that you need security and that you need safety in this point of your life.
00:25:48:23 - 00:26:08:20
Mercedes
Yeah. And you will always have the little voice in your back of your head that you might get something from having sex with your girlfriend. It's okay to want to have a period in your life where you're not having to get tested often, because I think no matter how many times I've gotten tested, probably a couple dozen times, I do it about once a month just to be safe.
00:26:08:22 - 00:26:37:12
Mercedes
More if I'm sleeping with more people. I'm a young person, but I started sleeping with people fairly young and sleeping with different people at the same time. Pretty young too, so I'm just exhausted. I'm exhausted with the testing and the STD scares and not knowing who everyone's sleeping with. And not feeling in control of my health and my body, and just sort of having to trust that everyone else who I'm sort of connected to the web of sex is also taking care of themselves.
00:26:37:14 - 00:26:53:06
Mercedes
I'm just so done. I've been doing it since I was the first time I got tested. I was 16 years old. I found out my partner was having unprotected sex. I think that one a unique experience and also something that I just need to be done with for, for a couple months, for a couple of years.
00:26:53:06 - 00:26:54:11
Luna
Yeah, take a break for.
00:26:54:11 - 00:27:02:09
Mercedes
As long as I need to just calm down a little bit and I need that safety. The inner child in me needs that safety for a while. Yeah.
00:27:02:14 - 00:27:14:05
Luna
Also, just to offer this to people, this is not the experience of most people for testing, but since I personally am just a little bit of a masochist, every time they give me that needle, I'm like.
00:27:14:07 - 00:27:17:17
Mercedes
Oh, I like the needle. A needle doesn't bother me.
00:27:17:19 - 00:27:20:05
Luna
Okay. So it really is the emotional aspect.
00:27:20:09 - 00:27:36:06
Mercedes
It's the active of getting tested. Doesn't bother me at all. I do not mind sticking that swab my pussy. I don't mind getting my blood drawn. I actually like I think most of the time I like have a lovely conversation with whatever nurses draw in my blood that that doesn't bother me. The act of getting tested doesn't bother me.
00:27:36:06 - 00:28:00:10
Mercedes
It's the waiting for the results. Okay? And it's not even okay. Not even waiting time or insults. It's the constantly having to be the one who's having a conversation about like, hey, do you get tested? Can I see your results? When's the last time you got tested? What other partners do you have? Most of the time it's me having to have that conversation, having to educate people, because I've been doing this for three years now, and I'm still pretty young.
00:28:00:10 - 00:28:31:04
Mercedes
The like it. Also, the woman that my girlfriend was sleeping with is older than us by three years and has been polyamorous longer than my girlfriend has, and still was that uneducated and unaware of the importance of like communicating about testing, which made me and she'd been the same age as us. I don't think I would have gotten that mad, but the fact that she's slightly our elder and has been doing this longer than my girlfriend, yeah, I was like, fuck no, fuck no man, I'm still you.
00:28:31:06 - 00:28:52:17
Luna
I so feel you. So that is the number one reason why I'm a whole lot more likely to hook up with sexual professionals than, say, a swinger couple, because I have found and this is this is a broad generalization. I have also met many, many partners who engage in polyamorous open relationships who have wonderful communication, health and safety practice.
00:28:52:17 - 00:29:15:09
Luna
And for me, there's nothing hotter than someone like initiating all of that very, very hot. But like I feel you on the resentment around or rather, I'm projecting my own resentment around like the dumbness of my partner's partner. It's like when there's a metamorph I can't stand that is kind of like borderline immediate deal breaker. So here's a question how has it been for you to be in a now closed relationship?
00:29:15:09 - 00:29:28:18
Luna
Like, do you feel fettered at all? I hear that there's a need for safety that's being met, but like, I know it's recent, but has there been enough time for you to even think about, like, oh, what if I do want someone else? Or is it an ongoing conversation?
00:29:28:19 - 00:29:53:18
Mercedes
We immediately after we closed it, we had a conversation that even though we are closed now, we may not be closed forever, but that in the future it's going to be. My girlfriend was also very stressed out about her being slow to respond about STDs. Yeah, excuse me that if we do decide to sleep with people in the future, we got to see those results and we got to see their partners results.
00:29:53:20 - 00:30:16:11
Mercedes
And if everybody not connected is not willing to show results, then that is not going to happen. Because we had a herpes scare. I had a herpes scared. That was I thought I had covered all the bases. He's on my results. I saw his results. But you never know when someone's going to lie about something. So you got to be able to physically see it with your own eyes, which it's pretty strict, but I need it.
00:30:16:13 - 00:30:35:11
Luna
Yeah. No, I I'm, I'm there with you for that. Also, you know, a lot of people don't necessarily know about how all the STIs work, right? People don't understand that HPV penis owners are never tested for it. It can still cause oral cancer, can still cause anal cancer. Like there is always a risk when you doing skin to skin contact.
00:30:35:11 - 00:30:48:16
Luna
So I'm glad that you don't have hurt because it's extremely uncomfortable. And I start all my STI conversations by being like, so do you get cold sores? And then, you know, kind of like making that my little entry point into everything else.
00:30:48:18 - 00:31:14:18
Mercedes
I like how you've been studying. Is it in, say, clear instead of clean? I like that too, because there's nothing dirty about having an SDI. But it can be avoided if people are better about taking care of their own health, and also because it's something that it keeps on happening. The reason why, I don't know, because illnesses and stuff can go extinct, either because of vaccination or because they stop getting transmitted.
00:31:14:18 - 00:31:31:20
Mercedes
Like we don't really worry about polio anymore, for instance. But like if people are better about testing and better about communication with their partner, then like less and less people will have to have that as an extra burden that they have to like, live with.
00:31:31:22 - 00:31:51:12
Luna
Yes, I think that's a fair point. And also, what I do want to remind people is that there are strains of gonorrhea that are becoming increasingly resistant to antibiotics. I think also the media. And so that is much scarier. And so I know that there are people who have kind of the mentality of like, now I'll deal with it.
00:31:51:12 - 00:32:10:00
Luna
Like I have a high risk tolerance. I don't mind if I get the drip and it's like, I hear you. And also that does eventually end up affecting public health and stuff evolves, right? So it's always evolving. Not not to scare people, but just to say, like there are ways to play more risk aware and like you said, conversations as part of it.
00:32:10:00 - 00:32:15:18
Luna
And I get it. I love I love bare things. I too love a good cream pie, but at the same time it's like.
00:32:15:20 - 00:32:19:11
Mercedes
Cream pie safely. Everyone.
00:32:19:13 - 00:32:27:03
Luna
Do you want to tell us about some of the fun stuff that you've been enjoying? And, yeah. What do you been getting up to, you wild thing?
00:32:27:05 - 00:32:39:23
Mercedes
First of all, my girlfriend likes reading like smut. And I am. I have small brain. I like picture video. Very nice. I like watching picture video porn. That's the dream.
00:32:39:23 - 00:32:40:08
Luna
Part of.
00:32:40:08 - 00:33:04:22
Mercedes
Like. Yes, I just want to see some goodies, man. But she's an intellectual. I love reading smut and so we've been reading smut together. And also just like showing each other like weird stuff that we found because there's some stuff that like, maybe like we haven't necessarily gotten off to what we've just found in the corner of the internet that we're like, this is really funny.
00:33:04:22 - 00:33:18:21
Mercedes
I gotta show this to you like, like the ways that they describe penises and smut are so, so funny. Like, the worst one of my girlfriends ever found is calling it a princess wand. Oh my gosh.
00:33:19:02 - 00:33:23:17
Luna
Is that the worst? I don't know, I'll take a princess one. I would like to have a full line of.
00:33:23:17 - 00:33:24:05
Mercedes
Princess.
00:33:24:05 - 00:33:25:05
Luna
Wand and then I want to.
00:33:25:05 - 00:33:37:03
Mercedes
Like, I'm like, maybe like, but it's like, let's just like, just funny stuff. That's not only like, sometimes it's sexy. If it's well-written, it's like sexy for sure.
00:33:37:06 - 00:33:41:08
Luna
Are you, like, reading it to each other? And is it mostly you're finding it on loud. That's so cute.
00:33:41:08 - 00:33:42:21
Mercedes
Yeah. We're going to go out. Yeah.
00:33:42:23 - 00:33:45:18
Luna
Are you mostly the reader or the listener? Do you take turns?
00:33:45:20 - 00:33:54:03
Mercedes
Do you mostly read? We'll take turns though, like usually I'll be like, here's just like video that I saw that is either funny or sexy.
00:33:54:05 - 00:33:54:23
Luna
I love that.
00:33:55:01 - 00:34:20:03
Mercedes
Because the internet is it's a wild, wild West out there, especially in terms of porn and smut. Oh, very quickly I want to plug Bolitho. They have ethical free porn. If you are a broke college student like me and yeah, it's, woman created company. They also got sex toys and they got discounts on it. But also if you have the means to it's always good to, you know, support people on OnlyFans, support sex workers, pay for paid porn.
00:34:20:03 - 00:34:25:01
Mercedes
But if you're like, really, really broke and you want to ethically consume porn, that's pretty good site. Yeah.
00:34:25:01 - 00:34:28:14
Luna
And then when you have a little windfall, you can always tip them in some way, shape or form.
00:34:28:14 - 00:34:29:20
Mercedes
Exactly, exactly.
00:34:29:22 - 00:34:30:04
Luna
Yeah.
00:34:30:05 - 00:34:32:09
Mercedes
Or you can buy yourself a vibrator.
00:34:32:11 - 00:34:41:17
Luna
Yeah. So when you are having these like smut sessions, does that typically lead into like physical play between you two or is it just like, yeah okay.
00:34:41:18 - 00:34:52:06
Mercedes
Yeah. Usually if it's the sexy kind of not the goofy kind. Yeah. We did it once over the phone and that was that was fun. We were both, like touching ourselves while the read aloud was happening. And that was pretty cool.
00:34:52:11 - 00:34:57:00
Luna
I'm thinking about princess ones now. I just it's in my head. What are you saying?
00:34:57:02 - 00:35:05:19
Mercedes
We discovered something really cool the other night. I have these really comfortable read boxers and a it's. I'll just show it to you.
00:35:05:21 - 00:35:09:18
Luna
I'll describe it. Okay, so we've got, like, a rabbit style dildo. Is it pink or red?
00:35:09:20 - 00:35:15:02
Mercedes
It's like pinkish in this part I'm seeing ridges. Yeah. This part thrust too which is really cool.
00:35:15:02 - 00:35:18:06
Luna
So the shaft of the rabbit part is like thrusting. Okay. Got it.
00:35:18:10 - 00:35:50:02
Mercedes
Ooh, you can put it through the hole of the boxers, and then you have a little tiny vibrating dick that sticks out from the boxers that one of us can ride. So it's like the closest that we've gotten as to a for people to have, like, penetrative sex is pleasurable for both of us, which are just kind of like, even if I don't have a vibrator and I still really like fucking you with the strap on just because it's one very gender euphoric and also two, it's really hot and like I can get off just to the idea of it, even if there's not anything like physically.
00:35:50:04 - 00:35:55:09
Mercedes
Yeah, I mean there's the rubbing, but if I like I don't necessarily need the vibration, but it's really fun.
00:35:55:11 - 00:36:01:15
Luna
Okay. So on your bucket list, would you want to like fuck with a double ended dildo?
00:36:01:17 - 00:36:03:09
Mercedes
Yes, I think that would be fun.
00:36:03:10 - 00:36:04:10
Luna
I really want to do that.
00:36:04:15 - 00:36:25:10
Mercedes
I just like the logistics of it. I think the harness I have right now, I got originally to peg a guy to harness. It's basically like all you need if you're just pegging someone with like, perfect little like. But I still though for like beginning but play actually only used it to like just have strap on sex with people with vaginas or vulva.
00:36:25:10 - 00:36:29:04
Mercedes
Scuse me. I need to get out of the habit of saying vaginas. It's a vulva or a pussy.
00:36:29:04 - 00:36:46:10
Luna
Well, it's all of it. Also, I recently had a partner that loved the word vagina, and so it was so interesting during sex to be like, you're in my vagina. And I made sure to be very accurate with it. But it's, you know, that was a moment where I was like, All types and strength.
00:36:46:12 - 00:36:51:07
Mercedes
I guess if I'm saying I'm fucking, yeah, I am fucking the vagina. The whole thing is the vulva.
00:36:51:09 - 00:36:54:19
Luna
Yeah, yeah. But if you were rubbing on the outside, you'd be teasing the full.
00:36:54:19 - 00:36:55:09
Mercedes
Yeah.
00:36:55:11 - 00:36:56:00
Luna
Pleasuring.
00:36:56:00 - 00:36:58:08
Mercedes
Yeah, exactly. Words are so fun.
00:36:58:10 - 00:36:59:01
Luna
So imperfect.
00:36:59:01 - 00:37:06:18
Mercedes
Basically, what I was trying to say and I got for tangent is the hardest we have right now. It sucks. It really sucks. We need to get to do what?
00:37:06:20 - 00:37:07:10
Luna
Okay.
00:37:07:12 - 00:37:29:11
Mercedes
It's a good trainer harness, but we're in the major leagues now, and I'm gonna get a new one soon. Something that also has been super hot is not only fucking people with the strap on, it's like teaching people how to fucking be with the strap on. It's also been really hot, like with my girlfriend and with someone that I was in a friends with benefit situation.
00:37:29:11 - 00:37:45:02
Mercedes
I taught both of them how to fuck, how to thrust, how to angle your hips, how to like, make sure it stays in. And that was really hot to like watch to be like, oh. Having a penis is fun.
00:37:45:07 - 00:38:05:06
Luna
It's amazing. Was that for me? Anything with kind of like a teaching role is typically how I enjoy my dominant parts. A little more like, I'm like, oh, you need a tour guide. And here we go. Here we go. Here. I'll tell you everything I know. You know, if it's something that I know about, does that play into dynamics stuff for you at all or is it like a totally separate vibe?
00:38:05:08 - 00:38:11:08
Mercedes
I think it's definitely a power dynamic. Even if I'm getting fucked, if I'm teaching you how to fuck me, I'm at the top.
00:38:11:11 - 00:38:28:02
Luna
Where I was, hey, you're still in top space because you're teaching. Yeah, I was actually just having this conversation with a lover. We got into details about a three someone. I was like, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, I hear you. And we gotta move slow. We're just getting to know each other. I do love it. Double penetration if you're new to it, if she's new to it.
00:38:28:04 - 00:38:39:12
Luna
And I'm like facilitating, receiving and teaching, we gotta slow down here. Like, we got to slow down and, like, you know, do some lessons first. And like, if I'm in pop space, everything is possible. So what is it like for you?
00:38:39:14 - 00:39:00:15
Mercedes
It's definitely, a switch, but it's definitely it's easier for me to be in sort of the soft, dumb, tough space of, like, wanting to, like, take care of my partner. I often will get distracted and like, we'll just spend like 15 minutes eating her pussy because I like to just do it. I just get really comfy down there and I get to lay on my.
00:39:00:20 - 00:39:21:23
Mercedes
We got a the bed that I moved up with is a twin bed at a tiny and it sucks. And it's got a giant chunky Ikea bed frame. And I didn't want it, but my dad sent me up with it anyway, and now we finally have permission to sell it for my parents. But we are tired of sleeping in a twin bed and having sex in the twin bed.
00:39:21:23 - 00:39:35:21
Mercedes
It's just it's not fun. I'm five six ish and she's about an inch taller than me. And even though we're both not super tall, we're still tall enough that, like both of us sleeping in the twin bed, not like comfortable.
00:39:35:23 - 00:39:40:13
Luna
I definitely remember the college days of twin beds and you can make it work, but it's squished.
00:39:40:15 - 00:40:00:11
Mercedes
Yeah, like having sex is really mostly the sleeping. That makes it really bad on a twin bed. Like you can squish in for sex, but like, I snore. She moves around a lot at night. It's just it's not fun. So we bought a full size mattress together off Amazon. Yeah. And it's like the biggest, like, romantic purchase I've ever made.
00:40:00:11 - 00:40:20:03
Mercedes
And it felt like very adult. And yeah, the mattress wasn't super expensive actually sitting on that mattress right now. And it's so much more fun to have sex with this mattress because she can be up at the top of the bed with her legs open, and I can be, like, lying fully straight. And sometimes I'll, like, kick my trash can accidentally.
00:40:20:08 - 00:40:29:00
Mercedes
But like, I can be fully lying down and she can be fully lying down perpendicular to the bed. And there's still we have enough room, which is really nice.
00:40:29:02 - 00:40:45:16
Luna
I love that. What are you looking forward to next in your life? Like you're in this kind of like, relatively new era of temporary, at least closed ness, but like sex wise, what else do you want to get into that you haven't yet, or even new layers. New spirals. What's sparking for you?
00:40:45:18 - 00:41:11:01
Mercedes
We keep on saying that we're going to have car sex, like we were going to do it last night, but it was too cold and I had to do a class presentation on like climate change in nature. And like after listening to a bunch of poems and plays about climate change and the nature and people's relationship to nature and their trauma, it's just like, not the mood to go have car sex is a wonderful presentation, but it's just like not a turn on.
00:41:11:01 - 00:41:29:05
Mercedes
Like, not tonight, not tonight, man. Eventually having car sex because I've had car sex before, but it's always just been like me riding a dude, which is fun. But I've never had lesbian car sex, which is probably definitely going. Gonna be more with just logistically challenging.
00:41:29:09 - 00:41:45:08
Luna
Depending on what you do. I'm always a big fan too. Of the one person reach over, you know, like, I mean safety first, parked cars are great, but you know, if you're on a long stretch with a safe driver and cruise control, then I've definitely been known to reach reach across the aisle. Yeah.
00:41:45:10 - 00:42:03:03
Mercedes
She rode my pussy in a Wendy's drive thru line once. That was pretty funny over my pants, but that was kind of hot. That was kind of what the drive thru was willing. We weren't going anywhere for a bit. The car was stopped and she was in the driver's seat because I can't drive and I was sitting shotgun, and she was just sort of like rubbing over my jeans.
00:42:03:03 - 00:42:23:20
Mercedes
And that was definitely hot. I'd have moments of like, oh, this feels nice. And it was like a Wendy's right there. So, so doing that more ceremoniously, like maybe like in a beautiful like ideally in a, like remote location. There's lots of, like, remote beaches and parks and stuff in the city that I live in. And it gets pretty dark at night.
00:42:23:20 - 00:42:36:01
Mercedes
So there would be a way to do it without other people being aware of it, because I don't want anyone to, consensually, like walk up to us, like having sex, because that's not fair to them. And that's kind of icky and bad. And it would ruin the mood.
00:42:36:06 - 00:42:46:12
Luna
Yeah, yeah. I mean, be aware of who's running your car. Also, though, if they're walking up to your car at night, they kind of have to do, you know, hands to the window to look in. So that's them being creepy, which is a different issue.
00:42:46:12 - 00:43:14:05
Mercedes
Yeah, exactly. And then we found a comprehensive list of kinks the other day. So I was like, now that we're close, we just got to have kinky sex, I guess. And she was like, yeah. Oh, definitely. Just like, keep things interesting. But a lot of them were like stuff that were definitely read like, I do not want to do that, but there's some like ones that are like either just sort of like will be either really fun to try or just like neither of us have any like particular aversion to it.
00:43:14:05 - 00:43:21:14
Mercedes
Like there was one where I was like having sex with a robot king, and I thought, we're both actors. And I'm like, okay.
00:43:21:16 - 00:43:36:18
Luna
Robot King is coming up. This is coming up synchronistic for me. So I'm like, damn, I think it might be in my future. You're you're the second person in two days to mention Robot King to me, and it's been on my bucket list and radar. Okay, okay. Wow. But I hear, like.
00:43:36:20 - 00:43:43:18
Mercedes
Me and my girlfriend are both actors, so, like, it'll either be goofy or it'll be sexy. Like, in either way, it's a medieval experience.
00:43:43:22 - 00:43:50:23
Luna
There's so many subtitles types of robot fetish stuff too. Yeah, so it's like you can take inspiration from many places, and.
00:43:50:23 - 00:44:07:21
Mercedes
Then she just thinks this might be uncomfortable, but I think it would be funny. There's like a kink about being, like, claustrophobic. And I have a tiny closet in my room. I was like, what if we both just, like, sat next to each other in a closet in the closet and touched herself? Like, why not? Again? Because it could either be goofy or sexy.
00:44:07:21 - 00:44:11:16
Mercedes
Like there's like, yeah, nobody gets hurt. Nobody really loses anything.
00:44:11:18 - 00:44:18:18
Luna
I love that idea of like, having a body pressed up against me in a tiny space and I'm like, ooh, my fingers will find a somewhere.
00:44:18:20 - 00:44:41:21
Mercedes
Exactly. And then this one is probably the most logistically challenging and I think slightly out of our comfort zone, but it's like a sort of like break in fantasy. My roommates and I, we don't lock our doors. We live in a safe neighborhood. We probably should lock our doors, but we just don't. So my girlfriend would say, like, not give me an exact time when she's coming by.
00:44:41:21 - 00:44:55:23
Mercedes
She doesn't feel comfortable, just sort of like randomly breaking in. She wants to give me like a window of when she's coming at least, but like, not sort of really knowing when she's coming and like, pretending to be asleep. And then she comes in. Yeah. And things progress.
00:44:56:01 - 00:45:08:01
Luna
I love that. I mean, the count is breaking in. If your door is unlocked. But also, I've had that same fantasy about like one of my lovers, like giving him the code to my lock box and being like, just come over anytime. Damn, I love that, I love that.
00:45:08:03 - 00:45:16:14
Mercedes
I'm definitely more into that one than she is. But because mostly I think she's just, like, worried about the logistics of it. And I'm like, I don't care, come in randomly and fuck me please.
00:45:16:16 - 00:45:20:20
Luna
Haha. You can warn a roommate that that's happening at some point.
00:45:20:22 - 00:45:26:09
Mercedes
She's over here all the time. They would just be like, oh hi girlfriend.
00:45:26:11 - 00:45:33:10
Luna
Okay. Is there anything else you feel like we need to know for this year's update? That's me hoping you'll come back at some point.
00:45:33:12 - 00:45:57:10
Mercedes
I would love to come back. I am starting to seriously consider I have so much like energy and passion around sex and I'm such a nerd. I've done so much research about sex work and religiously listened to this podcast, and always sort of been fascinated by sex and sexuality, that I made a decision for myself that I'm going to make myself wait till I'm 25.
00:45:57:10 - 00:46:17:16
Mercedes
But I should if I still want to. When I'm 25, I'm going to consider being a sex worker, because I think it would be very fun. And I think it would be energetically awesome for me because I hate working food service. I hate office jobs, like my ideal jobs are either like out in the forest taking care of a river, or like dumping someone in a dungeon.
00:46:17:16 - 00:46:39:05
Mercedes
Like those are the two. But giving myself some more time to grow up and really figure out, is this the road that you want to take? But I've had this, like secret fantasy of like, training in a dungeon and being part of that lovely world of sex and sexuality for a while. But I'm 19 years old and it will affect the rest of my life if I decide to choose this path.
00:46:39:09 - 00:46:40:22
Luna
But yes.
00:46:41:00 - 00:46:45:16
Mercedes
The more I, the more I pursue, like traditional college, the more I'm like, this is so boring.
00:46:45:18 - 00:47:03:10
Luna
Oh, this is it's not mutually exclusive, right? Like you can be in a forest, you can have college, you can become a sex worker, you can stop being a sex worker. And I mean, I will just say in six years from now, I will have a fuck ton even more research on the hierarchy. If there's something in particular you want to know about, I'll focus on it.
00:47:03:10 - 00:47:22:22
Luna
And I've got a lot of data that I am figuring out how to organize and share. And, you know, maybe the more of us that are out there being like, yeah, actually sex work is pretty fucking cool. And also, like, if everyone in this world were honest about the amount of sex work that they do and or have paid for, the stigma wouldn't exist.
00:47:22:22 - 00:47:41:03
Luna
Right? But, you know, even I am still figuring out what to share at what rate, because there still are like certain types of safety concerns. And I think it's social wise that you're waiting. And it's funny because I'm on the other side, right? And like, oh my God, I was in my 30s before I realized this was the obvious choice for me.
00:47:41:03 - 00:47:51:10
Luna
You know, it was only through stumbling into sex stories when I was like, wait a second, and like a sex worker. So I think that's great. I'm here for it. What kind of sex work you said, Dom, but like, is that what you're thinking? Mostly?
00:47:51:12 - 00:48:04:16
Mercedes
I think that's definitely the one that's the most in my wheelhouse. Yeah, I would want to first, obviously, like, earn my way, you know, try to find a dungeon that needs even someone to mop the floors or something, like, just to be in that space, all of it without.
00:48:04:16 - 00:48:05:06
Luna
A fundamental.
00:48:05:06 - 00:48:28:19
Mercedes
And then obviously getting get like training and stuff. Also, maybe not even like sex work where I'm doing hands on work, but I I've always been the person that people go and to me, either really important traumatic things that they need to process myself and or fun things that they're dipping their toe into that they want to learn more about or like.
00:48:28:21 - 00:48:41:09
Mercedes
Does the amount of time someone has come up to me and be like, Mercedes had a lesbian to have sex? And I'm like, one, how do you not know that? Okay, we have the internet. And two, let me tell you.
00:48:41:11 - 00:48:44:23
Luna
Well, there's the learning and the reading, and then there's like we're hearing it from an actual person.
00:48:44:23 - 00:48:55:02
Mercedes
It's probably better just to talk about it then, because how I learned was mostly through porn and not of not all of it was the right kind of learning.
00:48:55:02 - 00:49:13:18
Luna
Well, so that's I mean, this is where I'm trying to figure out my next steps, but I'm like, I just want to get brave enough to tell everyone that I actually do want to, like, touch them and interview them at the same time, you know? So I'm trying to figure out how to approach my I've started to tell my friends who actually work in porn who might be down for that, and it's so funny.
00:49:13:18 - 00:49:14:08
Mercedes
I totally do.
00:49:14:08 - 00:49:28:15
Luna
It. That's what I mean. That's what I want to do when I'm I want to actually like, I'm like, but first, I should watch all of Nina Hartley's content because she did, you know, some version of edgy porn. And I know that there are many other people doing edgy, erotic stuff, but I'm like my version, lots of different.
00:49:28:15 - 00:49:32:11
Luna
And also I have well, anyway, I'm figuring out the level of research to engage.
00:49:32:11 - 00:49:46:20
Mercedes
Oh, there's a really cool thing on bellezza where you have to pay to see the full video, so it just shows interviews, but it's going stars that have maybe like worked with another porn star and really enjoyed it and felt a connection. And they're choosing to like be like, I thought she was really cute. She made me cum a lot.
00:49:46:21 - 00:50:05:06
Mercedes
We had a wonderful conversation afterwards, but I haven't got to work with her in a year. I want to see. I want to have sex with her again, and I want to have a connection. So this isn't like an interview of the people who are going to be in the scene together and like watching them, like the jitters and the nervous and like talking to each other about boundaries and like how they're doing that day, like in love for her.
00:50:05:10 - 00:50:08:11
Luna
Thank you for telling us about that. That's exactly what I want to watch.
00:50:08:16 - 00:50:23:10
Mercedes
It's the best kind because you like one. You're like, I'm 100% sure that the performers are consenting in this, because I'm watching them have a conversation about how excited they're like, you can never be 100% sure, but on a like a page saying like, blessed, you can never be the same.
00:50:23:11 - 00:50:24:06
Luna
Sure that's.
00:50:24:06 - 00:50:41:12
Mercedes
True. Yeah. These are intros to paid videos on a ethical porn site. You're like 99.9% sure that they're both very into this. And it's hot. Like, because I'm only seeing the interest. I'm too broke to watch the whole video for now. For now, I'll see how much it actually is to subscribe, because it might be worth it just to like, learn more.
00:50:41:14 - 00:50:48:02
Mercedes
And also, it's hot as hell, but it's cool just watching them talk to each other and be excited to have sex with each other.
00:50:48:02 - 00:50:49:06
Luna
Damn.
00:50:49:08 - 00:50:51:03
Mercedes
Oh, that's a cool. Porn is awesome.
00:50:51:03 - 00:51:06:14
Luna
Other cool porn is awesome. Education is awesome. Following your curiosity is awesome and being willing to explore and being willing to let stuff be uncomfortable. It's really awesome. So Mercedes, thank you so much for coming back and sharing your sex stories updates.
00:51:06:20 - 00:51:07:19
Mercedes
Thank you so much. While.
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