Deep throat, anal, threesomes, and a Colosseum blowjob—Susanne shares how she went from faking orgasms and self-abandonment to reclaiming her body, desire, and kinky power in a new relationship that centers her pleasure.

📈 STATS | 47 heteroflexible cis femme from Denmark in a new relationship that’s a few weeks old.

Susanne’s update from December 2022 | Sex, Coffee, Repeat

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00:00:00:05 - 00:00:20:04

Luna

Our guest today is a 47 year old hetero flexible system who is in a new relationship the few weeks old, and she is into deep throat, anal and Bdsm specifically being dominated so she doesn't have to think, impact, play, touch, and a bit of degradation. She's a team leader who works in sales from Denmark. Welcome, Susanne.

00:00:20:06 - 00:00:20:22

Susanne

Thank you.

00:00:21:02 - 00:00:30:00

Luna

Can you start off by telling us if you had to rate yourself on a sexual shame meter, with ten being the most full of shame and one being not so shaming? Where do you fall today? Right now?

00:00:30:02 - 00:00:31:00

Susanne

At one.

00:00:31:02 - 00:00:33:03

Luna

Okay, can you say a few words about why.

00:00:33:05 - 00:00:46:09

Susanne

I have learned so much about myself for the last year or so? And I know what I want, and I know what I wear when I go and I'm not ashamed of being who I am anymore. So I am exactly where I want to be.

00:00:46:11 - 00:00:55:14

Luna

I love that answer, and I can't wait to hear the details that got you there. Also, I think I'm in my own new. I mean, I guess it's always, I mean, my own new version of, like.

00:00:55:16 - 00:00:57:06

Susanne

I don't have all of my parts, okay?

00:00:57:07 - 00:01:07:07

Luna

And it's like fucking impressive and liberating. So I can't wait to hear yours. Okay. Can you tell us not the full story, but the overview of what your sex life is like right now in this one millimeter life?

00:01:07:09 - 00:01:31:21

Susanne

I can tell what I want, what I like, and I have a partner who wants to know, that's the best part of it, I think. And I've been working through a period of time where I have to get to know myself all over again. After my divorce last year. So I have had a really crazy six months up until now, where I have explored everything I could and I know what I want.

00:01:31:23 - 00:01:33:15

Susanne

That's where I am. I love it.

00:01:33:17 - 00:01:36:08

Luna

What's your favorite part of your sex life right now?

00:01:36:10 - 00:01:48:13

Susanne

I can let go. I can just be me. Let go. Don't think and express myself. I express what I want and be who I am and see the joy from my partner doing that. And that is amazing.

00:01:48:15 - 00:01:52:13

Luna

That is amazing. What is sexy to you?

00:01:52:15 - 00:02:11:19

Susanne

I feel sexy when I can see my partner, look at me and get excited that I feel sexy. I do that a lot actually. Good eye. Sexy to me is also when I can touch him in other streets. Just give him a little touch and let him know that I like him and I want him. Oh, that's actually love that.

00:02:11:21 - 00:02:17:22

Luna

Can you tell us what your definition of sex is like when you're like, oh, I had sex last night. What does that mean to you?

00:02:18:00 - 00:02:24:21

Susanne

The good sex is with, which is what I have a lot of right now. Let's celebrate. Yeah.

00:02:24:22 - 00:02:28:17

Luna

Celebrating all sex. But just celebrating that you're having good sex. Amazing.

00:02:28:23 - 00:02:40:09

Susanne

I am, and what I said before I can let go, I can just be me. And that is when I feel I have the sex that is giving me something extraordinary every. Every time.

00:02:40:11 - 00:02:57:05

Luna

Tangibly speaking, is it penis and vagina? Is it fingers? Is it penetration? Is it any sort of kissing? Is it any sort of erotic energy? Like lately it's been coming up a lot in my personal life that people are like, well, how do you define sex? You know? And so I realized I kind of stopped asking this question specifically.

00:02:57:05 - 00:03:19:18

Susanne

Yes, the penetrative sex is what I, let's say, always go for it, because that's where I really kind of let go. But up to that, I liked all of it. Touch his fingers. The sexual energy building up all day. All right. Preparing myself for it. He's preparing. I we can talk about it. All of it. I want all of it.

00:03:19:20 - 00:03:29:21

Susanne

But especially the fingers and the penetrative sex also, also oral sex. I didn't like that before. I love it now. Okay, cool.

00:03:29:21 - 00:03:38:16

Luna

Oh my gosh, I can't wait for details. Did you ever get an explicit health and safety conversation growing up and or a conversation about consent?

00:03:38:18 - 00:03:57:00

Susanne

No. Okay. Never. Which my story will tell you. But we did have sex education in school. I did have a no. I did not have a conversation. My mother spoke to me when I was 15 and it was too late. 15 was too late. She should have done it. Yes. Before that. But no, not about consent at all.

00:03:57:01 - 00:03:58:05

Susanne

Never.

00:03:58:06 - 00:04:09:07

Luna

As an adult, do you have any examples of a time where you said or received a very clear yes for something that was extremely sexy, that created an awesome experience for you?

00:04:09:09 - 00:04:29:08

Susanne

In my marriage, we did some exploring together, and we did have this consent between us to do things. After I think about 8 or 9 years of marriage, we needed to shake things a little bit up. So we talked about having threesomes and foursomes and we did that. It was very important for us that it was something we did together.

00:04:29:08 - 00:04:50:06

Susanne

We were not swapping. I was not going with another man in another room and he was not going with a woman. We were doing it together. We had eye contact. We did this together and that was this close consent. I think this is an experience we have together to make something to spice up our lives, spice up the sex life, but also to do something else.

00:04:50:08 - 00:05:09:13

Susanne

When you're married, you know, you sometimes fall into this everyday life. Things are the same. So we did that to to do something else. Was it the right time to do it? I don't know, but we did it and it was fun and and we had some experience. I think what I'm doing today was planted at that time, I think.

00:05:09:15 - 00:05:23:02

Luna

Cool. Thank you for sharing that. So now tell us what happens to your meter when it's time for you to talk to a partner, especially if it's a new partner about safer sex? And what would your ideal version of those conversations look like?

00:05:23:02 - 00:05:50:13

Susanne

Yes, my ideal version. I don't know if it's old fashioned, but I would like my partner, the male, to bring up the topic. Unfortunately, in these last 6 or 7 months where I have explored my sex life and have had multiple partners, not one did that. Not one. And I have listened to your podcast a lot, and you talk about this a lot, and I have been wondering why, why is this?

00:05:50:15 - 00:05:57:20

Susanne

And when I brought it up, oh yes, of course we have to talk about that. But I'm not sick. No, but you don't know if I am. Yes.

00:05:57:23 - 00:06:08:06

Luna

Oh, exactly. I'm so glad you said that. Especially as you're a submissive. Like I am looking for a Dom. I would like someone to lead a conversation so that I can know I'm safe. That's the whole point of looking for.

00:06:08:06 - 00:06:32:04

Susanne

Exactly. So I have been somewhat ashamed. Not of me, but of how? That I don't know if you know what it is, but they don't talk about it. And when I bring it up that. Okay, okay, you can bring a condom. Okay. I can bring the commercial back. What size do you want? So but before my divorce, before my at my marriage, I would never, ever have brought up this topic.

00:06:32:04 - 00:06:49:20

Susanne

Never. I just had unsafe sex. If that's what it was, I would never have said anything. But now, every time I brought it up, I'm cheering you on. Yeah, I did that, but I'm a little bit shocked. But nobody else did at all. Not one.

00:06:49:22 - 00:06:58:04

Luna

I really relate to that shock, and I'm sorry to hear that you are having that experience, and I really hope that we can just do something different. I don't, I don't.

00:06:58:04 - 00:07:17:12

Susanne

Know, I also especially because when I was talking to men about this, I have been very clear that this is a state. This is not a boyfriend or girlfriend. This is a state. I want to do this. I want to learn this, I want to do you want that? And we had very good conversation, very good connection. I'm not jumping into bed if I don't feel the connection.

00:07:17:12 - 00:07:37:01

Susanne

I know you cannot feel everything online, but you can have a sense of what kind of people it is, and some of them have been just too much. So that goes to me. Or when I get to talk about this, doesn't that? I don't think so. I just why this is sex. We need to we need to protect ourself.

00:07:37:01 - 00:07:39:00

Susanne

So I don't get it. I just don't get it.

00:07:39:02 - 00:07:50:20

Luna

I think it's fear. I think it's shame. I think it's judgment. I think it's a lot of also people just in my own personal things are my personal. I noodle on it a lot. I'm like, what is it? I think I've just scared the shit out of a lot of people by being a horny.

00:07:50:20 - 00:07:55:18

Susanne

Me too. That's me. You. I am sure of it.

00:07:55:19 - 00:08:10:04

Luna

Okay, so take us back to your early years before you became a scary, scary woman who is in touch with exactly what she wanted sexually. What was your first sex related memory? What do you remember thinking and feeling growing up?

00:08:10:06 - 00:08:36:02

Susanne

Well, I have since I was very young, knowing that I had a body, that I could touch it in ways that felt good, and I didn't know it was sex. I didn't know it was sexual. But I remember masturbating when I was in my one friend's garage and four years, four years old. I showed him how to do it because this feels nice.

00:08:36:06 - 00:08:57:03

Susanne

He couldn't do it, has a penis, so he couldn't do it the way I did it. I just wanted to show him this is good. I didn't know what it was. Of course, later on I remember playing with other kids mattresses pushing down on me as a boy on top and the pressure. And now I can relate to that being held down.

00:08:57:05 - 00:09:15:17

Susanne

Why I like it. All right. It at that time I knew this is this is something that feels good is not until now I know what it is and go for it. But I think that's what set off this very curious person I always have been. Yeah.

00:09:15:19 - 00:09:23:23

Luna

Do you feel like, you know, when you finally started to actually, like, really understand, like sex as boys and girls? Did you have any awareness of that before sex ed in school?

00:09:24:01 - 00:09:43:06

Susanne

Before sex ed, I'm sure. I think we could borrow some books on the library at school. And there was one book that every kid wanted, and it was always it was so difficult to get to. But I had it a few times and there was this pictures I have been at, I don't know, seven, eight, nine. I knew what it was.

00:09:43:06 - 00:10:10:18

Susanne

I knew this is this is what I want at the time already. So when I hit puberty, I got very impatient. I just wanted it so bad. Yeah, I was one of the bad girls. I was one of those girls who just always went to the boys smoking, drinking early. It just wanted to be beware. The party was also led to some very bad memories, but I was curious, I was impatient, I wanted to explore it at the time also.

00:10:10:19 - 00:10:15:08

Susanne

That was a little bit more dangerous at that time of thinking, but that's what I did.

00:10:15:10 - 00:10:25:15

Luna

Okay, before you got to exploring partners, it sounds like I'm curious to hear about your girl streak. Do you identify as a bad girl now? First of all, no.

00:10:25:17 - 00:10:29:16

Susanne

I'm a bit slutty, but I'm not a bad girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:29:16 - 00:10:37:17

Luna

Selective slut. When did you start to discover your own body beyond the mattresses? Like, when did you start masturbating and touching your private parts and feeling good in that way?

00:10:37:22 - 00:10:42:01

Susanne

The masturbating started, as I said, when I was about about four, four years old.

00:10:42:01 - 00:10:44:21

Luna

I think that was us. That really was like, touching that.

00:10:44:21 - 00:11:02:19

Susanne

Okay, cool that I was touching. Also, you can call it dry humping. You know, I'm not that close, but I think I was I was about ten, 11, 12 maybe when I did it directly on my private parts and find out there was a hole. Oh, that was exciting.

00:11:02:21 - 00:11:16:00

Luna

This is such a specific question. I was like a 12 year old. It was like trying to find the hole for the tampon and like yes, I just couldn't find it. Did you just like get wet and discover it because I couldn't for a while, like I was 14 before I finally did.

00:11:16:01 - 00:11:37:09

Susanne

My best option was I'm not that flexible anymore. It was flat hand on top of clitoris. I was on my stomach, legs up like a frog, flat hand on clitoris. So my fingers was around my vagina. So just one day I figured it out. Okay, there's a hole. I didn't get my period at the time, so it was before that.

00:11:37:09 - 00:11:45:08

Susanne

I just remember thinking, oh, what is that where the poop comes out or what is that? It wasn't obviously.

00:11:45:10 - 00:11:46:02

Luna

You don't know till, you.

00:11:46:02 - 00:12:09:10

Susanne

Know. And then some of the pictures in the book made sense. And also at that time, I started in my life early on by having attention issues. When my sister was born, around my four years of birthday, my parents took off me. I think, I don't blame them today, but they forgot they had another child, so I was craving attention.

00:12:09:13 - 00:12:30:00

Susanne

Yeah, in very unhealthy ways. And when I hit puberty and found out that I could use my body to get the attention, that's where a very bad circle started for me. So I began using that also, back to the bad girl thing, where I wanted to basically get laid because that's what everybody was talking about, and I wanted that.

00:12:30:02 - 00:12:55:20

Susanne

And when that happened for the first time with the most awful, awful situation ever. But I did it. I was happy, okay, now I can move on. And so I just took every opportunity to do it. So it was not good for me at all. But looking back, yes, I learned a lot about myself at that point where things are going, what it feels like, what to do with what you know.

00:12:55:22 - 00:12:59:19

Susanne

So of course I learned a lot, but but it was not a good way at all.

00:12:59:21 - 00:13:05:09

Luna

Does it feel useful to share any details of that experience, and was that your very first partner experience?

00:13:05:11 - 00:13:24:12

Susanne

The very first partner experience? I was I was 13 and it was not very good at all. I couldn't feel him at all. So I didn't think he was inside, but he was and it was over. And I think what, what I thought that. But yes, I would share it because this attention issue is very important for my story and how I evolved.

00:13:24:18 - 00:13:49:06

Susanne

Basically, as I said, when I hit puberty, I began to use this when I was 15, 16 or 17. I oh my God, I had no boyfriends. Yes, I had reference two weeks, three weeks, four days or something like that, but always I'm always going for the funny one, because when I had a pop of yes, and then I felt love, so that was what I was craving.

00:13:49:08 - 00:14:12:00

Susanne

At 18, I moved away from home and then it exploded badly. So I think I was just an inch from a sex addiction because in my mind, the attention, the sex was love. Okay, so it was one, two, three, four, five a week. The more I could have, the better. But all I really wanted was the one person to stay, to come again.

00:14:12:00 - 00:14:36:00

Susanne

But they never did, obviously. So I used myself in a very bad way and it affected me later in life. I had mental breakdowns, depression. I know it comes from that, but I didn't know at the time I. I was just craving the attention, craving, the love, craving. The church is craving everything, and what I was think I was showing was an easy girl, slutty girl everybody could get in touch with.

00:14:36:00 - 00:15:09:13

Susanne

Everybody could get laid with me. So I didn't get what I want. But I kept trying and it broke me completely. So 2 or 3 years in this heavily abuse of sex, of attention, I ran away. I moved to Norway. Okay. And, just ran away from everything. And it kind of helped, actually, I knew that it was something I had to face at one point, but I had to get away, and I know I did it to myself, but it was it was horrible.

00:15:09:13 - 00:15:33:18

Susanne

So I ran away for about a year, came back and felt more adults somehow started to take care of myself. I had, I think, two long term relationships after that and just, this is what I want. I just want this. I want a family, I want love, I want kids, I want everything. And then I met my husband, we were together for almost 20 years.

00:15:33:18 - 00:15:53:01

Susanne

We just got divorced this past last year. So I met him, and I just fell at peace for the first time in my life because he could give me. He wanted to give me. Yeah, he wanted to stay and he wanted to give me all that I wanted. So that's where I just, now I can relax, okay?

00:15:53:03 - 00:15:58:15

Susanne

But all that I call a trauma because it was the way I abused myself.

00:15:58:17 - 00:16:02:17

Luna

Well, I also want to be really curious about that for a minute, if you're up for it.

00:16:02:19 - 00:16:04:00

Susanne

Okay. Of course.

00:16:04:01 - 00:16:21:02

Luna

Because of course, it's very valid and necessary that we all, as humans, need attention and touch. And the part that I really want to get curious about with your experience is I hear you saying these things where you describe it as self-abuse. Does that feel accurate? Yes.

00:16:21:02 - 00:16:22:00

Susanne

Okay. Yes it is.

00:16:22:00 - 00:16:37:23

Luna

That's when and just just like needing to get this need met in this way that you didn't have better tools, was there pleasure in it or was it like, did it feel more like hits of a drug like, can you describe for us kind of like the texture of the sexual experiences you were having?

00:16:38:00 - 00:16:56:19

Susanne

It was a drug, no doubt about that. I felt good having sex, but the sex was not for my pleasure. That was for his every time I just did it. Because if he wants to have sex me, then he must like me. So when he went off, didn't see him again. Call him. He didn't answer. Okay. Next.

00:16:56:21 - 00:17:28:12

Susanne

Next. Always the next. Because I wanted that so much. And I've gone through a lot of therapy afterwards. And I remember talking about every guy taking a little bit of piece of my heart with it every time. So I was broken in the end. So it was a drug. And I have talked to a sex therapist I have known for a while, and she also had, when she was young, a sex addiction, and mine was not as cruel as hers, but it was the same thing we went for.

00:17:28:14 - 00:17:36:06

Susanne

It was the addiction of I need someone to touch me. I need someone to like me. Just if it's just for an hour. Yeah. Wow.

00:17:36:07 - 00:17:44:15

Luna

I'm just curious if in that time, was there any space for Self-pleasure? No. Did that exist or was it not on your radar? No. Okay.

00:17:44:17 - 00:18:05:01

Susanne

Yes, I think I masturbated, but I actually I don't remember doing it much when I was younger until I'm away from home. I did masturbate every day. I remember that also because I did it before I sleep. Then you get so tired and oh, this is good and then you can sleep. So I did it like a sleeping pill.

00:18:05:07 - 00:18:24:00

Susanne

Actually. Oh, okay. So was a pleasure. Yes, but that's not why I did it. And I think I used the masturbation in that period of time where I was abusing myself in the same way. It was not for the pleasure, I think. I actually don't remember that. I've thought about that.

00:18:24:02 - 00:18:29:22

Luna

Yeah. No, that's totally fair. There's lots of stuff now that I'm like, do I remember? I just remember my current feeling about that.

00:18:29:23 - 00:18:30:22

Susanne

Yeah.

00:18:31:00 - 00:18:38:22

Luna

Who can say so is there anything else actually to say about that period of time before you met your husband or you ready to transition to that moment?

00:18:39:00 - 00:18:56:21

Susanne

The one thing I think I should mention is, I'm trying to say this out loud because it's very, very vulnerable things to say. But I have said it sometimes a few times now to people very close to me. And the craving for attention when I was about 1011 was so intense I couldn't use my body at that point.

00:18:56:21 - 00:19:08:06

Susanne

I was too young, but the craving for attention was so extreme that I, without thinking, faked. You know, the appendix, when you think that I get infected, I don't know what it is, I don't know.

00:19:08:06 - 00:19:11:19

Luna

What is it? What is it? You have to get your appendix out. Appendicitis?

00:19:11:21 - 00:19:37:06

Susanne

Yes, exactly. I think that got to the hospital in that time. They opened up, looked at it. Oh it's not. That's nothing wrong with it. Took it out anyway. That's okay. We don't need it. But I woke up at the hospital and got flowers and letters from my classmates and food and parents were there. My parents were there, and I got the attention and I thought, okay, it worked.

00:19:37:08 - 00:19:56:21

Susanne

So I had the feeling that if I get to the hospital, I get the attention. I never did it again because I was very shameful that I faked. I never told anybody I faked until I was about 4 or 5 or something like that. But what I actually mostly shocked about is that you take a ten year old or 11 at the hospital.

00:19:56:21 - 00:20:16:23

Susanne

Oh no, that's not nothing. Wrong hook up, put to put her back together, stitch her up, send her home. You're good. You're fine. No. Just not. What's wrong with them? Yes. So? So why didn't nobody ask any questions about that? Not even my parents. So that's what I'm thinking now. Why did somebody say, how are you doing to me?

00:20:17:00 - 00:20:20:01

Susanne

Yeah, but that's okay. Now I'm over that.

00:20:20:03 - 00:20:26:17

Luna

It's the silent generation that is not. They just want things to be fine and good and.

00:20:26:17 - 00:20:27:17

Susanne

Yes. And then.

00:20:27:17 - 00:20:28:18

Luna

Yeah.

00:20:28:19 - 00:20:36:06

Susanne

So that's just because for me, that shows how intense that the craving for attention was at the time. Yeah.

00:20:36:08 - 00:20:49:11

Luna

And I do actually want to circle back to the conversation. We're not a conversation. The talk that your mom gave at you when you were 15 and it was already too late, did that color your experience of your own sex life? Like what was relevant from that for your formation?

00:20:49:11 - 00:21:09:23

Susanne

No. Okay. Actually nothing. She just told me, no, you can't do it. You're 15 is okay. It's not legal anymore. Protect yourself. And you. That didn't do it. But I knew that she was a bit drunk. It was late. I have been out with my friends drinking some beer. She has been out. So it was not something I could use at all.

00:21:09:23 - 00:21:23:16

Susanne

But somehow I think I'm glad she did it. She showed me again. She saw me. She she knew that I was 15 now. She didn't forget me. So I saw it like, okay, she's giving me some attention now. So. So in that way I, I like it that I did it.

00:21:23:18 - 00:21:42:02

Luna

Okay. So can you speed us up to. I guess we're late 20s now. So you have met the man that you are going to marry for the next couple of decades. How did you let your nervous system settle into all of that kind of like, abandonment stuff and then like, there's a person that's not leaving, and now you could fuck.

00:21:42:02 - 00:22:01:16

Susanne

Fucking for a while. I don't know, I don't know. Okay? When our relationship was about three months old, I was about to run away screaming because it felt so real that he wants me. He wants to marry me. I already at that point, we were talking marriage. We're talking kids and I. Okay, I can't actually get this right now.

00:22:01:18 - 00:22:22:11

Susanne

So I was am I going to run away? Do I want this to I really want this. And he just we had a talk and yes, of course I wanted it looking back, I can sometimes doubt my motivation to marry him because yes, I was all into him. Did I love him? Yes. I love the life we built.

00:22:22:11 - 00:22:36:05

Susanne

I love everything he gave me. I love him for that. But was I in love with him or could it just give me what I wanted and he was not going anywhere? Is that why I did it? I actually don't know today.

00:22:36:09 - 00:22:38:16

Luna

Isn't that a great question about love two?

00:22:38:18 - 00:22:54:23

Susanne

Yes it is, but because of my history, I'm doubting that I'm not dating him at all. I am doubting myself. But in the context of everything I know now that I would not have been without. And I love everything he gave me. Yeah, beautiful.

00:22:55:01 - 00:23:12:01

Luna

You know, when I was in my 20s, what did I know about love? What do I know about it? Now we're just making decisions with the best tools we have for that moment. And hindsight is really interesting to help each other learn. I think. What was it like to now have a regular sexual partner? Had you explored anything at this point?

00:23:12:01 - 00:23:17:04

Luna

Like what was your sexual landscape like? What shifted? Tell us. Give us the details.

00:23:17:06 - 00:23:27:07

Susanne

At that point, nothing. It was pure vanilla. No that's okay. Not not a problem. But looking today it. No not for I wouldn't say boring, but but wouldn't wait.

00:23:27:07 - 00:23:45:04

Luna

I actually want to interrupt you to ask this question. This is a on purpose interruption. I've noticed sometimes when I get comments from vanilla listeners who are upset that I'm saying the word vanilla, and I actually had a discussion yesterday with a close friend who's like, well, vanilla is inherently kind of rude because it's saying that it's plain and I'm like, no, I like vanilla.

00:23:45:05 - 00:24:00:03

Luna

And it was a great flavor. I add vanilla to my smoothies, vanilla is a fine spice. Like, it's it's yeah. It's amazing. What do you mean? And to me, I like vanilla sex. Like when I get people that are like, you hate vanilla people. I'm like, if I'm having vanilla sex, I just want it to be slow and sensual.

00:24:00:05 - 00:24:19:11

Luna

Where I see a problem is oftentimes using vanilla as a shorthand for unconscious. And I think there is a lot of overlap in yes, there is something is the norm. You don't have to examine what you want, whereas queer people have to be like, let's make this up. Or kinky people have to be like, let's talk about it.

00:24:19:13 - 00:24:24:22

Luna

So for me, I think about my early vanilla sex, and it was just like a lot of unconscious stuff. Do you see a difference?

00:24:25:00 - 00:24:40:09

Susanne

Yes, I do, and I think it was a bad way to say it was boring because it was not. It was. But at that point I was also kinky, but I just didn't know what to do about it. And we didn't talk about it. We just didn't do it. It was just the same over and over again, and it wasn't bad at all.

00:24:40:09 - 00:24:44:15

Susanne

It was just normal. Yeah, I don't know. That's the best word.

00:24:44:15 - 00:24:47:06

Luna

I well, because you like touches right. Was that part of it.

00:24:47:08 - 00:25:09:20

Susanne

Yes. Oh yeah. The problem with me is that another problem. But good catch. Yes. At that point in our marriage I unfortunately very quickly went into, to have to, if we have to, can we just get it over with? Can we just know? No foreplay. Just just do it. I want penetration. Give it to me now.

00:25:09:22 - 00:25:35:04

Susanne

Just do it. And I like that. I thought, well, later on, I became more like. I didn't have to say I didn't need sex. I didn't want it could be just her life without. Because it's just the thing that comes between us. So that started unfortunately very early, and that's why we jumped into this threesome for something. I think we had been married about six years when we did that.

00:25:35:04 - 00:25:39:02

Susanne

Again, looking back, maybe I didn't do it for the right reasons, but.

00:25:39:04 - 00:25:40:12

Luna

The right reasons?

00:25:40:14 - 00:26:03:05

Susanne

Yes, the right reasons. Because did I is it was it because I didn't want to have sex with my husband? Or was it just because we wanted to shake things up? But I still don't know, actually. But what I do know is that we had the most beautiful experiences looking at each other. And yes, during these foursomes, it's very hot.

00:26:03:07 - 00:26:26:09

Susanne

And that's where my kink really kicked in. Tell us more. Yes. Yeah. I have had these fantasies at the time before we got into this. We haven't talked much about it, but he knew that I would like to try a double penetration. Two, three, four men. He would like two girls, of course. So we just jumped into that great.

00:26:26:11 - 00:26:41:06

Susanne

He got off being with me with other men. He thought that was very sexy. And so I got my double penetration for about 10s. But it was there. So it was very I'm going to have that someday. I'm going to experience that again. Wait, but just.

00:26:41:10 - 00:26:44:14

Luna

Don't brush past it. What was the positioning that you ended up.

00:26:44:14 - 00:27:05:10

Susanne

In the positioning was me sitting on top of a man lying down him in my vagina, and my husband from behind. Okay, doing anal. At that point, he was the only one who could touch us. No one else. I didn't trust anybody to do that. Only him. He's the one who learned me about anal sex. Oh, he didn't learn me.

00:27:05:10 - 00:27:22:22

Susanne

I knew about it, but haven't tried it as much when I met him. So that's where we began to do this. Not much, but a bit more. Yeah. So he was the only one who could be there. So because of the length of penis, the anatomy and the flexibility and everything, it is hard. It's not like you when you see porn.

00:27:22:22 - 00:27:46:20

Susanne

It's not like that at all. Yeah, but it happens for about ten 15 seconds. I could have done it for hours. I think it was awesome. So you have a preview and a future goal? Yes, I have a future girl. My new boyfriend knows about this, so we'll get to that. Yeah. So that's where all of this started.

00:27:46:20 - 00:28:07:20

Susanne

And I think from that point on, my fantasies, my fantasies with myself just exploded with group sex. Anal. I didn't know about Bdsm, I didn't know about anything like that. But we started I don't know how or why or when, but at a point we started playing a bit with the choke and I was finding out that this is kind of hot.

00:28:07:20 - 00:28:27:17

Susanne

I like that I like being held down. He did that a little bit, but again, the sex was I. The sex has never been bad, but I just felt I didn't need it. And now I know that was because at that point later on, I just didn't love him anymore. So I tried what I could to get out of it.

00:28:27:19 - 00:28:51:13

Susanne

Yeah, and I don't know why, because the sex was good, but what had happened was good. But I didn't have the feeling of letting go. I didn't have the feeling of just be relaxed and free. And me at that time, not at all. So again, looking back, it was not fair to him at all. But we did some a good thing.

00:28:51:13 - 00:29:03:08

Susanne

We they had very, very good sex. Not a thousand as you want it. Not as often as I would want it to be if I were looking at the best kind of relationship to date. But yeah, that's what happened.

00:29:03:10 - 00:29:19:12

Luna

Something I've been noodling on a lot lately. Specifically is connection related to sex. I get so many questions from people that are like, how do I have better sex with my partner? And I'm like, I don't know, I'm a single person and and everything I try seems to backfire.

00:29:19:12 - 00:29:20:16

Susanne

And yes, what.

00:29:20:16 - 00:29:39:14

Luna

I noticed for myself is I have the best sex when I feel like you said, safe and comfortable to be my full self. And I know that I can create that experience for other people. But I know that I often do not have the experience today of feeling enough connection to trust that I can be as fucking weird and kinky and truly as I am.

00:29:39:14 - 00:30:03:21

Luna

Because also when I get that excited with a casual or perhaps, dare I say, unconscious partner, there tends to be really weird reactions. Whereas kink creates a container like thoughtful conscious kink creates this container for me to be like effusively drooling and Lola. Yeah. And so if it feels comfortable for you to share this very personal information, did you feel like, like this connection part of it for you on this noodle?

00:30:03:21 - 00:30:06:02

Luna

Is it is that any of it?

00:30:06:04 - 00:30:32:09

Susanne

You mean the connection with my husband at the time? Yes, of course we had a deep connection. Okay. But my emotional and loving connection to him was fading away. Okay. During the years. So I think the sex got more and more like, okay, let's just get it over with for me. And I am a very good actor. Unfortunately, I don't like that about myself.

00:30:32:11 - 00:30:55:01

Susanne

And I was not conscious about you doing something wrong. I was just, okay, I have to be in this. We're together. He's my husband, so of course we're going to have sex. But it was not for me. It was for him or for the sanity of all of us. If it was not for the right reasons. And I'm sorry to say that I did fake orgasms and I'm not proud of that at all.

00:30:55:03 - 00:31:17:08

Susanne

And also, I didn't just fake that sometimes I was faking my happy life. I got aware of that for about a year ago, but before that it was just a unconscious fake. Does that make sense? I didn't know I was playing an act. I was playing The Good Wife, the happy wife. My husband has a job in Greenland, so there's a way to month at a time.

00:31:17:11 - 00:31:36:16

Susanne

And when he got home, I was supposed to be this, I was missing him. And now we are going to have good sex, and we're going to have a good life, good time while he's at home. But it was hard. Yeah. When he was away, I found out pretty fast that I was better off when I was alone.

00:31:36:18 - 00:31:56:01

Susanne

And that's what led me to last year to say, okay, this is not an act I can do anymore. I can repeat myself apart, so I need to be me. I need to do something for me at this time. Not to be. It was my expectations for myself, for the good wife I want it to be. It was the surrounding.

00:31:56:01 - 00:32:09:11

Susanne

It was everybody's expectations for us as a couple, but also my own expectation as a wife that kept me in the marriage so suddenly I was just, I cannot do this anymore. I have to get a divorce.

00:32:09:12 - 00:32:16:01

Luna

Really. So it was sudden, like it was like there was I'm like, what was the tipping point moment for you? These are huge, amazing changes.

00:32:16:03 - 00:32:38:05

Susanne

It was. And it came like a lightning at 3 a.m. in the morning. I don't know why. Why that day? Why that now? Why, I don't know, but I woke up 3 a.m.. Something was wrong in my body. I was, I was just I was sad, I was crying, and then what is this? And then it hit me like a lightning.

00:32:38:07 - 00:33:01:08

Susanne

I do not love him for the respect of him and for myself. I need to get a divorce. And at that point, he was a week away from going to Greenland, and my youngest son was two weeks away from going to the States to live in a year at high school, so I could not do it. At that point, I had to keep my mouth shut, so I oh, that was hard.

00:33:01:10 - 00:33:21:14

Susanne

It was good because now I was not unconscious like now. It was a direct lie to myself, to him. Every time he said he loved me, I had to say it back because I have to wait until he came home from Greenland to tell him that didn't work. But that was my point of waiting. I did not want to do it.

00:33:21:14 - 00:33:39:02

Susanne

When he was in Greenland, I was in Denmark. It would be like breaking up in a text message. I couldn't do that. I have too much respect for him, but it didn't work. He could feel something was wrong, but at that point I knew I had to take care of myself. I was again broken in another way. Yeah, somewhat the same way that that I when I was young.

00:33:39:02 - 00:33:47:11

Susanne

But I was now aware of why. So I had to do something about it. And we are the best friends today and I love for that.

00:33:47:13 - 00:33:51:17

Luna

Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to hear that. I want to celebrate the fuck out of that.

00:33:51:20 - 00:34:11:17

Susanne

When he got over the first initial shock and to have another man. Now I do not. I have a clean conscience about that. I did not cheat on you and I did not. And when he realized that and trusted me on that, he was okay. If you don't love me, of course you're going to get a divorce. I cannot be with you if you don't love me.

00:34:11:21 - 00:34:17:04

Susanne

So that was so. So. I'm so happy for that. I love him for it. Wow.

00:34:17:06 - 00:34:20:02

Luna

So I don't think incredibly difficult. Also.

00:34:20:04 - 00:34:40:12

Susanne

It was difficult. I knew I had to split up my whole family. My boy wasn't in the States. He was 4000 miles away and I couldn't hug him when he was tall and I couldn't be there for him. And it was devastating. But he pulled through like a champ. I don't know how he did it. So we put the house on sale, moved apart.

00:34:40:12 - 00:35:06:05

Susanne

Everything was good. I bought my own little house and then, okay, I cannot sit here on my own. I don't want sex. I realized when I signed the divorce papers, something happened. My body. It was not the sign of the divorce papers, but the feeling of being free, I think. And my body just exploded. I was so horny for three months, and I didn't know what to do with it because I had.

00:35:06:10 - 00:35:29:23

Susanne

What what what's happening? And I masturbated. Masturbated and I masturbated and I have I didn't do that before, so I was what is happening to me and I'm okay. I'm not that insight. I am a sexual person still, and I have to do something about this. So my very best and most dearest friend, I call him my girlfriend.

00:35:29:23 - 00:35:48:16

Susanne

She's not my girlfriend, she's my best friend. She also has been through a major change in her life, started masturbating when she was 39 and she went into masturbating bootcamp with herself and she wrote a book about this. I will get you classic card.

00:35:48:16 - 00:35:51:13

Luna

Yeah, no. Tell everybody. Do you know the name?

00:35:51:15 - 00:35:53:06

Susanne

Yes, but it's not published yet.

00:35:53:09 - 00:35:56:08

Luna

Okay. When it is published, do tell us. But tell us now.

00:35:56:10 - 00:36:17:08

Susanne

Yes, it's called the orgasm. How hard can it be? And it's telling her story and her way into Bdsm without even knowing it. It had a word. And the way she flourished, the way she got into all of this and now read the book, and I have talked to her about it a lot before I read the book.

00:36:17:08 - 00:36:41:03

Susanne

And then she talked about this amazing podcast called Sex Stories. You know, okay, that sounds exciting. I want to listen to that. And I heard the first 25 episodes, and I was, what is that? I want that, I want it all. Yeah. And that's when I went into bootcamp. At your podcast, I learned how to. Okay, I need to tell everybody that.

00:36:41:03 - 00:36:52:18

Susanne

I see that in a sex context. What I want, what I do not want. Do it ahead of time, do it ahead of a meeting because I don't want to waste 2 or 3, four months.

00:36:52:20 - 00:36:54:15

Luna

Or even hours.

00:36:54:17 - 00:37:18:19

Susanne

Even hours. No. And I am very much on top of everything now. So that's why I went into this bootcamp of my own. And I just, okay, I'm going to be the most slutty self I have ever been, and I'm going to do this for me. So this time around, I was using the men to get what I wanted to explore, and everything I did was to find out more about myself.

00:37:18:21 - 00:37:41:23

Susanne

And I got into every sex date with the attention of me and the very clear communication that what I wanted from them. So my best friend, she asked me, are you using yourself? Are you abusing yourself again? You are going so fast. She couldn't keep up and I was no, because this time around I do this for me and I take something from them.

00:37:41:23 - 00:37:59:11

Susanne

I'm in control, I take what I want and I felt like, oh my God, I loved it. So that's where I wrote to you because I went into, okay, I want to master. I have heard you had your master and I want that. I want to try that. I want to be tied up. I want to be in the cage.

00:37:59:11 - 00:38:28:21

Susanne

I want to do everything. And then I hooked up with one online, I think, on a website that's somewhat like fit life. I think in the Danish version. And he was very respectful of very much. Okay, we're going to issue it into this and you're going to trust me. And slowly, slowly. And I just jumped aboard. We never got to meet in person because quite fast he I was letting him go over my boundaries because I didn't know how to say no.

00:38:28:23 - 00:38:46:22

Susanne

And he was not there to give me aftercare. And all of this was online. He made me, I say he made me. I gave him permission to to command me to make videos of myself, pictures, and I did. At first it felt okay, this is what I want, but I'm going to do it. At a point I felt abused.

00:38:47:00 - 00:39:06:09

Susanne

Yes. And I was okay, stop stop stop stop. And I had to stop because I was sitting on my couch, have just sent him a video masturbating with a dildo. And I was like, I haven't even met the guy. Yeah, why? Why am I doing this? Suddenly I just, oh, stop, stop, stop. And I had to stop him and he didn't want to stop.

00:39:06:11 - 00:39:30:21

Susanne

That's when the respect disappeared. So I stopped him, blocked him from everything. And then I was just recovering for that. He was like, okay, this is not what I want. I want something else. But I take this as a lesson. I take this as a part of my journey to know what I want. Yeah. So I just moved on, contacting new people, saying, I do not want that.

00:39:31:00 - 00:39:51:15

Susanne

If you want videos, we have to see each other first in real life, be together, then we can do other things. And it led to a lot of the most wonderful experiences where I explored everything, a lot of impact play. I found out that the impact play is not for me, only I need more of the touches at the same time.

00:39:51:20 - 00:40:09:20

Susanne

For example, I call him a professional awesome guy because he had all the equipment I was knew what this is. So I told him I want to try to be tied up and I want to try the flaggers or the whips or whatever you have, just ease it on me. But too slowly. But I want to try it.

00:40:09:22 - 00:40:40:02

Susanne

And he did, and it was fun. But I didn't get horny from this alone I needed. I found out later that I do need a good slap. I do need to be choked. I do like a slap on the face to be held down, a good slap on the back or the ass. But I need the penetration or the fingering or the licking at the same time, because then my hormones are crazy and then I can take it away.

00:40:40:04 - 00:40:49:18

Susanne

So the pain alone now that's not on me, but all the other things at the same time just hit me. I want it all. Does it also.

00:40:49:18 - 00:41:07:12

Luna

Have to do with connection to the person? Because my experience lately trying to figure out kinky people have been kind of talking to people on FET life. And I'm noticed that learning the all of the sub tones of these other social signals that I now have to categorize and figure out, there's like some people that are like, I'll tie you up with rope.

00:41:07:12 - 00:41:09:12

Susanne

But I would never do it.

00:41:09:12 - 00:41:18:15

Luna

Sexually. How dare you? They're like offended that I might want to get that in. Fuck. Like, how does that work for you in terms of the container.

00:41:18:17 - 00:41:24:21

Susanne

I'm very communicative about before we meet. Okay, I'm here for this. Okay.

00:41:24:23 - 00:41:25:21

Luna

Erotically.

00:41:25:23 - 00:41:42:17

Susanne

Yes. And I tell them exactly. And I have to feel okay. This is a guy that could be something. And now he's going to get it all. I will tell him everything. And then some of them think, what? This is not for me. You're too much I can. No no no no no no. And some of them I said okay girl let's do this.

00:41:42:19 - 00:42:03:15

Susanne

And then we had a good conversation about it beforehand. Okay. So that's what I've been doing every single time with new categories each time. And then trying the professional guys I went to. Okay, I do not want that professional. Maybe someone who just into this but have not tried it as much. So we can build it together. We can build our story together.

00:42:03:17 - 00:42:22:04

Susanne

But some of them, even if I like to be slapped or hit or spit in the face or choked, that does not mean that you have to be rough on me all the time. Yeah, but some of them think that all of it has to be so hard. And I know you just misunderstood it. You have to get me turned on by slowly stimulate.

00:42:22:06 - 00:42:44:20

Susanne

You can help down. You could tie me up and then slowly get me horny. And then I will give you everything that you had. But you have to to give me pleasure. You have to, to get me excited. So first. And if they understand that, then they have my heart. I'll marry them. For God's sake. Got it? I got the one.

00:42:44:22 - 00:43:05:14

Susanne

Yes. So, of course, some of them was good. Great. The sex was great. The person was not so great. Some of them the person was okay. He is the most amazing man. But the sex with all this, you don't understand why you don't understand how you don't understand what it is I want. So I just moved on and I was just going for what I wanted.

00:43:05:19 - 00:43:32:09

Susanne

So doing that for some months, I felt this, okay, now I know exactly what I want, now I want that. And the emotional connection also. Now I don't just want the sex, I want someone to love me. Basically, I just want a boyfriend to give me this. I want emotional connection. So I changed again, went for that and I have now found it's very new but it's going very good.

00:43:32:11 - 00:43:53:21

Susanne

Yay yay yay yay and I can't wait to see what it brings. And he's into this. Some of it. He has some issues with some of it. But we have going forward and we are trying and we are getting past trust issues and all of that that we have to get to know each other. And he's also we are talk threesome, foursomes, we have talk clubs.

00:43:53:21 - 00:44:06:15

Susanne

We have talked everything and we are going there someday if it feels right. Yes. There's no pressure. It's just we have to get some trust between us, some good emotional connection. Yes. And I put.

00:44:06:15 - 00:44:09:07

Luna

Trust marbles in the marble jar and fill them up.

00:44:09:07 - 00:44:17:01

Susanne

Exactly, exactly. And when we are there, then we can start exploring. Wow. Outside the bedroom. Yes, it is very good.

00:44:17:03 - 00:44:30:08

Luna

I'm so glad for you. For all of this. I am wowed by the like, incredible arc of your journey and by how much in a relatively short amount of time. I mean, your epiphany of like, oh shit, I need to do the hardest.

00:44:30:08 - 00:44:33:18

Susanne

Thing I ever have to do and like ask for it to force it.

00:44:33:20 - 00:44:43:18

Luna

You know this? Yes. And now here you are advocating for yourself and processing these things that, you know, I think the cool thing for me about being a little bit older is like, oh, I know I'm pretty resilient.

00:44:43:19 - 00:44:46:07

Susanne

I know I can get through the hard parts. Yes.

00:44:46:09 - 00:44:55:03

Luna

So what feels like the most juicy about either what you're discovering or experiencing sexually right now? Like where should we spend our detail energy?

00:44:55:05 - 00:45:19:01

Susanne

I think that the feeling that I can let completely go and before my divorce, I did squirt a little bit when he hit the right spot. Now I'm a waterfall, so that's because I'm letting go every single time it feels like the most amazing thing in the world. And yes, you could call that using, but it's just a part of.

00:45:19:03 - 00:45:28:00

Susanne

I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to put away. I have belly fat, I have small boobs and oh my God, do I smell today or. Yeah.

00:45:28:01 - 00:45:31:13

Luna

Smells delicious. Bodies are perfect. Yeah. Yes, I know.

00:45:31:15 - 00:45:54:03

Susanne

I don't care about that. I mean, because from the start, when I meet people, even if it was just six days, but also now I was like, this is me, this is what I want. This is me. And if you don't like that, you'll laugh. Yeah, I move on. So. Oh my God, it's so, so liberating. So I feel the most best version of myself today.

00:45:54:05 - 00:46:01:05

Luna

Would you say anal sex is different now that you're in this new let go position? I'd love to hear about your asshole a little bit.

00:46:01:06 - 00:46:28:06

Susanne

Oh my God. Before I did get extremely turned on by anal sex, but it was hard for me. It had to be slow, not too deep. And I was afraid of would it get messy? The smell I could not let go. I did have orgasms doing anal sex with my husband, but now, because I have learned how to clean up, I do that every single time.

00:46:28:06 - 00:46:53:15

Susanne

If there's just a bit of chance that we are going after anal, which we do almost every time, I clean up thoroughly before, every time, so I can let completely go. And the funny part is, I think you're going to be shocked about before when I masturbate, I can come within seconds when I do it myself in second, some when it takes a long time.

00:46:53:15 - 00:47:17:16

Susanne

It's about seven eight minutes. That's a long time for me and I'm all sweaty. But that's a long time. 30s one minute, two minutes. My girlfriend, she hates me for it because he's so jealous. But I did have orgasms with my husband with that. But because of my fantasy with vibrators after I got divorced and freed myself, I do not orgasm.

00:47:17:18 - 00:47:37:09

Susanne

I don't know what. I could do it myself. Masturbate? Not a problem with a partner. I don't know why yet. Yes, well, I had a lover through all of these six states. He knew I was going out exploring, and I had this lover on the side which knew I did all this, but I had not. Now I do not have a date today.

00:47:37:09 - 00:48:02:19

Susanne

Can you come over, please? He left me the most about what I liked, and he gave me the best sex that I ever had in this period of time. Until I met this new guy. But I have never orgasm with him. But then I met this new guy. His name is Peter, and within the first two weeks he made me orgasm twice and I was, okay, now I'm going to marry you.

00:48:02:21 - 00:48:32:19

Susanne

What? How did you do that? But I think because of the sexual energy, I'm free. I'm, Relaxed. The emotional connection, the everything. I can finally do something else. So that's why I'm going to hang on to him. I'm going to hang on to this guy. So. And I don't know why. Because orgasm orgasms has always been easy for me, for myself during sex.

00:48:32:21 - 00:49:00:13

Susanne

Not always, but yes, it happens. Yeah, but this last year where I did really enjoy sex like never before did not orgasm, and that was actually why I told him in one of our first conversations on the phone before we met, because we already talked about sex. We already talked about what I liked, what he liked, and I said to him, I do not orgasm with you.

00:49:00:15 - 00:49:23:19

Susanne

And I said that just like that. And he said, what? So if you chase my orgasm, it will not happen. So please just chase my pleasure. Instead. Oh, if you do that, I hope I get there someday. I don't know, but it just does not happen right now. So if you think you're going to get me one, two, three, four orgasms, then you're lost in advance.

00:49:23:19 - 00:49:36:07

Susanne

So don't do that. Don't chase it. Chase my pleasures. Oh, so. And it did. And look what happened. Two weeks and he made me orgasm twice. So it works.

00:49:36:09 - 00:50:02:05

Luna

Dude, that is a brilliant way to say it. Chase. My pleasure is amazing. It's so interesting because I love being given orgasms, but also, I've been talking to people, reading things and it's like, oh yeah, no one's giving me anything. We're co-creating and sharing an experience and yes, someone holds space for me, but now it's kind of morphed into the like, western masculine ideal of like, can I win by having racked up the most orgasms?

00:50:02:05 - 00:50:06:02

Luna

And so then it's not about my pleasure, it's about their ego. And so I love.

00:50:06:03 - 00:50:06:18

Susanne

Exactly.

00:50:06:19 - 00:50:08:16

Luna

Chase my pleasure.

00:50:08:18 - 00:50:33:05

Susanne

Yes. And I actually think it freed him somewhat also because he doesn't have to think about he doesn't have to think about, oh, I need to get her to orgasm. He just have to do what he wants. He does what he wants, and what he wants is what I like. So that dominant submissive connection we have in the sex situations just creates the space of being free and just being in the moment.

00:50:33:05 - 00:50:56:04

Susanne

And this is something I have never experienced before. It's amazing. And he does it so good and also we were talking earlier about Kings and the Deep Throat. Also, I did not perform oral sex before in my marriage very few times I did, I did it, of course, but it was for him. It was not for me.

00:50:56:06 - 00:51:20:00

Susanne

Now, when I'm laying on my back on his bed, head over the edge downwards, and he puts his dick in my mouth, in my throat, goes all the way down. That turns me on like nothing else. And I love it. And he's using his fingers and giving me the craziest squirt or orgasms like that. And I think, why did I why did not notice?

00:51:20:02 - 00:51:39:20

Susanne

Like you said at a point you thought you were deep floating? When do you think that he's just Dick was just in the back of your throat? Yeah, I thought I was doing it. No, I was not. So at one point in all this experience, through this last six months, I don't even remember which guy was actually it just happened.

00:51:39:20 - 00:51:59:05

Susanne

I said, oh, that's how it and I was in another position that I was used to. And okay, that's how it's like. And that was I had this throat hurting two days afterwards. I was like, okay, I can feel him two days. That's cool, I like that. So we are doing it every time now and he loves it.

00:51:59:05 - 00:52:08:01

Susanne

He has never tried. He said on our first date before we even kissed, if you Deep Throat me, I will marry you. Oh, okay. Well, you're shooting.

00:52:08:01 - 00:52:09:10

Luna

Him and he's giving you orgasm.

00:52:09:11 - 00:52:35:08

Susanne

So it's so. Yes, you could match. It could be a very good match. Okay, that's a whole lots of things that have to fall in place, of course, but totally. It is very good. And I don't know all of these things. Before I just I didn't want it. I didn't like it, I didn't know I didn't need it, and my body just woke up like in this volcano when I divorced this amazing.

00:52:35:10 - 00:52:43:18

Luna

Are there any other specific parts of your body that have awoken or that just haven't gotten attention yet? So we maybe need to like, talk about them?

00:52:43:19 - 00:53:15:12

Susanne

My nipples was, no go for my husband. He could not touch them. It was a complete turn off. And I don't know why. I think because I breastfed his kids, so I don't, I don't know. Again, they woke up like a volcano. Now, if he just looks at them, they say poop. I like two volcanoes. Yes. And if he just slides his his fingertips across my money, my body just, just like that.

00:53:15:12 - 00:53:38:07

Susanne

And if he touches my my belly just with a soft hand, it also just turns me on, like, in an instant. And I have never experienced that before. Well, never. Not even when I was very outgoing as a young woman. At that point, I did not do anything for myself. Now I'm doing this so I can feel every single cell moving when he's touching.

00:53:38:07 - 00:53:43:12

Susanne

And is it amazing? That's awesome. Yes it is.

00:53:43:14 - 00:53:53:04

Luna

Are there any details about, like, oral sex or more physical pleasures or more just things you've experienced that he has done that have given you pleasure?

00:53:53:06 - 00:54:12:16

Susanne

It's actually funny because I like him doing oral sex on me too, but I get so much more out of giving him. I get more horny giving him oral sex. I like it for. For me, it's more what he's doing it for me, it's like, yes, it turns me on, it gets wet. I can feel his tongue. I can feel his breath.

00:54:12:16 - 00:54:37:17

Susanne

I can look in his eyes. And that turns me on. But it's not the motion on my clitoris or my outside of my pagina that does it. It's not that I don't know why, but I love giving him blowjobs and deep throat and the way he uses his fingers now, and the way I can let go and let all the juices come out right.

00:54:37:19 - 00:55:05:08

Susanne

And I am amazed how much fluid I can contain. No, it's amazing what it keeps coming. And I love after we have sex. I also did that with other partners, but if I'm all I'm wet, like with sperm, with spit, with my squirting, with his sweat, with. Yeah. And I went all over and I just love it. I just love it.

00:55:05:08 - 00:55:26:11

Susanne

I love the feeling of being used all over and it's amazing. Yes, I feel like my body is just one big sense organ, when it's used like that. Of course, there can be days where it's not like that, but most of the time I just feel like my whole body is in action. Wow.

00:55:26:13 - 00:55:41:17

Luna

So you're at this incredible moment in your life. What do you hope are the next fantasies that become fulfilled? I know you talked about more group sex stuff with him, but what's like at the top of your list? Or just what are you thinking about in terms of your sexual future right now?

00:55:41:18 - 00:56:08:06

Susanne

Lately I have been thinking about fisting. I don't know if I can. I did not give birth to my boys today. C-section, both of them. So I have not had a child. Mama China. So I am pretty tight, which has been a compliment. I like to have that so I don't know if it's possible, but somehow I have been fantasizing about that.

00:56:08:08 - 00:56:09:02

Susanne

Amazing.

00:56:09:07 - 00:56:17:08

Luna

Well, here's a question. Women have smaller hands, and you mentioned being hetero flexible. Is that mostly in the context of group play?

00:56:17:10 - 00:56:37:01

Susanne

Yes it is. I have never been with a woman alone. I have fantasized about it, but I don't know, maybe I should try it someday. Not long ago, before I met Peter, I was, Do you know the term of a unicorn? I don't know if you use. Yes. Okay. I was a unicorn for this couple. And I just love that.

00:56:37:06 - 00:56:55:13

Susanne

Before that I was thinking, okay, I need to try girl again. I want that but it has to be with the guy. Also I was not ready to jump holding and do only a girl. So I did that and it was amazing. He was a dominant, she was submissive. He had a fantasy of dominating too. So he got that wow.

00:56:55:19 - 00:57:03:04

Susanne

And he was dominating me to do all kinds of things to her and the other way around. It was amazing. So I'm open for it.

00:57:03:06 - 00:57:10:07

Luna

That sounds like a really fun threesome. How was it dominating another woman? Was it easy because it was at someone's orders? Or how was it for you?

00:57:10:09 - 00:57:31:02

Susanne

Because it was at his orders. I had no issue. I think I would have it on it anyway, but I did do something on my own. I found a vibrator and used it on her on my own. But the thing that he told us what to do and holding us down, tying us up, doing all of these things and me licking hers at the same time.

00:57:31:02 - 00:57:54:20

Susanne

Well, he was penetrating her with fingers. I love the official of penetration on a girl up close. Yeah, it's the most sexiest ever. And if I'm out with a girl alone, I cannot see that at the same way, I don't know. Yeah, it's different. Anyway, I'm open for it. I don't know if it will, if it will ever happen, because now I have Peter, I don't know.

00:57:54:20 - 00:58:03:13

Susanne

I don't know if he would like that, but he would love two girls at the same time. So it's going to happen with the girl one more time. About the same.

00:58:03:15 - 00:58:13:22

Luna

What about anything else like sending nudes? Will, you talked a little bit about your experience that was not so great, exchanging videos. If you had any good ones with that kind of like sexting or sending nudes.

00:58:14:00 - 00:58:30:16

Susanne

Yes. All of the partners I have seen for a sexting also afterwards, the few I have seen for maybe a boyfriend issue. I have sent news when I felt comfortable, not videos. I don't know why videos are more vulnerable. Yeah.

00:58:30:18 - 00:58:33:05

Luna

It's also more of a production. It is vulnerable.

00:58:33:06 - 00:58:51:16

Susanne

Yes it is, it is more vulnerable. So I, I love sending videos. I know I have a good body. I know that's the attention. I know that I'm a well that. But I love the reaction I get when I send a nude to a guy. So I still do that to Peter. He loves it and of course it feeds my attention.

00:58:51:16 - 00:59:14:15

Susanne

Need I still have that? It will never go away, but now it's just in a controlled, safe environment where I. I do it for me, I do it when I want to, and if I can get a good reaction sending a nude to him or taking a picture, you know, during daytime when I'm at work, at the office, going to the bathroom and take a picture of my boobs.

00:59:14:15 - 00:59:33:03

Susanne

And he loves it. He loves it and I love it. And I think it's sexy. And when he says, I want to see each other, maybe the next day. We live apart, unfortunately. But when we see each other, it's the more sex yet to see each other because we have this build up every time. That's incredible.

00:59:33:05 - 00:59:39:06

Luna

Are you into porn at all? Either your own? Yes. Yeah. What do you what do you into and do? Share it with partners?

00:59:39:08 - 00:59:47:05

Susanne

I have not shared it with him yet. I think also it is vulnerable also. I don't know why I do. I feel ashamed about what I watched, I don't know.

00:59:47:07 - 00:59:52:22

Luna

I've never initiated, I've only watched porn with other partners. When they initiate it, I would feel vulnerable to, but also because I'm like.

00:59:52:22 - 01:00:09:20

Susanne

I don't know, I don't know. Yeah, I have only watched porn with my ex-husband. We did that because that would get me in the mood. So that's what we did. I'm into porn. I'm very visual, so why not masturbate? I use the porn. I can also masturbate without. But I use the porn. It's group sex. It's, anal.

01:00:09:20 - 01:00:38:00

Susanne

Always. I am beginning to watch more videos. I'm tired of slutty videos where it's more hardcore Bdsm. No, not not the spanking, but yeah, degrading. Oh, I have a story for you, by the way. But that's what I watch. And when I have watch these videos, a memory came up. About a month or two ago before I met Peter, when I still had this lover I saw once in a while.

01:00:38:03 - 01:01:06:09

Susanne

And we have a very, very communicative, good relationship. He he knows everything. I know everything about him. And I told him about effects you had. That was a rape fantasy. And that's the one thing that I could feel a little bit ashamed about having or even thinking about. Because who wants to get raped? Nobody. But if you know the person that you want the person to do it is rape.

01:01:06:09 - 01:01:29:00

Susanne

No it's not, but then you can play an act. Yeah. So I told him about this and he was like, oh, I have never tried that. I could do that. Yes. Let's do that. Okay, so random night, I was sending him a text saying, oh gosh, I forgot to lock the back door and I'm going to bed at 1030.

01:01:29:02 - 01:01:49:02

Susanne

I hope no intruder comes and hurt me. Good night. And I went to bed 1030, forgot to lock the back door and we had an agreement that okay, I said 1030, but he was not coming at 1030. Then he just I was not supposed to know when he was coming. So suddenly I hear the door because I was not sleeping.

01:01:49:02 - 01:02:13:09

Susanne

Of course I was excited, but you. So the first time around, we did this twice. The first time around, he comes in, he's all prepped up, tools, the ropes, everything, and he comes in, rips the cover off me, and I hide this sexy kitten just waiting for him. He wasn't. Oh, could you just make a resistance, please? Oh, no.

01:02:13:09 - 01:02:36:02

Susanne

I want this. I said think how I would be. So we had very good sex, but when he left that night, we. Okay. Next time I will fight you. I will fight you like a bitch. So be prepared. Okay, so I don't know how long after that I texted him again. Oh, I forgot the lock, the back door.

01:02:36:02 - 01:02:59:20

Susanne

I'm going to bed. I hope no one comes to help me. And as scheduled, he came. And this time I fought him. I fought him like hell. He got an elbow in his face and he told me down, tied me up, slap me. It was rough and I fucking loved it because it was. It was consensual. Yeah, it was consensual.

01:02:59:20 - 01:03:27:18

Susanne

And I think he used my body in about two hours without penetrating. And it was amazing. And I was again, I did not orgasm. I do not know why because this is the best thing. But it was amazing. And it went to all vaginal, anal, deep throat and everything. Tying up, choking everything, all that. I love the spitting, the slapping, all of it.

01:03:27:20 - 01:03:45:03

Susanne

And he loved it. He found something new that he did not know that he had this in him. And it was amazing for both of us. We are not seeing each other anymore because I have Peter and he. Unfortunately, you fell in love with me, so I had to call it off. It's okay and he's okay with it now.

01:03:45:05 - 01:04:02:09

Susanne

But this was amazing to do this fantasy without the shame. Oh my God, I'm a little bit ashamed of telling you about it, but it's okay because I want to tell about it. Yeah, I want to talk about it because I think a lot of girls actually have this.

01:04:02:15 - 01:04:16:09

Luna

Without just based on the few hundred people I've spoken to. The anecdotal information is many people, including female forms, have some form of a struggle, fantasy or consensual non consent fantasy.

01:04:16:10 - 01:04:18:22

Susanne

It was the most sexiest thing I have ever tried.

01:04:19:00 - 01:04:36:23

Luna

And the resounding theme is like it's a fantasy because we want to actually be safe. But that's the whole thing about human being is like, we need something to push against or we're totally fucking bored. And also these bodies were made to experience stuff and they're not experiencing a whole lot because most of us are just like thumbs on our phones.

01:04:36:23 - 01:04:39:07

Luna

So I think we are collectively.

01:04:39:09 - 01:04:40:01

Susanne

Hungry.

01:04:40:01 - 01:04:41:03

Luna

For something.

01:04:41:05 - 01:04:43:01

Susanne

Yes we are. We need to adventure.

01:04:43:04 - 01:04:49:09

Luna

Yes, yes it is an adventure. And when you know you're safe with a safe, trusted person, struggle? Fuck yeah.

01:04:49:11 - 01:05:08:12

Susanne

Yes, I trust him so much. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it. So yeah, and I still do. We are the best friends today. It's beautiful. Just without the sex. And it is. It is beautiful. And it's nice to have that one person that you can share this to. I can share with Peter also. Now he knows he didn't know this, but now he knows.

01:05:08:13 - 01:05:14:14

Susanne

And that's okay. I have no problem with that. I want to share all of this and I want to talk about it. Yeah. So it's so good.

01:05:14:16 - 01:05:33:14

Luna

I want to circle back just briefly to the part about you not coming. I relate so strongly because when I was with my former Dom, I was like, and now I've figured out how to come with a partner. Hahaha. But actually, now that I'm seeing new partners and more of them, I it's not true. It's not every person.

01:05:33:14 - 01:05:49:19

Luna

And I've noticed in myself, some of it is a sense of safety in connection with the person. Yes, not that I feel unsafe, but just like I don't know how safe I am because I don't know when I'm going to accidentally trigger someone and then they're going to get mad at me. You know, I'm a lot less likely to be triggered.

01:05:49:19 - 01:06:22:12

Luna

I'm a lot more likely to ask for health and safety. That is somehow a turnoff to a partner. But I've also noticed that especially when I'm experiencing new, interesting, kinky things, it's like, my pleasure. It's very high, it's very ramped up, but it's not in the orgasm zone because I'm so busy paying attention and enjoying and imprinting, and my nervous system is like, oh, and so I think it's just like the dopamine system is like taking I don't know, that's a long question of being like, is it like that for you?

01:06:22:14 - 01:06:44:13

Susanne

It is like it is exactly like that because I can feel so aroused, so horny. So I can like I said, I can feel every cell in my body just being a sensitive organ. But that's what I'm paying attention to. And I do not want to chase my orgasm. I just want to chase that pleasure. And I'm still learning to feel that.

01:06:44:13 - 01:07:03:18

Susanne

I'm still learning not to think about, oops, did I shape correctly or did I do I smell today? I do not want to think of course it pops up still and I'm still learning. But I am very focused on just feeling my body. And I think the orgasms will come. Not every time, but sometime. And I'm good with that.

01:07:03:20 - 01:07:20:03

Susanne

It doesn't have to come every time. I'm just happy to give him what he wants and that's it. That's how it is. Yeah, I do like it and I did not like that before then it was a job to do. So now it's again a pleasure to do so. It's okay to have an orgasm every time.

01:07:20:04 - 01:07:32:11

Luna

Oh I love that I love that and I love also just talking about it because of course it's okay to not have one. It's like treading that fine line. But women should have got whipped enough. But it's like, I don't want the pressure. It's so I think it's just beautiful to kind of like share the whole thing.

01:07:32:13 - 01:07:48:08

Susanne

The pressure is a killer. And I think it's very important for men to understand that they cannot just make women. If they make a woman come 2 or 3, four times every time that together, I will. But she is faking some of it.

01:07:48:10 - 01:07:53:21

Luna

I know some orgasmic ladies who really, really do come a lot, but I also have been the faker. I've been there.

01:07:53:23 - 01:07:59:23

Susanne

And I do not want to be that anymore. I have sworn to myself I will not. I will go for the pleasure and stuff.

01:07:59:23 - 01:08:12:21

Luna

Beautiful. I love that, I love that. Is there anything else about your sex life that we need to know or learn? Any other awkward stories or things that we just like, have to know about you, or that you want to share that you just we haven't gotten to yet?

01:08:12:23 - 01:08:35:02

Susanne

Yes, one story that pops into my head every time I think about my life in general. This is this I was. You should call high school. We went to Rome for education trip. So in Rome, there's this stairs that cause the Spanish stairs where young people meet to listen to music, drink some alcohol, show out the motorcycles, everything.

01:08:35:04 - 01:08:58:05

Susanne

And this Roman dude pulls up on his motorcycle. I am 19, sitting on this stairs with all my classmates and this Roman guy. He looks at me and says, you come over here. Yes, and I did. I hopped on his motorcycle and he took off and where I was and it drove me. Thinking about it today is insane.

01:08:58:06 - 01:09:20:18

Susanne

He drove me around Rome, his motorcycle and kissed me underneath the stars. Took me back to the Spanish stairs to my class. My Sunday night. He picked me up again. His car took me to the Colosseum. You know this very old. Yes. And he had a key to come inside the bottom to the Colosseum. And we went down there and I gave him a blowjob.

01:09:20:20 - 01:09:46:14

Susanne

My first blowjob ever down there. And then we took his car out of this old. The oldest road in the world called Villa up. He put out a carpet on the roadside and we lay down there and we had sex. And I was like, okay, I'm going to marry this dude. Holy fuck yes. And thinking about it today is just he let me so he was the first person I ever had anal sex with.

01:09:46:14 - 01:10:12:13

Susanne

Later on we had a relationship for about seven months I think. Wow. But the way he just took me said, you come right here, right now, okay, I will. Little naive girl just got along. It was crazy if my daughter thought I would kill her, but I did and I okay, it could have ended badly, but it ended just like the most romantic, sexist way it could have done.

01:10:12:17 - 01:10:14:06

Susanne

Yes, it was amazing.

01:10:14:08 - 01:10:25:09

Luna

The Colosseum was one of my favorite like structures. When I was in sixth grade, I made a clay like I carved it from like this old clay molded it's wood. Like, I love the Colosseum. So hearing that you gave.

01:10:25:09 - 01:10:48:19

Susanne

Your first blowjob in the Colosseum and in the following, the one part, some of the parts are closed for the audience. So he had a key and he went down there where you cannot come as an audience, tell your audience. And up along the sides there was all these Roman young people smoking weed, a little music, playing on guitars up against the sides of the Colosseum.

01:10:48:23 - 01:11:07:04

Susanne

This is a hangout. This is a hangout place for young people in Rome, and you cannot get to those points if you come as a tourist. Yeah. So it was just amazing. Okay, I've been there. I've been up the up and down there. So doing a blowjob, have you. That's amazing.

01:11:07:06 - 01:11:11:10

Luna

Okay. So hopes for your sex life going forward.

01:11:11:12 - 01:11:35:03

Susanne

Yes. I hope that I can still be able to explore, have the partner that is open to explore. As we talked about earlier, I need the adventure to do it. Yes, I want him, I want us, and I want what we have. But to spice it up with adventure that we do together is what I want. I want to get married again.

01:11:35:03 - 01:12:01:15

Susanne

I think, he wants to. I don't know if he's going to be with him. I hope so, but we are so early on, so I cannot say that yet out loud, actually. But I want that. I want a deep, deep emotional connection again, because it is fantastic. But I do want this kind of sex life. I want to be free and I want the Bdsm parts, and I do not want to feel trapped and love me again, ever.

01:12:01:17 - 01:12:06:07

Luna

I love that freedom, connection, attention touches kinky sex.

01:12:06:07 - 01:12:28:14

Susanne

Yes please yes yes yes please. I'm there with you. I would like to order one. You. Who doesn't want that? Yes. For for me is just is so important right now. Because I've been a place where it wasn't something I knew existed, actually. Yeah. So, yes, it's very important for me. Oh, wow. Okay.

01:12:28:16 - 01:12:34:15

Luna

So if you could go back in time and give younger you a piece of sex advice, what age or ages would you pick and what would you say?

01:12:34:17 - 01:12:59:14

Susanne

Yes. And I knew you would ask this question. I have thought hot about this and I think I would go back to my early puberty, when I discovered my body and I discovered that I could use it and say, sex is not love. You have to trust and love yourself first, because I did not do that and you're okay.

01:12:59:16 - 01:13:14:12

Susanne

I have had self trust issues for ever. I do not have that anymore. But you're okay and it's all going to be fine. Just make sure to take care of yourself first. That's what I would say. Yeah, absolutely.

01:13:14:14 - 01:13:18:06

Luna

Suzanne, thank you so much for being a guest on Sex Stories.

01:13:18:08 - 01:13:21:08

Susanne

You're welcome. It has been a pleasure.

01:13:21:10 - 01:13:24:05

Luna

Do you have a sex question you want to ask me?

01:13:24:07 - 01:13:30:00

Susanne

Yes, I do. I have still a lot of your episodes, too, so that's okay.

01:13:30:00 - 01:13:34:12

Luna

I don't expect people to necessarily listen to all of them before they talk to me. That is not the right.

01:13:34:16 - 01:13:42:21

Susanne

I am not. No, I know, I know that, but because of that, I do not know if you have had your double penetration experience yet.