Burlesque, Bisexuality & Adoration: Bebe Bubbles on Love
- Luna Robbie
- Nov 7, 2024
- 43 min read
Updated: Jun 26
27 bisexual plus-sized femme, switch, non-monogamish, partnered 9 months, disability support worker, Australian, into: Dominance, submission, new experiences, restraints, cock and ball torture, crafts, burlesque
🔗 BEBE LINKS | @bebe.bubbles
00:00:00:10 - 00:00:10:09
Luna
And we are back today with our very good friend Bebe, a 27 year old bisexual, non-monogamy ish plus size femme who's partnered in a nine month relationship. Welcome back.
00:00:10:09 - 00:00:11:10
Luna
Bebe.
00:00:11:12 - 00:00:13:09
Bebe
Thanks for having me back.
00:00:13:11 - 00:00:17:07
Luna
Okay, so what does love mean to you?
00:00:17:09 - 00:00:36:21
Bebe
I think love comes in a lot of different forms. But at the end of the day, I think it's all to do with mutual understanding. And, you know, you learn people and you grow with people. And I think that the ability to do that.
00:00:36:23 - 00:00:38:01
Luna
Is.
00:00:38:03 - 00:00:38:10
Bebe
The.
00:00:38:10 - 00:00:41:14
Luna
Essence of love.
00:00:41:16 - 00:00:59:22
Bebe
Yeah. So I guess no matter whether it's, you know, family, love friend love partner, love all of those things, I think at the end of the day it's a constant exchange of communication and emotion and it is ongoing and growing beautiful.
00:01:00:00 - 00:01:23:18
Luna
Can you define since you brought it up, like for you, the difference in feeling between like, say, romantic love? I'm still trying to figure out exactly what is romantic and that sort of like familial and or community friendship, etc. love. And you could even go into like, love, a fandom love of other things. But I would like to hear just kind of like the different types of people love as you experience it.
00:01:23:20 - 00:02:01:11
Bebe
Yeah. So I think that this was a pretty new, understanding, I guess, like over the last couple of years, I've been pondering it myself. Particularly because I was reflecting on my experiences as a teenager. And I found that I really struggled to identify the differences, and I kind of categorize people after meeting them and getting to know them for a short period of time, really, whether they were someone I was physically attracted to and could develop something there, or whether I had kind of put them in this category of like, this person's a friend.
00:02:01:11 - 00:02:21:18
Bebe
And then it grew to like, family. We had a tendency to take people in, in my household. So we were always, you know, all my friends were always welcome to stay for dinner. And like, they just became part of the family really quick. So I always kind of just saw as two, you know, there was, familial love, which I felt for friends and family.
00:02:21:20 - 00:02:42:16
Bebe
And, you know, it could even people I've known in two days, as soon as I feel that kind of connection, it's just, this is a friend person, this person I've got in my space, and I love them in this way. But if there was kind of elements of sexual attraction as well, immediately I'd place them in this potential category for romantic love.
00:02:42:18 - 00:03:02:09
Bebe
And I think that, it's, it's much more of a spectrum than that. People can follow anywhere in those spaces. But I got really stuck on the categorization of it. Yeah. So I guess that's kind of I guess these days I try not to categorize it, and I see when I feel it.
00:03:02:11 - 00:03:06:06
Luna
Okay. More like an ongoing.
00:03:06:07 - 00:03:23:19
Bebe
In an ongoing way. And I've grown to understand that that can shift and change. I had a long term relationship that was six and a half years previously. And in that time, how I loved that person shifted and changed.
00:03:23:21 - 00:03:24:11
Luna
00:03:26:17 - 00:03:41:09
Bebe
Sometimes it did dim quite a bit and other times it grew even more. I think that that is kind of the essence of the whole thing. Yeah. Things can shift and change and I think that's where it all comes together.
00:03:41:11 - 00:03:59:17
Luna
So if I'm hearing or understanding or perhaps I'm just projecting. It sounds like you now in your current evolution, have space for people to move around on that spectrum. Do they move around for you or have you experienced kind of that difference in a friendship romance, sort of way?
00:03:59:18 - 00:04:18:07
Bebe
So I don't know if I have necessarily felt it in the direction of like I've developed crushes on people I was friends with and things like that. It didn't necessarily get reciprocated. So then my kind of stance on that, it's still the same, but it's just, I guess.
00:04:18:11 - 00:04:18:18
Luna
Yeah.
00:04:18:21 - 00:04:45:14
Bebe
Yeah, but I've had people in my life that I've had sexual relationships with that I had, you know, those sort of feelings for. And they've become friends and that's okay too. As long as we're kind of communicating through that, then it's okay. And like, these are people that I can still talk to because we had that ongoing communication about that without feelings.
00:04:45:16 - 00:05:14:05
Luna
Oh my God, I want to jump ahead. The question I'm going to do it. It sounds like that. Where were you in your monogamy journey? Non-monogamy ish. Because that to me feels very open relationship ish, queer ish. You know, sort of like the constantly communicating to be on the same page about where we are and when when you say the word makes it okay, does that mean like, maybe smaller amounts of hurt feelings or more like kind of allowing each person to, you know, to be where they actually are?
00:05:14:06 - 00:05:19:18
Luna
Like what? What is it that makes it okay? And kind of like, how do you understand that switching.
00:05:19:20 - 00:05:44:17
Bebe
So this is where I get to do my little I love one little spiel. So I started listening to your podcast about three and a half years ago. Okay. While I was in that long term relationship. And it helped me realize a lot of things, it really cemented my kind of acceptance of my bisexuality and my realizing that I was queer.
00:05:44:18 - 00:05:49:10
Bebe
It was very similar. Kind of. I was 25 at the time, and I was like, oh my God, this whole time? Of course.
00:05:49:10 - 00:05:51:16
Luna
This whole time.
00:05:51:18 - 00:06:10:22
Bebe
And I think that also you hearing people talk about non-monogamy, in various ways, it was quite enlightening for me. And I realized that I did not have any kind of basis of this communication in the relationship I was in.
00:06:11:00 - 00:06:11:09
Luna
00:06:11:11 - 00:06:41:01
Bebe
So regardless of the fact that I started to want this kind of more open relationship, it was the fact that it wasn't being communicated well, that was the real crux of the issue and why that relationship ended immediately at the end of the day. So it was, you know, I brought it up and she had basically kind of gone like, oh, yeah, I guess that, that's not communicating.
00:06:41:03 - 00:06:41:11
Luna
Yeah.
00:06:41:16 - 00:06:53:21
Bebe
You know, that sort of wishy washy kind of way of I'm not okay with this, but I'm not willing to tell, you know. Yeah. I'm not okay with is actually that hurts me more.
00:06:53:23 - 00:06:54:16
Luna
Yeah.
00:06:54:18 - 00:07:07:05
Bebe
As a person than just someone going, I'm actually not okay with this and we need to work through that. So post, that breakup, I went about a month.
00:07:07:06 - 00:07:07:13
Luna
That.
00:07:07:13 - 00:07:19:18
Bebe
I didn't see anybody. I was busy working on a show at the time, which was actually very much about. It was called bimbo. And it was about. Yeah, it won a Fringe Award in Adelaide.
00:07:19:19 - 00:07:22:06
Luna
Contract talks have really. No.
00:07:22:08 - 00:07:29:00
Luna
Hold on, hold on. Are we allowed to say Adelaide? I just want to check in about your comfort because we could just we could just. Okay. Okay.
00:07:29:06 - 00:07:30:03
Luna
Cool. Me. Yeah.
00:07:30:05 - 00:07:34:07
Luna
We can just cut it after it won a fringe award because fringe is everywhere.
00:07:34:09 - 00:07:35:20
Bebe
That's true. Maybe.
00:07:35:22 - 00:07:37:10
Luna
Okay. I might.
00:07:37:12 - 00:07:39:02
Bebe
See how I feel towards. Yeah.
00:07:39:04 - 00:07:40:00
Luna
Okay. Okay, cool.
00:07:40:01 - 00:07:40:23
Bebe
I'm not that way.
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Luna
Okay. Yeah. I just didn't put on the original. Yeah.
00:07:44:14 - 00:08:10:08
Bebe
And it was largely about, kind of challenging the stereotypes that are given to women. It helped me understand myself a lot more as well. And I really grew hugely through that month. And then I kind of entered, as we briefly mentioned, the whole phase. I was calling it home phase 2.0 at the time.
00:08:10:10 - 00:08:14:09
Bebe
Where I've entered into this space a lot wiser.
00:08:14:15 - 00:08:16:10
Luna
And.
00:08:16:12 - 00:08:52:06
Bebe
More communicative and just ready to be in a space where it's okay to express my sexuality and to show it in ways that I'm comfortable with as long as everyone else's as well. And I think, yeah, that's when I started to, yeah. Really realize that this communication aspect comes in. So I originally in my previous home phase, before this long term relationship, I was not very good at communicating.
00:08:52:08 - 00:09:02:03
Bebe
I was really scared to tell people no. And I, you know, it reveals me as a Gemini when I say that ghosted people.
00:09:02:05 - 00:09:02:14
Luna
Because I.
00:09:02:14 - 00:09:08:11
Bebe
Did I did because I didn't want to upset anyone. So I just went through a just to.
00:09:08:13 - 00:09:10:05
Luna
I didn't realize that.
00:09:10:07 - 00:09:19:10
Luna
I upset so many people, and I was like, wow, why are all these people so mean and mad at me? And it's because I was being direct in a way that I didn't realize was abnormal.
00:09:19:10 - 00:09:29:16
Bebe
Not only right. And so I would just I would disappear because I've had that happen a few times. So I just had taken that as the norm. And then, you know, it occurred to me that maybe that.
00:09:29:16 - 00:09:32:04
Luna
Shouldn't be.
00:09:32:06 - 00:09:53:22
Bebe
So going into this kind of new phase I really went into from this place of communication. So when I started, I this is a little bit of extra that I have never, oh, not never a very rarely met anyone in person. And that was my first interaction with them. Most people I had met online.
00:09:54:00 - 00:09:55:05
Luna
Okay.
00:09:55:06 - 00:10:01:00
Bebe
Some online dating. Okay. Slash up.
00:10:01:01 - 00:10:02:05
Luna
I have so much to learn.
00:10:02:05 - 00:10:04:12
Luna
From you, but we'll save that for the future part.
00:10:04:14 - 00:10:25:05
Bebe
Well, if anything, I think we can learn from each other because I've really always struggled to find the bridge between, you know, having a conversation with someone in person and then expressing how I feel about them in an attraction. That's because when I did that, the couple of times I did as a teenager and just really badly.
00:10:25:06 - 00:10:25:21
Luna
Yeah.
00:10:25:23 - 00:10:45:01
Bebe
And it really damaged my relationship with that person because we were friends first. Yeah. And I think that that made me quite scared to do an in person. So then I kind of had this ability to do it online where I could be more direct and I could kind of sit behind that shield that is like a screen.
00:10:45:03 - 00:10:46:02
Luna
Yeah.
00:10:46:04 - 00:10:50:20
Bebe
And you know, if I. Yeah. Yeah. So it's it's really odd, but it's.
00:10:50:22 - 00:11:21:21
Luna
Yeah I think it's actually pretty normal. And I just want to highlight and reflect that. I agree that open clear communication is loving. You know, Brené Brown says clear is kind. I really believe that. And I'm in my 2.0, whatever iteration of myself I am today in terms of understanding people and relationships and connection, I am in a new phase of understanding that everyone has different definitions of clarity and different definitions of kindness, and different definitions of what they'd like to receive.
00:11:21:21 - 00:11:52:22
Luna
I think something that's been struggling for me or or rather something I'm still just is an ongoing noodle because everyone is different and we have no kind of like a common cultural in this global world of I'm using air quotes culture there. There are no there's no one set of norms for how to treat each other. There truly is, you know, and to go back to the the ghosting thing, it's like for some people that is more kind, it's more kind of just disappear than to be like, hey, this isn't a fit for me because I really feel like there's a gap here.
00:11:52:22 - 00:12:11:21
Luna
Or like I'm actually noticing that I'm needing this and like, I think you're wonderful, but this need is, you know, and I'm also learning to do it more elegantly, to keep it all in the frame of like, oh, my needs are different, right? Rather than like, you're not good enough because I'm blah blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's the part of me that used to be trying to control people.
00:12:11:23 - 00:12:39:08
Luna
But what I hear in in this thoughtful share about the type of communication and, you know, what was the origin of this quote, where we're talking about, like, love moving from from friendship to romance is just a willingness to continue to experiment and explore. And I do want to also celebrate, like if you're finding for anyone, you, me, all of us, if we are finding ways to connect with people at all.
00:12:39:08 - 00:13:07:14
Luna
Right? Like, I really struggle with the online thing and I'm realizing, like in the last year, six months, especially like after six years of being deeply on the internet, I'm like, so what? People are hiding their selves on the internet? Oh, that's what the aliases are for. Like I didn't I feel very slow in certain ways. And also, you know, I'm a birder, like I blurt stuff out in real life in these certain ways.
00:13:07:14 - 00:13:28:01
Luna
It doesn't mean everything. I'm sure I still have stuff that I keep secret because of my own, like unconscious, tendencies, but but I also, it's funny because I must have some sort of rejection kink, because I too have been like, I like you. And then the people like, it's not a good reaction, but I'm like, well, I keep telling them otherwise they will never know, you know?
00:13:28:01 - 00:13:28:14
Luna
And so.
00:13:28:14 - 00:13:29:13
Luna
That's.
00:13:29:15 - 00:13:49:22
Luna
And now I am in a phase where I have lately been attracting partners in person, where I'm able to be like, I really like this part of you were like, I'm so attracted to you. And and the people that I'm dating right now are not dating is not the right word. The people that I'm connecting with right now are like, great, awesome.
00:13:49:22 - 00:14:09:18
Luna
That's hot. And what's missing is the two way street. Like, they like me, but it's like, how much or do they express it or like it to hear it? So it's like, yeah. So okay, I love that noodle. And loving communication. I would love to hear specifically, concretely who and or what do you love. Like what in your life lights you up?
00:14:09:18 - 00:14:22:15
Luna
What do you feel passionate about. And again this can be activities, people, different types of people. And if you can give us you feeling words about like why? When do you feel lit up in love and connect? You know, not necessarily romantic love, but also romantic love.
00:14:22:17 - 00:14:27:21
Luna
Yeah. So I have a lot of love in my life.
00:14:27:23 - 00:14:30:03
Bebe
Especially when it's that broad.
00:14:30:05 - 00:14:31:10
Luna
Yeah.
00:14:31:12 - 00:14:40:14
Bebe
I'm very much a person who likes to do a little bit of everything. I'm, like hobby switcher. My most recent one was knitting and Hershey.
00:14:40:16 - 00:14:41:19
Luna
Wool, but.
00:14:41:21 - 00:15:10:06
Bebe
I also, I love being able to express myself creatively in various forms. I do writing, I try to dabble in a little bit of art. I do performance, I've done various forms of dance and theater. I sing as well. And it's, you know, I've always been able to express myself creatively, and I love doing that because it's, it's a freedom to it.
00:15:10:07 - 00:15:29:21
Bebe
And I think that's what I love about it. You know, I get to I feel warm when I hear applause. I actually that's a really funny part, because I used to go home after performances and I would just be wildly turned on, saying is, this is X stories. This is the perfect place to say that.
00:15:29:21 - 00:15:30:16
Luna
00:15:30:18 - 00:15:53:14
Bebe
But because there's that, that adoration and that I get from applause, that just seeps into me and I like it's not necessarily in the moment, kind of in that, like, you know, sexual space. But by the time I get home, I'm like, y it from performing, and I just feel it so intensely.
00:15:53:16 - 00:15:54:06
Luna
Yeah.
00:15:54:07 - 00:15:56:14
Bebe
And I just need a way to express that.
00:15:56:16 - 00:15:57:05
Luna
00:15:57:21 - 00:16:24:02
Bebe
So that's really fun. I really love my partner. We met about nine months ago. Maybe ten months ago now. When we met and we started dating two weeks later, and, love was very fast and intense. It hasn't faded at all. Which I think, you know, nine months is still not that long in the grand scheme of things.
00:16:24:02 - 00:16:52:00
Bebe
But there is something so right about how it feels, I've never felt quite as seem quite as supported, quite as understood, just as a person. They have this ability to anticipate my needs before I know what they are half the time. You know, I could be feeling some kind of way about anything, and they've already there.
00:16:52:05 - 00:17:14:11
Bebe
They already know they're already there and feeling it with me. That is something heritable. Like I said, it feels like a lot to put on a person, and I never expect it. But the fact that they just are, that is amazing. And I feel very, very lucky to have them in my life. A lot of love for my partner.
00:17:14:13 - 00:17:36:15
Bebe
And I love my friends and family a lot. I remember at some point in my early 20s having a discussion with my friends. We were all like, we do love each other. I don't just say it all the time, you know? Like, why don't we say I love you to each other all the time? So after having a short conversation with my friends, you know, the embers.
00:17:36:15 - 00:17:41:16
Bebe
Just like love, love you. You know, like, it's just. It is what it is. Oh, my. Because I do love them.
00:17:41:18 - 00:17:42:07
Luna
Yeah.
00:17:42:12 - 00:18:04:15
Luna
I'm realizing. Are you saying that I say that to my friends all the time, and I, I'm like, should I have been asking permission? Should I have been talking about it out loud? I don't know, I have initiated that unconsciously a lot. So I guess that's I don't know, you know, and with a new friend, like, kind of my new closest friend, we're maybe 6 or 8 months into, like, a deepening closeness.
00:18:04:15 - 00:18:04:19
Luna
And I.
00:18:04:19 - 00:18:06:09
Luna
Realized, like, now that you said I was like.
00:18:06:09 - 00:18:07:17
Luna
Oh, my God. I said it to her.
00:18:07:21 - 00:18:09:15
Luna
Oh, my God, was that too much or that too?
00:18:09:15 - 00:18:11:17
Luna
But they would tell me if they're friends.
00:18:11:19 - 00:18:12:11
Luna
And I think.
00:18:12:11 - 00:18:24:10
Bebe
That people do, if they're not feeling like, oh, you know, maybe not everyone will pick it up. But yeah, if people find comfortable, they they probably won't say it back.
00:18:24:12 - 00:18:25:01
Luna
Okay.
00:18:25:03 - 00:18:33:08
Bebe
Like I say, very rarely. Like, if I don't feel that way about a person, if someone threw that at me and I was like, oh, I don't.
00:18:33:10 - 00:18:33:21
Luna
Yeah.
00:18:33:23 - 00:18:41:09
Bebe
I don't know how to respond to that. Right. And I probably be like, oh, you two, that's where they get you.
00:18:41:11 - 00:18:44:13
Luna
Yeah, I've definitely like, oh, thank you.
00:18:44:13 - 00:18:59:09
Luna
But it's also because it was in romantic context where I was like, that person, that person is in love with the feeling of the moment. That's real. You know, I also I also do feel pretty big love for the universe, like, for people. And if there is deep connection, I'm like, well, that's a form of love.
00:18:59:09 - 00:18:59:21
Luna
It doesn't mean.
00:18:59:21 - 00:19:01:04
Luna
I'm going to marry them.
00:19:01:04 - 00:19:27:23
Bebe
I'm not on a marriage path. And you figured that out. Yeah, it's funny you bring that up because I again, in her phase two, when I had this whole, like, revelation about how it doesn't matter if I have a short connection with something or with someone or something really, or anything, and that's okay. It doesn't lessen the connection that I felt in that moment.
00:19:28:01 - 00:19:57:19
Bebe
I think that was huge for my acceptance of things being over. Just, you know, even in this space, you know, there was a few times that I was like, oh, I kind of like this person maybe a little bit more than this sort of friends with benefits. But these are kind of space. And, you know, so I would mention that, and if I didn't feel that way, I didn't necessarily take offense to it.
00:19:57:19 - 00:20:24:02
Bebe
I just could go, oh, well, that's okay. I can't control how other people feel. Yeah. And I think that was the one that I had to accept, myself. And it was funny. Like, I went on what I thought was my first ever date with a female bodied person, and I didn't realize that she didn't know it was a day.
00:20:24:04 - 00:20:26:11
Luna
Oh, because the words was like.
00:20:26:11 - 00:20:28:20
Luna
My biggest fear. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:20:28:20 - 00:20:29:10
Luna
Wow.
00:20:29:12 - 00:20:36:06
Bebe
I think you're a really cool person. And I'd love to take you out for dinner, which feels like it might hint.
00:20:36:07 - 00:20:37:05
Luna
I feel like.
00:20:37:06 - 00:20:46:12
Luna
I feel even me, I would say take you out to. I would love to take you out to dinner. I feel like is a date. Otherwise it would be we should do dinner, you know?
00:20:46:14 - 00:20:47:09
Luna
Yeah.
00:20:47:11 - 00:21:01:13
Bebe
So I think that as far as the words I used, it did feel like I'd ask that. But I haven't explicitly said it right. And I think there's an odd thing that happens. I don't know if other people have had this experience. I'm sure they have.
00:21:01:15 - 00:21:02:22
Luna
But.
00:21:03:00 - 00:21:24:01
Bebe
When it when you're a queer person but maybe new to being out or anything like that, it's sometimes it's hard to gauge whether a person is just being nice and trying to be a friend, or whether they're interested in you, because I just work.
00:21:24:04 - 00:21:25:05
Luna
Out that.
00:21:25:06 - 00:21:26:06
Bebe
I have to.
00:21:26:06 - 00:21:27:15
Luna
I haven't gone to like.
00:21:27:17 - 00:21:35:20
Luna
I've been queer now one decade I turned 35. I am one decade of conscious queer. I don't have a gaydar.
00:21:35:20 - 00:21:42:05
Luna
And I and it doesn't matter if it's a femme or a masculine person, it doesn't matter.
00:21:42:07 - 00:21:56:21
Luna
And it doesn't matter for me if I'm fucking them or not fucking them. I'm like, oh, you like me that much? Like I recently was like talking to a hookup buddy. And I was just like, I think you're too busy. I don't think this is working like I don't, you know, I clearly want more. And, you know, I'm not trying to marry you.
00:21:56:21 - 00:22:02:04
Luna
Thank you for not trying to marry me. But, like, I think you're too busy for this. And we're on different pages. And he was like, whoa whoa whoa.
00:22:02:04 - 00:22:03:23
Luna
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. No no no no.
00:22:04:02 - 00:22:09:23
Luna
I was like, So, you know, anyway, sorry to interrupt, but like, I think that's a tricky thing.
00:22:10:01 - 00:22:16:14
Bebe
It is. And I think it's hard to gauge in all relationships, I suppose, but particularly when, you know, queer.
00:22:16:16 - 00:22:20:00
Luna
Yeah. They don't know a whole other things happen.
00:22:20:00 - 00:22:41:12
Luna
Yeah. That's true. That's true. Yeah. And because there also are not necessarily defaults of lead, not to say that dudes are always leaders in heteronormative relationships, but I think that's a pattern that we've been taught to understand. But I would also say in my own personal experience, trying to date dudes lately, it's I have not met one in a while.
00:22:41:12 - 00:22:53:03
Luna
Well, I have met one. The one that's trying to keep me, but like, I haven't met very many that are, like, capable of, like, making plans. I'm like, oh, so you're you want to have a mommy tour guide?
00:22:53:05 - 00:22:56:00
Luna
Sex. Like, what are you talking about with, like.
00:22:56:06 - 00:23:14:04
Luna
Ask me to dinner. Give me an irresistible invitation. If you can't do that. Like, we're on so far of different pages. I also wanted to kind of, like, just clap at you for putting yourself out there with the hookup buddies in in this moment where it's like, here's how I feel like that, that a lot of people do not do that.
00:23:14:04 - 00:23:35:03
Luna
You know, especially a lot of people who communicate with me if they are, I don't know, meeting people online, like, can be really hard to, to translate into person. One of the best lessons I was ever taught by a truly terrible, like three months of an honest relationship with a with a dude who self-described as a narcissist and I didn't believe him.
00:23:35:03 - 00:24:01:17
Luna
Like, I'm like, next time I'll believe them the first time. But then he was like, no, no, no, like NPD. Like my mom has it, like I might have it too. But he was also like whiplash unconscious. And again, I don't I don't go around diagnosing people lightly. And I also realize that I don't always take people seriously because because 90% of the people I meet now were like, I have ADHD, and I'm not saying that we don't, but I'm also saying we don't have enough research out loud about how screens are affecting our focus.
00:24:01:17 - 00:24:21:18
Luna
But we do have a lot of research about the content that's performing best. And it's, you know, 45 to 90s if it's educational or 6 to 9 seconds if it's entertaining. So I'm like, that's is that ADHD or is it we're screen drained. So I digress. But that guy, I was like, I don't know if I want to be in this connection anymore.
00:24:21:18 - 00:24:38:08
Luna
I was like, I'm, I'm tired of being the more excited person. I'm always the more excited person. And he just looked at me like, well, if you're always the more excited person, why would you expect anything different? And I was like, oh, it like what I was actually trying to communicate is, I think I like you more than you like me.
00:24:38:08 - 00:24:56:22
Luna
I would like better treatment. I want better behavior. But getting that thrown in my face also helped me realize, like on a baseline, maybe I will be more excited, curious, enthusiastic, and maybe that means I can do a better job of filtering in order to be loving to myself, you know? So that's.
00:24:56:22 - 00:25:05:21
Bebe
Yeah, I think that's a yeah, a really good kind of point. I think that being able to kind of notice those patterns.
00:25:06:01 - 00:25:06:16
Luna
Yeah.
00:25:06:18 - 00:25:30:18
Bebe
Is a huge thing. So why do I keep dating the same type of person? And I think that's yeah, a very, very interesting kind of aspect of that. And I think, I think that's where changing your patterns then comes into play. I was just kind of, I think what you were saying, I think that was. Yeah, very much what I tried to do.
00:25:30:20 - 00:25:31:00
Luna
Yeah.
00:25:31:04 - 00:25:54:05
Bebe
Kind of coming out of that long term relationship, I'm like, I remember not super well, my memory's not amazing. But I do remember vaguely how I ended up in the space. The long term relationship was also my first relationship. That was kind of defined as boyfriend girlfriend. And that started when I was 20. So it was.
00:25:54:05 - 00:26:22:04
Bebe
Yeah, it was really. I think I had grown up so much and learned so much more about the world and my sexuality and understanding how people interact. As well, that then I could go into this new space with that knowledge. And so it was actually really funny because when I mentioned to this person that I had, they started talking about a crush that they.
00:26:22:04 - 00:26:24:23
Luna
Had, and I was like, oh.
00:26:24:23 - 00:26:26:11
Bebe
That's not me.
00:26:26:13 - 00:26:29:00
Luna
Oh, man. It's very sweet.
00:26:29:00 - 00:26:31:12
Luna
What's this on your date or your thought? You, you know.
00:26:31:13 - 00:26:34:15
Luna
I mean, it's just like, oh damn, I called it my not date.
00:26:34:15 - 00:26:35:00
Bebe
You're not.
00:26:35:00 - 00:26:37:03
Luna
Date. Yeah. Yeah.
00:26:37:05 - 00:26:56:00
Bebe
And I went, and they made a self, detrimental comment, about it and they're like, yeah, but they're probably not even into me because like, who would be? And I was like, this is like the perfect time to bring it up. Actually, I did invite you out as a date, which I realize now, you didn't know, which.
00:26:56:00 - 00:26:58:02
Luna
Is for you.
00:26:58:04 - 00:27:14:01
Bebe
But I just want to let you know that people are attracted to you and interested in you. Because the reason I asked you to go out for dinner is. Yes, because you're an amazingly funny and cool person, but also because I was attracted to you. You know, by the end of the night, we were laughing about it.
00:27:14:01 - 00:27:17:07
Bebe
And she's like, you, you have a crush on me. And like I do, I've told.
00:27:17:07 - 00:27:18:20
Luna
You that I know, and.
00:27:18:20 - 00:27:19:02
Bebe
That's.
00:27:19:02 - 00:27:21:22
Luna
Okay. Yes. Because, yeah.
00:27:22:00 - 00:27:30:20
Bebe
Just because someone doesn't feel the same way, it doesn't have to necessarily be an issue. As long as I enter a space, knowing that is a possibility.
00:27:30:20 - 00:27:34:02
Luna
Yes. And as long as they're not like on purpose fucking with each other.
00:27:34:07 - 00:27:34:21
Luna
It's likely.
00:27:35:02 - 00:27:44:11
Bebe
I think, that I have previously had a lot of issues with things. So I'm a big party planner. I rehearse conversations in my head and.
00:27:44:13 - 00:27:45:10
Luna
00:27:45:12 - 00:28:08:18
Bebe
And as soon as something doesn't go the way I expect it to go, I get really thrown off by that. It can make me upset. And I think I'm more upset because I didn't think of that particular possibility. I didn't plan enough for that. But then it becomes tricky. So going into the space where it's like, this person might not feel the same way, and that's okay.
00:28:08:18 - 00:28:31:01
Bebe
And processing that almost like, you know, by saying hi, like, I want to let you know something in a way about our current relationship and how I would either like it to change or how I feel about what it is, but processing it by saying like, this is how I feel about it. I just want to know where you're at.
00:28:31:04 - 00:28:53:06
Bebe
It doesn't have to be the same place, and we can talk about that. Yeah. And like, I've had conversations that almost weren't exactly like that. I was seeing a, it all gets very convoluted my life a little bit sometimes, but I was I had a regular, friend with benefits we call them, and they.
00:28:53:08 - 00:29:18:04
Bebe
So we both ended up with the nested because clearly someone put it in, and we weren't practicing safe enough sex, and that's how it happens. Yeah. So that is what happens. And, you know, through that time, obviously, while you're getting treatment, you don't, just for the record, just because I feel like it's useful for people to know we.
00:29:18:06 - 00:29:19:22
Luna
Yeah.
00:29:20:00 - 00:29:46:16
Bebe
So it was gonorrhea, and we found it out, and we got treatment for it, because that is an option. And then it's important that you, you don't have sex or, like, have sexual partners for the week while treatment is happening. Then they get retested, make sure you're all clear and also not have sex with that other person again until they're also coming back as negative on the test.
00:29:46:18 - 00:30:11:01
Bebe
So the HUD, you know, we've got other things going on in our lives jobs, friends, etc. but we found the afternoons really empty. And we weren't doing as much because what we were doing was going out and sleeping with people. So we ended up having a lot, just like we just talked about life and things. We were interested in.
00:30:11:03 - 00:30:16:02
Bebe
And I started to develop feelings for this person because all of a sudden they were just a lot.
00:30:16:04 - 00:30:16:12
Luna
Yeah.
00:30:16:18 - 00:30:36:03
Bebe
And so because of that, I then brought it up to them. I was like, hey, so, you know, we've been chatting a lot and we've been hanging out and I really enjoyed a, a started to develop a little bit of a crush on you. It doesn't have to be a big thing, you know, like, my object permanence is not amazing.
00:30:36:03 - 00:30:39:07
Luna
Sometimes.
00:30:39:09 - 00:30:43:06
Bebe
So, you know, like, if I don't see you for two months, I'll probably.
00:30:43:06 - 00:30:45:02
Luna
Move past that much.
00:30:45:04 - 00:31:02:11
Bebe
You know? But I just wanted to bring that up to you to see how you were feeling. And they're like, look, I'm not really feeling the same way. You know, if you're happy to continue to just having sex, that's cool. And we reduced how much we saw each other. I think we slept together one more time after that and that was it.
00:31:02:11 - 00:31:07:19
Bebe
And that's fine. And we still have each other. The thing we were messaging on anyway.
00:31:07:21 - 00:31:08:19
Luna
I like. Yeah.
00:31:08:21 - 00:31:23:07
Bebe
And look, we've randomly checked in here and there just to be like, hey, how's your life doing? Oh, yeah, I met this person and I'm with them and we're having a good time. Oh that's amazing. And like, we just talk like that now and that's fine. And like, that works really well for me.
00:31:23:09 - 00:31:24:20
Luna
Yes, yes.
00:31:24:21 - 00:31:26:22
Bebe
And it was just going into it like that.
00:31:27:04 - 00:31:29:08
Luna
Yeah. Wow.
00:31:29:10 - 00:31:42:00
Luna
Oh my god. Okay. And I am excited to get into details. But first I would love to hear when and how do you feel loved. In what ways do you feel loved.
00:31:42:02 - 00:31:44:23
Luna
So I.
00:31:45:01 - 00:31:50:03
Bebe
Am a big fan of physical touch as feels shocking, after what I've been talking about so.
00:31:50:03 - 00:31:52:23
Luna
Far, no, but I.
00:31:53:01 - 00:32:23:12
Bebe
I do love physical touch, and it doesn't have to be sexual necessarily. I just, it's really funny because I actually didn't know that for a really long time. I and so it's a little bit sometimes saying it. But in my previous relationship, I became quite a touch of earth, and I didn't realize that the reason was because I wasn't as in love with that person as I was previously, so suddenly giving my love out in that way.
00:32:23:14 - 00:32:24:23
Bebe
So it really touching.
00:32:25:01 - 00:32:25:21
Luna
Them because.
00:32:25:21 - 00:32:33:11
Bebe
It's like, this is a space that I feel loved. So when I'm no longer feeling it, then that is exhausting.
00:32:33:13 - 00:32:34:15
Luna
Yeah.
00:32:34:17 - 00:33:01:12
Bebe
But I yeah, I realized after a long time it's like, I'm not I actually really crave that, you know, I hug my friends and I, you know, and now with a partner that I want to engage in that with, I spend a lot of time just even just sitting next to them with my hand on their lap, like it's just a nice soft touch just to be to show you that I'm there and with them and it just really shows me of that.
00:33:01:14 - 00:33:12:18
Bebe
I do find I do primarily prefer that in my romantic relationships. But I do. I love hugging my friends, and I like that's just it's a good feelings. So.
00:33:12:20 - 00:33:14:03
Luna
Yeah.
00:33:14:05 - 00:33:28:13
Bebe
I also, it's funny because I had a chat with my partner when we kind of had been together not that long at the time, but we were talking about love languages, and we started to think about, like, all of them. Yeah, in different ways.
00:33:28:15 - 00:33:29:18
Luna
But also food.
00:33:29:23 - 00:33:33:12
Luna
I'm sorry, but food is its own category for me. Like, for me, I'm like.
00:33:33:16 - 00:33:46:22
Bebe
If we want to get yeah, weird categories. I say I can cook, but I don't love to cook. I find it a little bit draining sometimes, but I'm like a person who's like, yeah, I'll just that's my shout. Don't worry.
00:33:46:22 - 00:33:47:13
Luna
About it.
00:33:47:15 - 00:33:49:14
Bebe
Like, because if they're like.
00:33:49:17 - 00:33:50:01
Luna
If you're.
00:33:50:01 - 00:33:52:00
Luna
What? Then you're what? My
00:33:52:01 - 00:33:54:21
Bebe
My shout. So I will pay for it.
00:33:54:23 - 00:33:55:15
Luna
That's a bit.
00:33:55:17 - 00:33:56:03
Bebe
Of.
00:33:56:05 - 00:33:58:03
Luna
Yeah, yeah. And I like to.
00:33:58:03 - 00:34:05:04
Luna
Think, wait, that's my show. That's my show. I'm going to say that that's my show. Would you ever say that's your shout?
00:34:05:06 - 00:34:10:15
Bebe
Like, probably not, because it's just like, well, I don't want to pay for it, so you better pay for it.
00:34:10:17 - 00:34:11:15
Luna
Oh, I know, but, like.
00:34:11:16 - 00:34:20:00
Bebe
Open it's a bit of a sometimes you might, if, if you've kind of got this tit for tat relationship with the person. So like.
00:34:20:00 - 00:34:29:01
Luna
I'm like, if I found an Australian sugar daddy, I could be like, do you want to. Would I say, do you want to shout? Do you want to have a shout? No, wait. I'm not trying to understand.
00:34:29:01 - 00:34:34:08
Bebe
If you're saying it. If you were saying it like that, you'd be like, do you want a shout for dinner?
00:34:34:10 - 00:34:42:00
Luna
Oh, okay. Okay. Would that be the flirty, like, like, invitation? Way to say it.
00:34:42:02 - 00:34:44:11
Bebe
I don't think I've ever used it in a flirty context.
00:34:44:13 - 00:34:57:03
Luna
I'm just noodling, but I'm like, you know, because I'm. I'm also practicing asking to receive, right? I've been so self-sufficient and so generous my whole life. That's kind of what my therapist is talking with me about of like, how can you ask for what you want? And I'm like, what.
00:34:57:05 - 00:34:59:18
Luna
Would you like to show? Yeah.
00:34:59:20 - 00:35:06:16
Luna
I think a lot of us. Yeah, it's but especially a lot of us in the modern world raised fem, you know.
00:35:06:18 - 00:35:08:00
Bebe
I'm the oldest of eight, so.
00:35:08:00 - 00:35:09:23
Luna
That really was the oldest. Oh, I was so curious.
00:35:09:23 - 00:35:11:10
Luna
Okay, great. I was waiting to find out. Okay.
00:35:11:15 - 00:35:12:22
Luna
Whoa.
00:35:13:00 - 00:35:15:00
Bebe
Looking into that one in a minute.
00:35:15:02 - 00:35:16:01
Luna
Yes. Yeah.
00:35:16:01 - 00:35:21:13
Bebe
The whole time. So we get into it like, But, yeah, this,
00:35:21:15 - 00:35:23:11
Luna
Heavy, shouting.
00:35:23:14 - 00:35:31:08
Bebe
Thing, shouting. Yeah, I guess you could do it in like a flirty, cheesy way. But if you know what the answer is.
00:35:31:09 - 00:35:32:03
Luna
Yeah. Like, if they're.
00:35:32:06 - 00:35:35:04
Luna
If they're a rich person or they have money or they need to.
00:35:35:04 - 00:35:37:19
Bebe
Like, like my shell or yours.
00:35:38:00 - 00:35:40:22
Luna
Yeah. You know, like, ooh, I love this. Yeah.
00:35:41:00 - 00:35:46:02
Bebe
Because I'm learning and kind of a and they'll be like, no, that's my shout. Don't worry. Like I.
00:35:46:04 - 00:35:48:00
Luna
Said.
00:35:48:02 - 00:35:51:09
Bebe
So that's kind of yeah, that's a bit of like fandom in there.
00:35:51:11 - 00:35:52:18
Luna
Yeah. Yeah. Get into it.
00:35:52:21 - 00:36:00:22
Luna
Is there where you would like specifically? Thanks. For shout like what I say thank you for the shout or like or is that, like, not colloquially.
00:36:01:01 - 00:36:01:22
Luna
It's not like we.
00:36:01:22 - 00:36:05:06
Bebe
Don't really do it. It's more like, oh, shout the next one.
00:36:05:08 - 00:36:06:00
Luna
Oh.
00:36:06:02 - 00:36:12:00
Luna
Okay. It's also very funny to me because it, it sounds so similar. Like it just my brain is hearing like.
00:36:12:02 - 00:36:12:07
Luna
Like.
00:36:12:07 - 00:36:16:02
Luna
There's a little there's a little shit in there. Yeah. Shit shout I don't shout.
00:36:16:04 - 00:36:18:15
Bebe
Just shout and the shout.
00:36:18:17 - 00:36:20:17
Luna
Shout I love that okay okay.
00:36:20:17 - 00:36:23:16
Luna
Sorry. I got totally distracted by shout.
00:36:23:18 - 00:36:27:05
Luna
That's okay. Yeah.
00:36:27:10 - 00:36:29:09
Bebe
So I can't remember. I was.
00:36:29:11 - 00:36:31:22
Luna
I was going to say you were telling. You were telling a story in which.
00:36:31:22 - 00:36:34:01
Luna
Shout came up. Yes.
00:36:34:03 - 00:36:52:11
Bebe
Food, love language. So even if I'm not up to cooking, I'll just buy the food, which is what I was doing. Right. But even if we're just going out for, like, it was like, don't worry about it, I'll pay because I would. I want to spend my time enjoying your company. Yeah. So the extra X amount of dollars doesn't matter so much to me.
00:36:52:11 - 00:36:53:00
Luna
Yeah.
00:36:53:02 - 00:36:56:15
Bebe
Like, which is why I'm terrible at saving money.
00:36:56:17 - 00:36:57:19
Luna
Where practicing.
00:36:57:19 - 00:37:09:00
Luna
Getting better at saving. And maybe as we practice getting better at inviting shouts, then we also can practice with our savings and our trade and the balance in the generosity.
00:37:09:02 - 00:37:09:19
Luna
Yeah.
00:37:09:21 - 00:37:33:21
Luna
I just I've I've gotten I've gotten more and more into that lately, but I used to always like demand to take the bill and I finally, you know, it's through sex work and getting to know other sex workers that they were like, excuse me, why? Also, especially when you were out with a gentleman who's in a higher income bracket and they're still, you know, we still make, what, $0.70 on the dollar it's different for depending on which demographic you're specifically part of where you are in the world.
00:37:33:21 - 00:37:54:13
Luna
But it's like that. Let the wage get at least let them bring food. And also, you know, let let the providing happen. Let them do the modern hunting, you know, if it's in that sort of dynamic. But also when I'm out with girlfriends, I love to just I mean, I'm not very me. I love to nerd. One of my favorite things ever is sharing food.
00:37:54:15 - 00:38:03:12
Luna
And I mean that in the literal way. Like if someone feeds me by I love sharing my food with other people, I will almost always like if someone is like, oh, what's that? I'll be like, have a bite of it. You know.
00:38:03:12 - 00:38:08:19
Luna
Like, you know, if I'm just like in a communal space, I do that as well. Giving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:08:21 - 00:38:14:21
Bebe
I think that's also the house I grew up in. We were always just if people were there and it was dinner time, there's enough for the.
00:38:14:23 - 00:38:16:22
Luna
Same, same symptom. Absolutely.
00:38:16:22 - 00:38:36:15
Bebe
So it just becomes part of the nature of it. I also weirdly, another odd love language is I have this. So I've always been the person who drives, I lived when I was 17, I lived in a little country town, and that was when I could have my provisional license, which means I could drive by myself. Amazing.
00:38:36:17 - 00:38:43:02
Bebe
Which was great because I wanted to go to school slightly later. Otherwise I had to get on the bus at, like, stupid clock in the morning. Yeah, yeah.
00:38:43:04 - 00:38:44:20
Luna
Yeah. So of course, once I.
00:38:44:20 - 00:38:46:20
Bebe
Could drive, I wanted to drive.
00:38:46:22 - 00:38:48:00
Luna
00:38:48:02 - 00:38:52:18
Bebe
So then because of that, I was always the person who's like,
00:38:52:20 - 00:38:53:13
Luna
Like, don't.
00:38:53:13 - 00:38:56:18
Bebe
Worry about getting a taxi or in Uber or whatever. I'll give you a lift.
00:38:56:18 - 00:39:01:04
Luna
Same, same. Especially because I'm sober, like, I don't I don't drink or do the drugs, you know, like I'm.
00:39:01:04 - 00:39:02:08
Luna
Yeah, yeah.
00:39:02:10 - 00:39:07:04
Bebe
And I wasn't necessarily sober, but I would if I was driving, I was staying sober.
00:39:07:08 - 00:39:08:22
Luna
That's what I think my. Yeah. Like.
00:39:09:00 - 00:39:12:13
Bebe
Yeah, if my car was there, of course I'm not going to be drinking.
00:39:12:18 - 00:39:14:17
Luna
Yeah, exactly.
00:39:14:19 - 00:39:18:10
Bebe
Because otherwise I'm stuck. And I have a big issue with being stuck in the same.
00:39:18:10 - 00:39:19:12
Luna
Yeah. I'm like, I.
00:39:19:12 - 00:39:20:08
Bebe
Just I hate that.
00:39:20:13 - 00:39:38:16
Luna
Also. Me too. And the times where I've, like, needed an Uber or needed a lift, I've had some real big snafus and I just don't. I've never had like creepy issues with with rideshare, but I'm just like, I want to have my autonomy. I want to leave exactly when I want to leave. I don't even really love valeting the car unless it's a place I know I can get it pretty fast.
00:39:38:18 - 00:39:56:13
Bebe
And I like. That's just my. And I very much agree. I think, you know, obviously it's different for everyone, but I find a lot of people who are in that sort of near spicy space, they often may like it's, it's protecting your own kind of sensory,
00:39:56:15 - 00:39:58:08
Luna
Oh, totally. Experiences.
00:39:58:14 - 00:40:00:14
Luna
It's too loud, I must leave.
00:40:00:16 - 00:40:00:19
Luna
Yeah.
00:40:01:00 - 00:40:09:06
Bebe
If suddenly the world is just too overwhelming. I am, like, having an option to leave it. Yeah, which I'm bad because I said, well, but like.
00:40:09:07 - 00:40:09:15
Luna
I if.
00:40:09:15 - 00:40:11:09
Bebe
Whatever space I'm in.
00:40:11:11 - 00:40:11:15
Luna
If.
00:40:11:15 - 00:40:15:18
Bebe
Whatever space I'm in gets too overwhelming. I like having that. Yeah. Ability to go.
00:40:15:20 - 00:40:19:19
Luna
And I like you love to be the chariot. I'm like my lady.
00:40:19:21 - 00:40:23:14
Luna
Yeah. Let me open the door for you. Oh yeah. And then I just like, have a solo.
00:40:23:14 - 00:40:31:10
Bebe
I was in the back. But that's a different issue. And honestly, it's because now I work in disability support. I serve people around me.
00:40:31:14 - 00:40:31:22
Luna
Okay.
00:40:31:22 - 00:40:38:05
Luna
So what are the job wise? What about giving and receiving love to yourself?
00:40:38:07 - 00:40:39:08
Luna
00:40:39:10 - 00:40:42:08
Bebe
So that one I have previously really struggled.
00:40:42:08 - 00:40:43:09
Luna
With.
00:40:43:11 - 00:40:46:23
Bebe
I think in the intro you mentioned diverse classes because I put that in.
00:40:46:23 - 00:40:48:11
Luna
There.
00:40:48:13 - 00:41:15:12
Bebe
But I spent a lot of time not liking myself, partially because of the body I was in, or sometimes it was because of how my brain thought, I still have moments where I get in that really negative headspace and like, I will it. I as I spiral because I do really quickly from like, you know, oh, I've made a small mistake to I'm terrible.
00:41:15:17 - 00:41:16:15
Luna
00:41:16:17 - 00:41:43:12
Bebe
Which is unfortunate, but I think I've had a lot of breakthroughs, especially with my body, lately, which has been really amazing. And I think a lot of that came from doing burlesque. So, yeah, that's been really fun. And I remember the first few, like, we do it in terms, because like, you know, there are classes that you can go do, which is really cool.
00:41:43:14 - 00:42:06:13
Bebe
And because of that, I got to do a couple of classes and they do an end of term showcase. And you, you're up there dancing with the rest of the class, and they have photos. And the first couple of terms that I did, the photos would come and I'd just get really downhearted and I would be really upset by how they look, because I had.
00:42:06:15 - 00:42:07:14
Luna
Like.
00:42:07:16 - 00:42:34:04
Bebe
This image in my head of what I looked like, and it wasn't how it what I saw in the photos, because I just wasn't as aware of my body as I could be. And, and I think part of that issue came through like so I've been places most of my life, most of my life, since I was a young teenager.
00:42:34:04 - 00:42:57:17
Bebe
And I, have had moments where obviously, like, like, fluctuates all over the place. I've lost weight, I've gained weight. But particularly I lost a lot of weight pre-COVID. Gained a lot back post Covid. And after I gained a lot of that back, I no longer knew what I looked like or how I moved. Yeah.
00:42:57:18 - 00:43:23:22
Bebe
And that was really, really hard. And I had to reconnect with my body. And I think that the whole face was a big part of that, because I think I do play validation from other people sometimes. And by allowing other people to see me in my nakedness and all of that, then I can start to see what other people see.
00:43:24:00 - 00:43:24:18
Luna
Yeah.
00:43:24:20 - 00:43:48:11
Bebe
And as well, like by posting those pictures that I wasn't necessarily in love with, to my Instagram, even though a lot of the people who were commenting are people who loved me. And at first I tried to. At first I tried to block out what they were saying because I was like, oh, they're just saying that because they love me.
00:43:48:12 - 00:43:52:07
Bebe
And then I was like, oh, maybe it's true and I can't see it.
00:43:52:09 - 00:43:53:19
Luna
00:43:53:21 - 00:43:57:10
Luna
Yeah, maybe they love you and it's true to you.
00:43:57:15 - 00:44:10:22
Bebe
Yeah. It can be to things not just. And I just had to start not, I had to start accepting compliments first. And I think that was really.
00:44:10:22 - 00:44:12:10
Luna
Hard.
00:44:12:12 - 00:44:22:18
Bebe
When you're in that space of like that sort of self detriment and also fearing that people are only saying nice things because they're trying to get something out of you.
00:44:22:19 - 00:44:24:00
Luna
00:44:24:02 - 00:44:47:01
Bebe
And, I think once I was able to move past that, that's when I could start to express my own self-love. And so now I do things like, yeah, I continued to post stuff on Instagram, and I have recently started doing like photoshoots. If they pop up, in the city I'm in, which is really fun. Even if it's, you know, just little like.
00:44:47:07 - 00:44:48:22
Luna
00:44:49:00 - 00:44:56:14
Bebe
TFT shoots and that sort of stuff because I'm not, you know, bringing in the big bucks.
00:44:56:16 - 00:44:57:15
Luna
But yeah.
00:44:57:15 - 00:44:58:10
Bebe
It's great to.
00:44:58:11 - 00:44:59:10
Luna
Just yet.
00:44:59:12 - 00:45:06:20
Bebe
I'm not seeing the big bucks yet. But one day I will, and it will be amazing. Just putting that up into the, you know.
00:45:06:21 - 00:45:17:07
Luna
Well, let's, let's if we're putting it out there, let's celebrate it in real time. I'm celebrating a new era in which you're making the biggest bucks per your heart's desire, doing things you love. You know, that's that's what we're practicing. Yeah.
00:45:17:09 - 00:45:30:11
Bebe
That is what I'm practicing. I'm so excited about it. Yeah, I'm getting to do these photoshoots, which is really cool. And then I get to see my self through the lens, which has been really helpful.
00:45:30:13 - 00:45:30:21
Luna
Yeah.
00:45:31:01 - 00:45:55:07
Bebe
And I think I mean, you know, you've been photographer. You've, you understand what it's like to see your body through that space and how it's not necessarily how they see themself. It's I mean, usually the question I could like pass to you there, but is there have you had those moments where people get those photos and just have like, you know, breakthroughs of understanding themself?
00:45:55:12 - 00:45:58:05
Luna
It's the reason I can't quit photography.
00:45:58:05 - 00:46:18:00
Luna
I keep trying, I'm like, I should be. Do I need to focus more on the podcast, should be monetizing the I. I love, I love looking at people. I love showing them how beautiful they are. And I do not mean this in a like go post. Who's on Instagram because now people are going to like you. I don't mean that.
00:46:18:00 - 00:46:43:19
Luna
And I specifically don't shoot weddings for that reason, right? Like I, I really, really am viscerally in my heart against something that only has the exterior. When I take pictures of people, what I really am doing is feeling into their energy. So I also, I also always work better if I have a goal from them, right? Even if the goal is I want to feel good in my body, I want to explore, you know, my background was as a portrait photographer.
00:46:43:19 - 00:47:06:21
Luna
Well, my background background is I took a lot of pictures of plants as a child, like plants, nature, tourist, very toys. But but then working with people, basically what I do is line up the energetics of feeling, of my experience, of them with their goals, and I shoot until they are aligned for me and I don't. I don't really know what that like.
00:47:06:22 - 00:47:27:17
Luna
That's kind of like an esoteric way of describing it. But the experience is most of the time people are able to be like, whoa, that's me. And then there also are other times where if there's a certain block, like I can only meet people where they are, right? And for some people, any sort of visual stimulation of themselves is still incredibly activating.
00:47:27:19 - 00:47:51:06
Luna
But most of the time I have the experience of, you know, showing people a side or a version or a feeling of themselves that they are not able to access because they are so practiced at looking through their own lens or mirror or window or whatever metaphor you want to use, or a literal, literal description. Yeah. But it's it's my favorite.
00:47:51:07 - 00:48:15:06
Bebe
Yeah. It's it's interesting, you say, like viewing themselves through the lens that they've kind of always seen it because that's how I could see myself. Yeah. Right. So I spent a lot of time, you know, if I was because I've definitely done that, sent needs to people, I would spend so much time posing my body in ways so that the fact that I was fat was less obvious.
00:48:15:08 - 00:48:41:06
Bebe
And I said that not the term that is fine, but like, it doesn't. I don't see that as a bad word or anything. I just think that, yeah, like people need to get over that. That's just a personal one there. But I think I spent a lot of time, you know, posing so that you could only see the boobs or my body or without seeing my stomach, because that was always the part of my body that I didn't like.
00:48:41:08 - 00:49:04:02
Bebe
And then getting to do these photoshoots where a lot of the time it's a large portion of my body, which includes my stomach, has given me a new perspective on it. And I think like I've only done a couple at the moment, which is, you know, it's super exciting that this is just the beginning of that journey.
00:49:04:04 - 00:49:23:14
Bebe
But I am really excited to see where that goes, because all of a sudden I'm seeing myself through their eyes and whether it's, you know, sometimes it's a shoot that they've kind of got vaguely planned in their head, but then we see where it goes. That's kind of the energy that seems to be brought into it, which is great.
00:49:23:16 - 00:49:36:20
Bebe
And I'm really enjoying that process. And then getting those photos back, like I was like, oh yeah, we're going to save some so that I can post them at various times because I don't know what works because then I'm going to have to get more.
00:49:36:22 - 00:49:38:12
Luna
Yeah, but I just did because I'm so.
00:49:38:12 - 00:49:57:07
Bebe
Excited about it. I was like, oh my God. Like, yes, I can see all my curves and my rolls and every piece of me, you know, the stretch marks, the the pimples, the freckles, the all of it. And I love it. And that was insane to me.
00:49:57:09 - 00:49:59:01
Luna
That's beautiful.
00:49:59:03 - 00:50:06:09
Bebe
Yeah. So that was a big one for me, is putting myself in those spaces where I'm like, I love being naked.
00:50:06:11 - 00:50:07:12
Luna
It's something.
00:50:07:14 - 00:50:12:03
Bebe
I just I was like, can I just have more friends that actually with me hanging out with them naked because I.
00:50:12:03 - 00:50:13:19
Luna
Just. Yeah, like, it.
00:50:13:19 - 00:50:16:10
Bebe
Doesn't have to be sexual. I just don't want to wear clothes.
00:50:16:13 - 00:50:17:09
Luna
The same way.
00:50:17:11 - 00:50:26:01
Luna
And we can have a towel. Or usually I have, like, a robe that I'm sitting on or whatever. Actually, I've been a naked catalyst for a lot of my friends and then they get more comfy. Oh, wait, are you in a robe too?
00:50:26:07 - 00:50:28:02
Bebe
I'm wearing my robe right now.
00:50:28:03 - 00:50:29:17
Luna
Wait, we're both in robe?
00:50:29:19 - 00:50:33:18
Luna
Yeah, I am wearing shorts, just so you know. But yes, I'm.
00:50:33:20 - 00:50:39:04
Bebe
I'm not.
00:50:39:06 - 00:50:51:23
Luna
I don't look as. I have a short. I have a short robe on. And because I'm always afraid that, like, sometimes, sometimes I have to squiggle out of my little, like, cockpit here, you know, where I'm recording, and I'm like, I don't want to flash someone if, you know, if necessary.
00:50:52:01 - 00:50:55:08
Luna
I love the robe fringe. We're going to be naked real quick.
00:50:55:09 - 00:51:13:16
Luna
I mean, the future retreats that will be hosted, we'll have elements of nakedness and photography and nakedness tomorrow. Degrees. Comfy, right? But I'm like, I want to wake up, have some coffee, get together in a circle, talk about our feelings for the day, or read a poetry or, you know, whatever, whatever. This is kind of sparking and then go off into our creative pursuits.
00:51:13:16 - 00:51:17:09
Luna
Re reconnect for lunch. Like I'll take pictures of whoever you know.
00:51:17:11 - 00:51:18:03
Luna
But.
00:51:18:05 - 00:51:26:09
Luna
I know I'm just like, I don't mean for me someone to would it work for investors? I need someone to show my future retreat.
00:51:26:11 - 00:51:32:01
Luna
In a way, yes. Yeah. I'm trying to figure it out. That's that's that's it.
00:51:32:02 - 00:51:33:00
Luna
That's your job.
00:51:33:02 - 00:51:36:14
Luna
Yeah. Yeah.
00:51:36:16 - 00:51:45:03
Luna
I want to hear what is your favorite way right now to spread ripples of love in the world.
00:51:45:05 - 00:51:54:15
Bebe
It's funny links to the last one. So I'm trying to share my own experiences with loving myself.
00:51:54:17 - 00:51:58:04
Luna
You are literally doing it. You're not trying. It's happening right now.
00:51:58:10 - 00:52:01:03
Bebe
I am. I am starting to do it, but I want to do it more.
00:52:01:05 - 00:52:02:15
Luna
You're practicing so much more.
00:52:02:19 - 00:52:33:06
Bebe
I'm practicing and I'm getting better at it every day, and it's great. And I'm really excited to just keep doing that and put more of it in the world. Beautiful. So, you know, sometimes that's writing poetry. I recently, and like I say, I post it on my Instagram because that's just where, you know, if anyone wants to go look at it, they can, but I recently posted an image that was, you know, a the side of my body that I took, and I wrote this poem about being my own muse on it.
00:52:33:07 - 00:52:34:11
Bebe
And like.
00:52:34:13 - 00:52:37:08
Luna
I love it.
00:52:37:10 - 00:53:03:12
Bebe
So I just want to put that into the world. I want to put elements of body positivity and creativity and love and foster that space of self-love. It's actually. Yeah. And I think, you know, like, I am still learning it myself. And I think that it's always going to be a journey because I've spent so long not doing it and not practicing it.
00:53:03:18 - 00:53:30:18
Bebe
So getting to do it more and more all the time is fantastic and exciting, and I hope that by doing that and by sharing that process, other people are able to do that as well, because at the end of the day, that's how I started to recognize these things in myself. I was seeing other plus size burlesque performers and I was like, oh my God, they look amazing.
00:53:30:18 - 00:53:45:12
Bebe
They look incredible. What? I kind of look like that. So like, if I think that they look amazing and incredible and they're such a fierce performer, and the way that they move on stage is beautiful.
00:53:45:17 - 00:53:46:16
Luna
00:53:46:18 - 00:54:09:21
Bebe
Why wouldn't I think that about myself? And it really showed me that the issue is not what I look like, but was my mental health and not my my own personal views of myself, which has nothing to do with actually how I look. Yeah. And it's a much sometimes almost like a, you know, it's an equally hard process to work through.
00:54:09:23 - 00:54:30:00
Bebe
As you know, I could, you know, attempting to lose weight. I've done it many, many times and I've been successful. Sometimes it was successful other times. But at the end of the day, that doesn't actually change how I feel at my smallest, I've been as an adult. I still didn't think it was enough. You know, when I was at my littlest, I was like.
00:54:30:02 - 00:54:31:00
Luna
00:54:31:02 - 00:54:55:04
Bebe
I need to keep losing weight and plateaued and I was like, that's unacceptable. You need to eat less. You need to work harder. You need to go to the gym more often. And it just wasn't healthy. I was I wasn't seeing my friends very often because I couldn't let myself go out to eat, you know, like, all of a sudden, I, I because I was monitoring every calorie I was putting into my body.
00:54:55:06 - 00:55:23:15
Bebe
And if it was too many and that's in a place, if it was too many, then I wasn't good enough, or I needed to eat less the next day or anything like that. And that's just not a healthy way to live. And it's not a joyful way to live. And I have found that moving into this other space, joy and feeling content in my own self is far more important.
00:55:23:17 - 00:55:27:02
Bebe
I think I have to start there and that's why I have.
00:55:27:04 - 00:55:28:07
Luna
Yeah, yeah.
00:55:28:09 - 00:55:51:04
Luna
I mean, it sounds like you really are, and I relate to being on my own version of that same journey. I think it's so interesting to live in. I'll tell you my experience, so you can tell me what you think of it. But like, I feel like this world is like, okay, you have to be really different to be special and stand up, but you also have to be different in a way that is appropriate and acceptable.
00:55:51:04 - 00:56:12:02
Luna
So don't be too different. And if you are different, we will sort of destroy you. Or look at you funny or yell at you or explode, you know, like there's all of these confusing things that that lead us to judge ourselves in these wildly creative ways. Like every time, basically, when I hear self-judgment stories or when I kind of notice my my own, I'm like, you are so creative.
00:56:12:02 - 00:56:34:16
Luna
You know, like all of the all of the shit that I tell myself for all of the like, even my own struggles with, with self and self-love and all of those things of feeling not good enough, whatever reason I make up for it, I'm like, well, this mind is a very powerful storytelling machine. And that's, you know, that's why I call it sex stories or ex stories or love stories or whatever kinds of stories, because it's our storytelling of the experience that we're having in life.
00:56:34:20 - 00:56:59:14
Luna
And it is confusing for people because they think that I'm doing erotica and I'm like, no, it's not that. Please stop censoring recipes. Some personal, personal interviews. But yeah, that's that's it's a it's a whole bunch of mixture messages. And so I think the more that you that I, that all of us put ourselves out there to celebrate ourselves as we are right now to the degree that it's safe for us, and then see how that grows is just fucking beautiful.
00:56:59:16 - 00:57:01:19
Luna
I yeah, I do really love that.
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